Toddlers on a leash: yay or no?

In My Humble Opinion
41

NONE of this worked with my elder son. He started walking at 10 months and bolting at 12 months. He was far too young to explain consequences to, and even now at 11 years old thinks those things would never happen to HIM, despite us having terrified the younger son in our efforts to get the message home to the older one. He also had/has no “magnet effect” so if we were in a park and he refused to leave, I could walk away, get in the car and drive away (I actually did it once with my husband hiding behind a tree) and he never once looked up. Just didn’t care.

I lost him every single time we went out. The worst was in a huge hospital in Tokyo on the second floor when he was two. He took off running suddenly and disappeared into a stairwell. By the time I got there, there was no sign of him and as people were going up and down I couldn’t hear where he was. I yelled, no answer. I chose to go up to look for him but he’d gone down, through the lobby and into the busy Tokyo road before an elderly man grabbed him from stepping off the curb.

I am not exaggerating when I say he bolted every single time we went out. He could also twist his hand out of mine and run. He dislocated his elbow in an airport when I wouldn’t let go… We also had a lovely little phase between four and six years old when he thought that jumping RIGHT IN FRONT of neighbours cars as they pulled into or out of their parking spaces was really funny. Even really, really loud panic stricken yelling in his face from both me and the victims, plus me smacking him hard enough to make his bottom red didn’t stop that one…

I had a lot of helpful advice from family, friends and strangers alike and NONE of it worked. I used to hand him off to friends and family and let them try themselves.

We did try leashing him but he very rapidly worked out how to do the boneless cat impression and melt onto the floor in a puddle every time it was put on him.

That period of his life, which actually lasted four or five years, was an absolute bloody nightmare. Kids in Japan must go to a public school in their designated area, and they must walk without parents to school. For the first couple of months they walk in groups with the teachers and parents are assigned to stand on every street corner. Over the next few weeks the supervision tails off. The very first day they were given permission to walk home alone, despite TWO MONTHS of endless, endless talk, training, stressing that they were to walk with friends and only on the approved routes, my son walked out of school and vanished. Four hours later, after dark, he was found in a park a mile from the other side of school. Despite all the warnings and training, and being made to repeat back what he was supposed to do, he still thought that “You can walk home by yourself today” meant “Go wherever you like”.

He got walked to school by me from then on for six months whether it was the rules or not. Great fun in a blizzard with a toddler strapped to my back…

Truly, there are some kids who are bolters and who do need restraining in any way that makes them not dead or their parents hairless. My son was one of them. The younger one, brought up in the same way has never ever run away. It truly is personality.

42

I personally think it is degrading and I think less of the parent whenever I there kid in one. While I know this will offend some people, I would like to state that i DO NOT have any children. I have been entrusted countless times to take care of several children from infants to toddlers through my life and not once did one ever get away from me. Yes each child is different. Each child will have a different curiosity about the world and want to explore to a lesser extent then another child. The whole excuse about it being difficult to shop with one is very poorly thought out. Holding a child’s hand is a great way to keep them with you! While it may be hard to carry many bags while holding a child’s hand its not impossible to hold a bag in each hand whilist holding his hand. I am left handed, and as such i write with my left hand. I do not use my other hand to hold the credit card receipt in place while i sign it, giving a child a chance to run off. The notion that kids are little mini cheetahs is a joke. Yes they are small and there steps are quiet but 1 of your steps is about 3 or 4 of yours. As long as you make your child a priototy and do not get distracted i can not see them getting a while sans of someone running up and grabbing him.

43

I’m 38 so I guess that means they did have them :slight_smile: Mom wouldn’t have needed one of those for me anyway. It’s not that I couldn’t take off the wrist thing I just wouldn’t, I was that type of kid.

Heck, I think she’d still use that wrist strap one on me if she could get away with it. It’s still the same problem now as it was then. We will be walking and talking, I will get distracted by a dress or a pair of shoes or something in a store window and stop to look, she will keep walking and talking until she realizes no one is responding and come back and get me. She never gets that far, but it irritates her anyway :smiley:

44

Sorry to hijack, but this needs explaining.
What’s the logic here? State enforced nest emptying?

45

I’m not quite sure what you mean?

I think I wasn’t clear about the public school thing - what I meant to say was that if a kid goes to a public school and not a private one, you can’t pick and choose. There is one school for your area and that is the only one you are eligible for. So no kids have to travel a long way to their public schools unless they live in a country area. Then if they live more than 3.2km away from their designated school, there is a bus service.

It is against the school rules for parents to drive or accompany their kids to school (most private schools will have similar rules, resulting in tiny kids commuting on trains in rush hour - yuck.)

The first few days the kids are walked by their parents to a pick up point where teachers are waiting, and they are walked to school. A LOT of the school day is devoted to learning how to walk, who to walk with and which route to take. For the first couple of weeks parents are asked to go to the pick up points to meet their kids, and there are rotas for standing at street corners to usher all the kids across the roads. Then the kids are walked back to the pick up points and told to go on by themselves from there. Then finally about six weeks after they start school they must walk without parents. Some schools made walking groups with a couple of older kids in charge of the younger ones, but our local school was on a long straight road that everyone had to walk up, so there was just a mass herd of kids trailing up the road every day.

46

I’m not sure I can, it’s not like teaching a dog to fetch - It’s not a trick, is raising a child. If they don’t listen to you at home and/or have no concept of consequences for their actions, I don’t think you can suddenly expect them to stand still in a store.
If your child doesn’t listen when you tell it to not touch the hot frying pan, do you tie the kid up in the living room? (yes, toddlers are kept in cages or gated off) Is it acceptable for the young one to continue to try to play with the stove? How did you teach your kid(s) not to play with knives, fire, pointed sticks, in the street, or anything else? It’s the same thing.

That’s kind of why I assume a kid on a leash has issues, they appear (to me) to be unable to function above the level of a toddler. At least until they hit 11 or so, then they should be on leashes and/or in a cage.

47

I thought we were primarily talking about toddlers in this thread, unless I missed mention of where someone is harnessing up their kindergartener for a walk at the mall.

48

Maybe I’m wrong as to the ages involved, but I rarely see what I’d consider a “toddler” on a leash, 2-4 seems most common. Out of diapers and walking just fine. Well enough, apparently, to escape a diligent adult.

Saw one at a hockey game Friday night, looked to me like the parents just didn’t want to be bothered with keeping track of their child.

49

I think I’m missing the point here. Are you saying that kids should be on a leash or in a cage after they turn 11? If they have issues?

50

I really don’t like them. I didn’t have one when I was a kid. I was just taught not to run off. However, I don’t have any kids of my own so I reserve the right to change my opinion when I do.

51

And not to panic anyone, but hey, I’m a mom, and we think about such scenarios. Having a child on a leash makes it easier, if you child does bolt, he won’t get far. There are lots of people out there who will try to catch them, but it only takes one to catch them and keep going. :eek:

52

Toddlers start at walking age and are still considered toddlers until about 3 or 4, when they are considered preschoolers. (Mine didn’t get out of diapers until 3 1/2). 2 to 4 is prime leash age, that’s the age where they are quick, won’t listen, don’t understand consequences, become more and more independent, and have a burning curiosity. Its also frequently the age where Mom and Dad are dealing with a younger sibling and divided attention.

53

There are many, many times when it’s appropriate to use a leash.

I agree that some parents do this to avoid the burdensome chore of looking after their kids. But sometimes, the parent has to divert their attention to take care of business, and for kids, that’s the perfect opportunity to take off. Then the adult has to put the transaction on hold to go after the kid, resulting in a lot of frayed nerves. Running off can be dangerous to the child, especially if he gets into a store display that can topple over or whatever and the parent isn’t there to help.

My son’s preschool had a session with an expert who taught us how to use the leash as a teaching tool. Basically, you wean the child off the leash; running off means the leash goes back on. Eventually, they learn to stay with you if they don’t want the leash. When the child is completely leash-free, you make a little ceremony out of putting it away.

Robin

54

The younger sibling thing is key. When I only had one, I was perfectly capable of managing to look after him without resorting to a leash or a stroller. (Although, my oldest was never what you’d call a “runner” or a “bolter” so that made a difference too, I’m sure.) When I had my second, Whatsit Jr. was only two. It’s a lot harder to keep your two-year-old from running off when you’re holding a baby or pushing a baby in a stroller. Sure, you can put the two-year-old in a stroller, but how is that significantly different from putting them on a leash, except that the leash reminds people of dogs and cats and therefore attracts more negative attention?

And really, the number-one thing that I’ve learned since becoming a parent is that short of outright abusive situations, you don’t judge another parent until you’ve walked in their shoes. It’s very easy to sit and quietly tut-tut about how someone else’s parenting is outrageously bad or inattentive or degrading or whatever, but unless you’ve had the experience of parenting that person’s children, you have no idea what their reasons are for doing what they’re doing, and they might have very good reasons. Ask most people who’ve had kids if they’ve done things since becoming a parent that they swore previously they would NEVER do, and they’ll have a laundry list.

55

I’ll tell you why I use one.

I’m a 6’ tall guy, and it is quite difficult for me to stoop and hold the hand of my two year old for any length of time. But that alone wouldn’t be enough to get me to use one.

What did it was this: walking along the sidewalk holding his hand one day, when he spots a doggie on the other side of the street. He shakes off daddy’s hand before I know it, and is running like the wind - right into the street, to get across and get closer to the doggie. At two, he simply doesn’t know any better.

I caught him in about two bounds, and there was no traffic. But that is the closest I’ve ever come so far to being, literally, “scared shitless”. An oncomming driver could not have stopped, if a wee two year old just suddeny decided to dart in front of his or her car.

So, if some onlooker chooses to “think less of me” for using a restraint, I’ll grin and bear it. Seems to me better to give the kid his walking exercise and some safety at the same time.

While I’m sure some people think that you can just hold the kid’s hand all the time, I can assure you - that does nor work well will every kid. All it takes is a second and they have shaken off the hand and are gone.

56

I can’t hold my daughter’s hand every moment because I’m, y’know, there to SHOP. That means picking things up, examining them, checking items off my list, paying people. If the only time you’re touching things while shopping is signing the credit card slip, you’re doing it wrong. :wink:

Plus, she’s tiny! She’s something like 28" tall with a, what, 10 inch arm? I’m 5’6", the math doesn’t work for comfortable walking. Add to that the teeniness of her hand and the astonishing ability to sweat on demand and thus create lubrication to escape the clutches of her captors, and there’s just no way to hold the hand when she doesn’t want you to.

When that happens, I grab her wrist. That, of course, she can’t prevent, and if I cock her hand up at the wrist, she can’t wiggle out of my grasp, but now I’m stooping over even more. The weight of the shopping bag on that side can literally bowl her over, and she begins shrieking and bends her knees, causing her to start swinging in an arc on her tiptoes, bent kneed, rotating at the shoulder.

Do you know how easily a kid’s shoulder and/or elbow dislocates in an upright position? Very easily, that’s how easily. There’s even a name for it: nursemaid’s elbow.

So I put her in the cart instead. She’s safe there, it’s cool. However she’s going to whine, and cry, and scream. I’ve learned to tune it out, once I ascertain she’s safe. I don’t think, however, that the same is true of everyone else in the grocery store. They don’t need to hear that.

OR, when we leave the house and she asks to wear her puppy backpack, I can say yes. She’s happy, I’m happy, we avoid the emergency room and the fact that some stranger without kids might think less of us just really doesn’t concern me anymore.

The single best thing about getting old is caring less and less what other people think of me.

57

I had a sudden thought - perhaps all that unsolicited and annoying advice you get when you are pregnant is done by busybodies ON PURPOSE to harden your heart against the stares you are going to get when your two year old has a melt down in the cookie aisle at the grocery store, or when she insists on going out of the house in a lovely purple, green and yellow ensemble, or when you do “loose it” in public and say something that has everyone in hearing distance giving you the “bad parent” label.

Nah, but like having to pee nine times a night when your eight months pregnant, it just prepares you for what is coming up is worse.

58

Heh, think it’s hard when you are 5’6", try doing it when you are 6’. :smiley: It is quite literally back-breaking.

I too use the puppy backpack. The kid likes it. So far, the only actual comments I’ve gotten were from parents asking where me where I got it.

59

I was Hokkaido Brit’s oldest kid.

When I was a wee thing - old enough to be walking strongly and well, but not so old that I had anything resembling a sense of consequences or good judgment (Hell, or even bad judgment) I used to disappear in crowded public places with alarming regularity. I was also agile, small and really damn fast. Add fiercely independent and totally unafraid of anything to the list.

My younger brother is less than a year younger than me. So, by the time I was walking strongly, he’d been born. By the time I was 2, both of us were walking strongly. If she happened to be alone, she had two to watch like a hawk - even though my brother wasn’t a bolter, he still required watching. If my mother had know about kid leashes, you can bet your last dollar she’d have had me in one faster than you could imagine. She’s said as much.

I can’t even count the number of times she took her eyes off me for a split second - say, to attend one of my brother’s needs or to pick something off a higher-than-kid-height shelf at the store and I’d be gone. She’d panic, and eventually either track me down or have me returned to her by some adult while she was frantically searching for me. Once, I got fished out of a swimming pool behind a locked gate by my frantic father who can’t freaking swim about 30 seconds before I could manage to drown. He’d been paying for the hotel room, took his eyes off me for a second to sign the credit card slip (which took both hands) and I was history. Only the fact that he heard the splash behind the locked gate saved me (there was a gap in the fencing just big enough for me to squeeze through.

I didn’t mind being “left”. I assumed, correctly, that my parents would locate me sooner or later and in the meantime there were things to explore! I knew they loved me, and therefore I knew they wouldn’t permanently abandon me. Ergo, no being “left” was permanent - so there was no need to be scared. My mother, rightly I think, did not want me doubting either of those facts.

Neither of my parents were even marginally irresponsible (or the sort to wrap their kids in cotton wool to guard them against imagined dangers), but I managed to escape from them with amazing regularity.

Some kids are just like that. When I was old enough to be aware of consequences, I quit doing it - because I knew that my mom being pissed at me for not staying with her wasn’t worth it. There were still a good 3 - 4 years there when my mom lived in perpetual terror when she had me out of the house. I view a parent using a leash on their kid as one who’s being responsible.

Granted, it would be creepy to see one on a kid older than 4, but until then I view it as a useful sort of tool. One that can be abused, but useful nonetheless.

60

I had one when I was younger, but it wasn’t a full harness like in the OP’s picture. It was basically two wrist straps connected to a plastic/rubber curled stretchable cord thing. I wasn’t really the kind of kid to just wander off on my own unless given permission to do so, if I remember right. Sure I might hide inside clothes racks in the store when my mom was shopping and play ‘hide and seek’ in a way, but what kid hasn’t?
The only time I remember actually wearing it, though, was when we went to Disneyland, to make sure that I didn’t get lost and didn’t get separated from the pride. And I thought it was actually a fun thing to have at the time. I could bounce the cord around and think it was just as much fun as the rides.
Sort of when you buy your child a toy, but they play with the box. :stuck_out_tongue:

Back at home, I wasn’t kept on one, I was always the kind to stay close to mom/grandma and just follow. I really only got lost once, and that was because I was allowed to go look at some books (I was a reader as a kid, still am), and then couldn’t find grandma again.
Other than at Disneyland, I don’t remember wearing it.
Would I use it if I had kids? Depends if they’re the kind to bolt off or just stay with me. If they kept running off despite all attempts to reign them in, I’d probably have no choice but to resort to one. Though it would be a little embarrassing to me to use it. I’d feel like I stick out, especially since I’ve never seen one actually used before around here.