To Whom It May Concern

The BBQ Pit
1

Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m the guy who stepped on your gum. You do recall your gum, don’t you? It was pink. You chewed it for awhile, and then you spit it on the sidewalk on the corner of Broadway and Reade Street. A few minutes later, I accidentally stepped on your gum.

After first feeling that sticking sensation on the heel of my shoe, seeing that gooey pink strand stretching from my shoe to the sidewalk, and unleashing a long list of profanities directed at said gum on shoe, I was left with the question: Why?

Why did you spit your chewed up gum on a sidewalk? Didn’t the thought cross your enfeebled and imbecilic mind that someone would most likely step on the piece of gum and spend the rest of his or her day cursing the stupid fuck that spit gum on the sidewalk?

Or is it that you were aware, and you just didn’t give a shit? Is it that among your many defects you lack anything even remotely resembling a sense of decency, of compassion for your fellow human beings? Is it that you lack the mental acuity to empathize, to imagine yourself finding gum stuck on your shoe, to imagine how fucking angry that would make you feel about the asshole who spit his or her gum on the sidewalk?

Or is it that you are able to know exactly how that feels, and you spit your gum on the sidewalk expecting, even hoping, that someone else would step on it? Is it that in your pathetic little life the only way you can derive any enjoyment is by making others suffer?

I’m writing this message with the faint hope that you would actually be reading a message board mostly frequented by people of intelligence, a trait you could hardly claim, and that you are able to use your knuckles to bang out something resembling a response to this message, and more importantly, provide your name, address, and phone number.

I have your piece of gum, and I would like nothing better than to take it and the stick I’m using to scrape it from my shoe and shove them up your ass. Let me know what time is good for you.

Sincerely,

Banger (the guy who stepped on your gum)

resumes scraping gum off shoe

2

And this is why Singapore canes individuals caught doing this.

Most gum chewers and cigarette smokers seem to suffer from a universal delusion that their own preferred substances are like everyone else’s spit and will never be noticed no matter where they deposit it.

3

Anybody else singing the first two sentences to Sympathy for the Devil?

4

This reminds me of a story I heard…actually two.

A pastor was preaching and said he was driving around in town, and cut off one of his members, who then fingered him. After church, three people apologized. This is true.

Another was when a cop was at a school teaching on drugs, and passed out two joints. When they didn’t come back, the cop said unless they were up at the front in five minutes, they’d search everyone, and three joints came back. Don’t think this is true, but I don’t know.

So that said, sorry for spitting out my gum.

5

I’m afraid I must have a very twisted mind, for my first reading of this produced a very different meaning from that which was intended, methinks.

6

Don’t know what you mean, but to clarify, flipped him the bird, the middle finger…etc…

7

Damn. Must be Unitarian.

8

Maybe it was a kid…no…wait…they usually stick their ABC gum under a table don’t they?

That really is a bummer, though…(or should I say gummer?)

9

Giraffe, are you sure you don’t mean Catholic? Get it? Fingered? Get it?

I slay me.

10

Me too, Scarlett67. I had to read that 3 times before I understood the meaning!

Svt4Him: The word “fingered” can mean something other than flipping the bird.

11

…not to mention the term “cut of one of his members”. :smiley:

12

<Hoping none of my Catholic friends read this, because I’m really not a jerk>
essvee, if he was Catholic, he would have fingered them. Ha!
</Hoping none of my Catholic friends read this, because I’m really not a jerk>

13

I’m gonna do you one better and state flat out: “fingered” does not mean flipping someone the bird. "Giving someone the finger" means flipping someone the bird. Big difference.

14

And, for my third post in a row, I have to say that samarm’s last post actually made me shoot water out of my nose. Bastard.

15

:smiley: Giraffe!

You know, you’re dead right. So, did you hear the story about the pastor in the penis-chopping and fingering scandal?

16

“Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a man of wealth and taste.”??

17

Put me on the list of people who read it wrong. Both the “member” line and the “fingered” line. The combined visual was…well, guys had it too, so you know.
[sub]Psst, svt4him, “fingering/fingered” is slang for bringing a girl to orgasm by using the fingers to stimulater her clitoris, etc. Now you know. Other than that double entendre, though, good anecdotes :)[/sub]
Psifireus, when I was a kid, I used to climb under the tables at restuarants and count the pieces of gum that had been stuck under there. Never added to any of the grand totals myself, though.

And of course, Banger. That sucks, I completely commiserate. Once I stepped in gum, while wearing a pair of shoes with a very intricate pattern of tiny lines on the bottom. I didn’t notice what I’d done, and I proceeded to walked on a floor where a dog had shed everywhere. Picking the gum out of that was a treat. Anyway, happy scraping :slight_smile:

18

[nitpick]
it’s not illegal to chew gum, and you are not liable for caning if you sell or import gum.
[/nitpick]