With few exceptions, fuck most things

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Did the cinder block come in your crapshack through the window and that’s how the window broke?

[The_Tao_s_Revenge]

@MeanOldLady

What does a turd made of fuck taste like?

If I were to guess, I’d say it tastes like nasty.

[Anne_Neville]

I see you were in the same kind of mood as I was today. I wonder if it’s the weather, or the sun setting so damn early.

[Lamar_Mundane]

You microwave eggs? That’s your problem right there.

[Isamu]

@Alice_The_Goon

The computer’s not broken, right? Or the iphone.

I want a blanket fort in my crapshack.

Blankets are broken too, I guess.

Fuck blankets! (How do they work?)

[davidm]

I predict that “WHY IS THERE A CINDER BLOCK IN MY KITCHEN?” will become a Straight Dope meme like “1920s style ray gun” or “masturbating like a mother fuck!”.

[davidm]

@Colibri

I like the bit about the barking dogs that are fucking each other everywhere.

I don’t think he meant that literally. It was an expletive like - They’re freakin’ everywhere!

Or did you realize that?

[davidm]

@davidm

I predict that “WHY IS THERE A CINDER BLOCK IN MY KITCHEN?” will become a Straight Dope meme like “1920s style ray gun” or “masturbating like a mother fuck!”.

“Death ray” not “ray gun”. :smack:

[Giraffe]

The important thing is that the OP is living the dream.

[elninost0rm]

@Walmarticus

…right up the cock with a dick. Every single modern convenience of mine is broken. Except my- but I’m not going to say what’s not broke because it’ll break.

First of all, the windows on my crapshack don’t close properly. It’s exactly as cold inside as it is outside. All the time. Plus barking dogs FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

Then my electricity fucked up. If I draw too much power (like microwaving an egg) shit trips out. I took a cold goddamn bath this morning. Outside (which is the same as inside) is colder than a witch’s nipple made of asteroids on the moon. I have no more dick. My parts of privacy are indistinguishable from a peach pit that’s been dry for several days, except it’s got a shriveled little stem.

Then I got drunk and smashed my shin into a cinder block. WHY IS THERE A CINDER BLOCK IN MY KITCHEN? I can’t even show off my awesome wound because it’s too cold to wear shorts. So what the fuck was the point?

And then I watched Attack of the Clones with the director commentary on. That fuckingcuntsteakdick-knoblerdildofuckbuttshittoast wasn’t even slightly barely repentant. He was talking about parallelism while Jarjar was ON THE GODDAMN SCREEN. Eat a turd made of fuck.
I now live in a blanket fort, inside my crapshack. I have a space heater that keeps me warm. I put the TV inside too. But, no matter how carefully I arrange the blankets, a rogue draft always appears OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.

1. Oh my god that’s the best transition ever.

2. No words would describe my child-like laughter for 2-3 minutes straight.

[MeanOldLady]

@davidm

I don’t think he meant that literally. It was an expletive like - They’re freakin’ everywhere!

Or did you realize that?

I think he was making ha-ha.

[Kobal2]

@MeanOldLady

What does a turd made of fuck taste like?

Turducken.

[descamisado]

::checks the date::

Leftover turd made of fuck, that’s the worst.

[BubbaDog]

OK - My turn

@MeanOldLady

What does a turd made of fuck taste like?

Kind of like pan fried semen only a little nuttier with an aftertaste of poopy.

[Walmarticus]

Electricians are on the way. They could have been here Monday, but instead of calling somebody on Sunday, I figured I’d just get drunk.

Slightly amusing/depressing: my toilet is now frozen. I go to take a leak and see a skin of ice, which doesn’t give me pause because I figure my warm juice will break it up. But of course, the flapper assembly is also frozen in place, which I didn’t consider. It’s a pissicle by now.

Also, my oven was half way across the room, but I can at least guess as to why.

@Tom_Tildrum

I love the inclusion of the window among the modern conveniences.

I said windows- plural. We can send a window into space, but we can’t make the ones on our crapshacks work?

@Lamar_Mundane

You microwave eggs? That’s your problem right there.

It’s the exact same thing as boiling them, except futuristic (70sly speaking).

[Morgenstern]

@MeanOldLady

What does a turd made of fuck taste like?

I dunno, but I’m betting it’s pretty close to Marie Callender’s meatloaf.

[davidm]

Walmarticus,
If your toilet’s frozen you may end up with some burst pipes.

[Walmarticus]

@davidm

Walmarticus,
If your toilet’s frozen you may end up with some burst pipes.

What if my hot water heater freezes? Bad?

[davidm]

@Walmarticus

What if my hot water heater freezes? Bad?

I’m not a plumber but I would imagine so. Your house is below freezing?

[Tom_Tildrum]

@Walmarticus

Slightly amusing/depressing: my toilet is now frozen. I go to take a leak and see a skin of ice, which doesn’t give me pause because I figure my warm juice will break it up. But of course, the flapper assembly is also frozen in place, which I didn’t consider. It’s a pissicle by now.

If you pour a pot of boiling water into it, you’ll have material for a whole new rant.