I used a few tampons to do the job once. Leaves. Snow also. Pooped in a river and a lake. If pooping in a lake, realize this: The current created while you walk will actually draw things closer to you. Running will make the current stronger.
Pity there’s already been a Jaws II.
What was wierd was three or four of us testing the strength of the igloo that morning by climbing across the top of it. I was, however, the only one aware of the repercussions of if one of us had actually fallen through. Somehow though the heat from the blast had welded the inside together so that it was even stronger than a poop free igloo, it had sustained a *solder fart *if you will.
Ol’Gaffer, I’ll think of you come Christmas when someone next mentions a stocking stuffer.
lieu, a truly amusing OP!
I used to go hiking frequently in the hills around town. Since my standard pack consisted of my .303 British Enfield, several dozen rounds for said rifle, and–for really serious hikes–a canteen, I’ve been caught out without several times.
So I got to thinking about my solutions to some of those occasions and I realized that even in this thread, in mpsims, it’s way too much information.
You people don’t need to know that I’ve had to use a length of braided steel cable while hiking the oilfields (be careful if you try this at home… beware the ends!!), or a crushed tin can while camping (you have to find one that was opened very cleanly).
So I’ll spare you the details of the time I …
*Stranded!
Stuck on the toilet bowl.
What do you do when you’re stranded
And you don’t have a roll?
You can prove you’re a Man by resorting to your hand …
STRANDED!
*
Wiping stories-
I had to use a towel (not trowel) when we were all out of TP and I threw it away afterwards. While camping, I have used leaves- the key is to have a clean break.
One of my older sisters told me that once she was so constipated she used a small teaspoon to dig it out. I have never believed this. But she does have a wonderful collection of antique salt spoons.
Idiots.
What do you think the pockets on a pocket t-shirt are for?
No, you don’t poop in the pocket. You rip the pocket off. If you’re ever in an area where there are alot of people that work in the logging industry, look at their shirts. Nary a pocket in sight.
Obviously we’re talking pewter?
Like almost everything else, there is a ‘how to’ book for defecation without environmental impact. Of course it is called How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art.
If ever there was a doper who needed this book - it is Lieu.
Surely I’m not the only one who has used the Chicago Reader during a bathroom emergency?
I once wiped my ass on Edmund Spencer, from the Norton Anthology of English Literature. I had chosen that particular page with great deliberation. I was actually rather torn between him and John Donne…
You went medieval on your own ass?
My brother used leaves like he was told to do in the Boy Scouts. Only, he used nettles…
Actually, lieu, I believe I went I went Elizabethan on my own ass. Doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it? sigh
Picturing Ving Rhymes telling some guy he’s going to go “Elizabethan” on his sorry ass…
No.
You mean that no one here has ever found themselves, after a very long traffic jam, searching for a gas station ?
No one has ever entered that black hole of Calcutta, openable only by a key chained to a large plastic gender-icon, to find a white tile room where every piece of ceramic has been covered by grease & worse…? A place where the last bit of TP was eaten by a starving rat in 1987?
Ok…so you do the standing squat. But how do you clean? That sink doesn’t even have fawcet handles, let alone water. What to do…(you’ve got plenty of time to think now…)
And then you remember: Its been a while since you cleaned your wallet, right? All those old ATM recieps are fair game. All those losing raffle tickets for St.Mary’s school for psychotic nuns? Their fair game. All those girls phone numbers who you never were going to call anyway…Fair Game!
And after you’re all done & buckling your belt you realize : that wasn’t such a bad deal. You dropped your load, have a fairly clean ass, your credit cards fit your wallet much easier. And if the Septic has a problem taking it, its the smiling joker who just charged you $1.85 a gallon who’ll have to clean it up.
…and they walked away Contented.
Well, considering that every time I have to make an offering at work I think of you, I consider it fair play.
Nobody ever used an outhouse? Corncobs? Montgomery wards catalogs? (save the lingerie section for last)
Best: Powder puff, stolen from empty (well, nearly so) powder container. Began a three day fight, but worth it.
Worst: Ixtapa hotel room. Asswipe apparently manufactured by 3m abrasives division. Actually caused bleeding. Several sheets saved, and later used to refinish the dinette set.
Now think about beaches. Think about beach sand. Think about spreading one’s cheeks and scooting along the sand like a dog with an itchy butt.
And don’t ask any more questions.
b.
I thought that even the extreme “nature as you found it” backpackers allowed for TP – as long as you pack the used TP back out with you and dispose of it properly after the hike. You carry a sealable plastic bag to put it in. No TP at all – why that’s uncivilized! 
When you’re on top of a mountain, out = down. It seems like a reasonable course of action. lieu is a wise man.