With few exceptions, fuck most things

The BBQ Pit
1

…right up the cock with a dick. Every single modern convenience of mine is broken. Except my- but I’m not going to say what’s not broke because it’ll break.

First of all, the windows on my crapshack don’t close properly. It’s exactly as cold inside as it is outside. All the time. Plus barking dogs FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

Then my electricity fucked up. If I draw too much power (like microwaving an egg) shit trips out. I took a cold goddamn bath this morning. Outside (which is the same as inside) is colder than a witch’s nipple made of asteroids on the moon. I have no more dick. My parts of privacy are indistinguishable from a peach pit that’s been dry for several days, except it’s got a shriveled little stem.

Then I got drunk and smashed my shin into a cinder block. WHY IS THERE A CINDER BLOCK IN MY KITCHEN? I can’t even show off my awesome wound because it’s too cold to wear shorts. So what the fuck was the point?

And then I watched Attack of the Clones with the director commentary on. That fuckingcuntsteakdick-knoblerdildofuckbuttshittoast wasn’t even slightly barely repentant. He was talking about parallelism while Jarjar was ON THE GODDAMN SCREEN. Eat a turd made of fuck.

I now live in a blanket fort, inside my crapshack. I have a space heater that keeps me warm. I put the TV inside too. But, no matter how carefully I arrange the blankets, a rogue draft always appears OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.

2

You need to move out of Hot Shot, dude!

3

Great rant. Really got me chuckling.

So… why is there a cinder block in your kitchen? Are your cats thinking about building an addition? (If you do not have cats, this would be especially surprising.)

4

Thanks OP, for a wonderfully hilarious rant. I hope it’s some consolation that the shittiness of your life brings joy to others.

5

While I am reluctant to add to your misery, I am going to steal that line. Classic. :smiley:

6

He’s moving his house to the lee of the stone.

7

Nicely done.

8

I’m taking it your TV is the one thing that isn’t broken? I really should win something for being the first to solve the riddle. I’ll take the TV.

9

The computer’s not broken, right? Or the iphone.

I want a blanket fort in my crapshack.

10

And I wonder how my wife manages to drop two plastic hangers and leave them in the middle of the bathroom for two weeks and do nothing. It’s like they’re fucking invisible.

At least they weren’t cinderblocks I guess.

-Joe

11

Awesome.

12

Stop shopping in Walmart you cheap git.

13

Excellent rant! I’m glad I’m not you!

14

I don’t get it.

15

It’s a reference to a key plot point in the award-winning ( and excellent IMHO ) children’s novel Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH.

16

Ohhh that’s it I’m making a blanket fort tonight.

17

I love the inclusion of the window among the modern conveniences.

18

deleted. Just noticed Tamerlane’s link.

19

Seriously, what is up with the cinder block?

I was going to start another rant about the motherfucking crows outside my window that wake me up every fucking day at 5:00 am, no matter what, but never mind. They might be louder and more persistent than the barking dogs FUCKING EVERYWHERE, but it is much warmer inside here than it is outside, and there are no cinder blocks in my kitchen.

What does a turd made of fuck taste like?

20

I like the bit about the barking dogs that are fucking each other everywhere.