Toilet Paper vs. a Trowel

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sometimes life is predictable. Sometimes it’s not. Sure, we’d all like to think that we’re going to be prepared for anything life might throw at us but, understandably, eventually we’re going to be caught off guard.

Toilet paper is one of the most practical inventions of the 20th century. It’s efficient, cheap and plentiful… usually.

Twice that I can remember, said invention was absent in my time of need. Not even a freaking square. What’s a guy to do? When caught unprepared, improvise.

Not without reason, both instances of sans buttwipe occurred on the same trip. It was Outward Bound’s Ski Mountaineering course, 11 days in March at elevation in the Rockies.

They stressed amoung other things on this trip the importance of leaving nature as you found it and personal toughness. In an effort to achieve both these objectives and to save backpack space, toilet paper was a no no. What, pray tell, did they offer as an alternative?

Snow balls.

They wanted me to scoop out a crapper in a snow drift, deposit my stuff and then shock my sphincter silly by rubbing it with nature’s snowcone. Ummmm, okay. So there’s alternative medium number one.

The experience produced an unexpected side effect though. I became resolute in my efforts not to soon repeat the experience. Remember, however, that I said 11 day trip. No man, myself included, has a sphincter tenacious enough to stem the tide for the remainder of the journey 2 days into an 11 day odyssey.

Must have been about day 7 or so. I’ve pretty much got a batch that’s trying to kick the door down. We’re above the treeline one morning and have just exited our igloo and are about to set off for the summit and then start our descent. Everyone’s stuff is out of the igloo and I see my chance because there before me is this beautiful, heaven sent, paper toopographic map. Yes, the one that’s needed to get us off the damn mountain.

I pick it up, study with as much concentration as I could muster our route across hill and dale and then take it into the igloo with me and shit all over it.

It was like the greatest poop of my life. I had farts leapfrogging over each other trying to get out. I think the heat from my steamer alone caused the inside of the igloo to fog up, thus adding to the dreamlike quality of said durf. Then I exited and drew in a great breath of fresh, mountain air.

So that’s it for me as far as being inventive with TP implements… snowballs and a topo sheet.

Surely, someone’s got me beat?

2

Beating lieu with a toilet story?

That’s like saying you played a little 1-on-1 with Michael Jordan and won.

I would offer up leaves, but (thankfully) have never had to resort to that kind of thing. I do have friends who have done that when we’ve been out on long trail runs and there is no other alternative.

3

Mmmmmm… the trail runs.

4

Damn I thought the trowel mention guaranteed a story about a masonry dude trying to tuckpoint yer asscrack.

I want my money back.

5

It still might. Where’s Billy Rubin?

6

At the risk of being shunned…

I was on a hike during winter (no leaves) and had to drop one. I had nothing. Not even a candy wrapper. Pondering what to do, I thought about rocks or sticks. Ouch! No way I’m gonna scratch myself up with that. So, in a fit of desperation, I tweezled my crack with….my bare hand! Luckily, it wasn’t one of those perpetu-wipers, so a couple of swabs, and I was good to go. There was a stream nearby, so I was able to dedung my hand before continuing my trek.

7

For whatever it’s worth, I heard a talk from an Everest climber who told us of two items to bring along in great quantities if ever we climbed the big one ourselves. One item was a particular type of food, the other item was toilet paper. If it’s good enough for an Everest climber, it’s good enough for us.

I’ve used leaves, stones, a towel I hated leaving there (but wasn’t about to take with me,) and the contents of a trash barrel. Luckily, the restroom without toilet paper was a Dunkin’ Donuts, therefore the trash barrel had lots of their napkins.

Leaves guarantee a poke through. And even if you don’t, they suck anyway. Stones are nice and sturdy. You just have to pick the right kind of surface: Preferably the kind that spent some thousands of years in a stream bed.

8

No schist?

9

They don’t call it mountain money for nothing.

10

lieu HA! :smiley:

~Winston, who has sworn off leet speak, but not smilies.

11

Two bits, four bits
six bits, a dollar.
Their butts are cleaner
in Butcher Holler.

12

You are a brave man, taking out the map like that. I would have probably left a trail of socks from one end of the mountain to the other. At least if I got lost I could follow them like a trail.

13

Finally, an explanation for the ubiquitous missing sock.

“Honey, do you know what happened to your other sock?
Nope. Last I remember it was pressed firmly against my anus.”

14

Why use snow balls, rocks, leaves or your hand for emergency toilet tissue? You have some perfectly good toilet tissue substitute wrapped around your ass. Your skivies make excellent ass wipe, just cut or tear off enough to do the job. You do need to take into account the type of skivies you are wearing, big ass baggy boxer shorts are the best. If the skivies are not enough then start in on the socks. But, the best thing is to be prepared and have a nice stash of grade A toilet paper handy.

15

Since toilet paper is bourgeoisie luxury in Castro’s communist paradise I grew up wiping my ass with pages from the daily paper, Granma*.

By the way the paper is also called “The official organ of the Cuban Communist Party”. Make of that, and our use of it, what you will.

  • Yes, that’s the name of the paper; it’s named after the boat Castro used to get to Cuba in 1956. He had bought the bought in the US and it was named thusly because it was “slow moving”
16

I loves me some lieu, another alliteration aficionado.

17

…and obviously that should be bought the boat.

18

Back in my poor hippie days, living with several roommates, we used to keep a telephone book under the counter in the sink for just such emergencies. Tear out a page and crumple it up a bunch of times, and it’s almost as soft as the real thing.

My brother told me about a couple of times when he and his roommates were drastically short of funds. They had enough change to buy coffee filters or toilet paper, but not both. Natch, they bought the coffee filters, because they’re dual purpose.

19

Well, hey. What do you know, there it is. Man, I’ve been looking for that sucker for two days.

20

Best thread title in a while. Guaranteed to start another “sequential threads” thread. But right now it only has “What are your flaws.” after it.

BTW: no one’s mentioned “moss” yet. A good reason to hike where it rains.