Toilet humor

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve had to do a lot of driving over the last few months and as a needed by-product of this, I’ve had to use a lot of public restrooms.

A few peeves, rants and comments.

#1) The single coolest kind of unrinal is one that’s fairly common in London and very unusual in America: It’s an entire wall covered in tile, angled just slightly (to reduce splatter) with a trough at the bottom running the legnth of the wall. The reason this is so cool is you get the manly-man thrill of “peeing against something vertical to mark your territory” (Doperbabes: some sissy Doperguys will come into this thread simply to deny this. They’re lying. ALL men have a secret urge to pee against walls and trees. This is a tru-fact). The disadvantage to this kind of urinal is there’s no way to flush. I’ve seen ones that have a drizzle of water trickle down the walls or (much worse) ones that only have a small current of water flowing in the trough. This kind leaves the rest-room pretty…um…whiff. But it’s worth it to pee against a wall.

#2) Stretched-out urinals. Take a normal urinal but stretch the bottom part to the floor. This is more constraining than number 1, because you can’t just pick anyplace along the wall and let loose with your torrent. Especially since (almost inevitably) there’s usually only one of these. You rarely see a whole row of stretched urinals. So you have to go where THE MAN says to. I see this as just one more step towards the feminization of Amerika. Goddamnit, I am MAN! I will piss where I choose!

#3) Regular urinals: Eh. There’s a lot of 'em, so there’s a choice. Also, a disadvantage to this kind of urinal is they put up these silly micro-walls between the stalls. As I’m fairly wide shouldered, this can be…confining. I don’t want to be confined when I piss. Tru-Fact. If there’s a row of 5 urinals in a row, the first one used will ALWAYS be the one furthest from the door. Once that one’s occupied, the one nearest to the door (but, more importantly furthest from the other guy) will be next. Then the middle. Then the one between the one furthest from the door and the middle one. The last one is the one between the middle and the one nearest to the door. God help you if you get the “loser’s stall”: it can undermine your whole day!

#4) The horse-trough kind. I’m not as fond as this kind of urinal as #1) It always seems more crowded than the “Piss against the wall” kind…I don’t mind being shoulder-to-shoulder with my fellow men, but…not here, so much. #2) I always feel that I’m embarrassing my fellow-men when I’m standing shoulder-to-shoulder, pissing in the horse-trough and then whipping out the Fenris-Tool[sup]tm[/sup]. I’ve seen their broken spirits as they realize I’m so much more man than them. And as I am the most modest and unassuming of men, it hurts me to humiliate them.

#5) No urinals at all. This enrages me. I am MAN. Women mature faster*, live longer, have higher pain threshholds, better eye-hand co-ordination. What do men have? The ablilty to pee standing up! (Yeah, women can too, but there’s rather more of a dribble factor) Sure I can piss in a toilet, but that involves target practice rather than letting loose. Plus there’s the shake factor. It’s easier to shake it in a vertical urinal than into a toilet that’s down at knee level (for most men. My problem is keeping i out of the water) If I’m gonna piss in a strange place, I want the comfort of pissing with abandon. Give me urinals or give me DEATH!

#6) The “hole in the floor” kind. New Mexico rest-stops are nortorious for this. It’s a toilet set over a hole in the floor. No water. There’s allegedly chemicals that remove the stench. They don’t. This is just gross. But there IS a sick sort of fun in peeing down a 10-15 foot hole and hearing it splatter in the piss-mud below…erm…for some men. Not me of course.

#6) The “Oh shit I gotta pee and this is the middle of nowhere” pee. This, as all True Men will admit, is the best kind of pee. Pissing on the nearly (but not completely cooled) coals from last night’s campfire and hearing the splatter and sizzle (from UPwind, of course) before burying the ashes, or off a cliff at Rocky Mountain National Park, and letting loose, watching the golden stream dissolve into mist in the wind as you think “It’s good to be alive. I am MAN. I pee where I want”

And really, what more is there to life?

There’s also a distinction between the MIGHTY PISS and the trickle.

The MIGHTY PISS is a satisfying visciral experience. The feeling of being an inevitable force of nature that makes you want to “Cry Havoc! And loose the dogs of war!”

The trickle, on the other hand, is necessary at times but unsatisfying. It’s like preparing to loose the dogs of war, but only having a kitten available.

Really, the best piss experience in the world is the MIGHTY PISS off a cliff. No one can disagree.

Fenris
(Hey, if Rabelais became a classic by talking about what to wipe your butt with, I should get a Poet Laureat or Nobel Prize for Literature for this!)

*This thread could be seen as proof of that

2

I’m still fond of the increasingly rare up-above cast iron variety. The one with the cistern that never seems to quite fill so you need to yank the chain at least six times and loudly inform most of South London of your predicament.

On some occasions I recall feeling the breeze as the neighbourhood collectively exhaled at a successful ‘pull’.
Another variety that still fills me with terror is the ‘downstairs loo’. That’s the tiny box room off the ground floor hallway that’s handier than going upstairs. It’s also the one you try and steer the girlfriends mother away from having dumped the night before’s excess in her previously ‘Forest Fresh’ oasis. And know you’ve failed as she staggers back into the living room, glazed, reaching out for furniture and mumbling about “more tea”.

It was with considerable relief I eventually discovered the embarrassment-free joys of a lit match.

3

Thanks for the laugh, Fenris!

4

There’s the ‘continental’ too; this is a little metal hut (often circular in shape) situated in the middle of a broad pavement; the inner wall is one big urinal, but above it there’s an eighteen inch gap so you can chat to people walking by, outside in the street.

5

I shall be known as "He who sacrified his manhood so that Fenrise’s prediction could come true"

deep sigh

I don’t have a secret urge to pee against trees or walls

6

For me, the most satisfying one is the mighty piss on the side of the road. At night under a full moon. In the snow. As cars drive by. Nothing like it in the world. There’s something about it that says, “I am man. And I am writing my name in the snow, as witnessed by countless passing motorists.”

That said, I must make the following confession: I don’t do the urinal thing any more. When having to use a public restroom, I go right for the toilet stalls. Why?

Perhaps others of you have encountered the beast. He is that unsavory-looking fellow who, while you’re engaging in a satisfying release of nitrogenous waste, saunters up to the urinal next to you. He then stands a full foot back from the accepted average peeing distance and uncoils something that looks like an elephant trunk, taking the time and effort to cast a smirking glance toward your genital area.

Two things bug me about this…

  1. Mr. Tripod, you’re required to observe the rules, just like anyone else. The rules are:
    [ul]
    [li]No one should be standing shoulder to shoulder when additional space is available. Move a stall or two down.[/li][li]Stare straight ahead. Any errant glances to the side are unacceptable.[/li][/ul]
  2. Okay, so I’m average in the size department. I don’t need to be reminded of this every time I need to find a new home for the beers I just drank. If I want to feel inadequate, I’ll rent a Long Dong Silver porno. Now wipe that smirk off your face, Mr. Third Leg.
7

Or this one, which is even more of a public convenience.

8

Which is why it is never a good idea to stand in front of me at a bus queue or checkout line.

9

:smiley: Hillarious! Thanks, Fenris.

10

“Fenris-Tool™” You are a silly man.

11

Wow. I had no idea being a guy involved so many…you know…RULES.

I did notice that when we tore out our bathroom, all the men in the house took a rather inordinate amount of pleasure at the prospect of peeing in the yard. Whereas I, being the delicate womanly blossom that I am, went to the neighbor’s. Bathroom, not yard, I mean.

12

Tru dat! Peeing against a tree is exactly how I toilet learned babyjesus at age 2. It took a while (and a little cold weather) before he began using the facilities inside the house. Even to this day, he can be out of the truck and around the side of the garage before I can get the truck to a complete stop.

13

I prefer the urban equivalent - the piss off the el or building top. Of course, to avoid being hit by passing trains, face AWAY from the tracks.
[sub] waddaya mean, there’s a STREET down there, and people? oops…[/sub]

14

Actually, lurkernomore, the reason you face away from the tracks is so you don’t hit the third rail. :smiley:

15

Thank you, bodypoet. It is through dialogue like this that we continue to explore the vast chasm that divides men and women.

Fenris

16

Well, it’s not quite THAT long. It only hangs a few feet over the edge.

17

Don’t forget the shame of having to use the lowered little boy’s urinal. Oh sure guys make jokes about how they need the lower one so they don’t dangle in the bottom, but everybody knows they are secretly dying of embarassment at not being able to pee like a real man.

18

Men’s rooms are not designed for average sized people- They’re made for towering freaks. I like the low urinals-- The more oblique of an angle you hit the porcelain with, the less chance you have of splashing your pants. I’m all for that.

Not to mention, as I noticed at the Vancouver Dopefest, if you’re looking up at those irritating motion-activated LCD screens that try to sell you beer and smokes while you pee, the colours are all solarized and psychedelic, making you wonder if someone’s slipped you a mickey.

19

Excuse me, could someone please point me to the Marcel Duchamp exhibit?

20

Thank you, Fenris, Thank you. I have long been of the opinion that Mighty Piss™ (what I always called a “racehorse piss”) is the single-most trancendental experience to be had.
It’s better than sex.

" ‘Better than sex’ you say? pshaw! Nothing is better than sex!"
I’ve heard that too many times, but it’s just not true. For men, as much fun as sex is, there is only one point of extreme pleasure: the moment of orgasm. four to 10 seconds. Unless you do some of that crazy tantric shit, which I don’t believe in. :stuck_out_tongue:
A good Mighty Piss™ can last upwards of a minute. In fact, my longest recorded MP™ was 1 minute, 18 seconds.*
After sex, a man just wants to go to sleep. After a Mighty Piss™, he feels as if he can conquer the world.

*[sub] Yes, I time it. It’s just something I do. Don’t ask.[/sub]