Over in this thread, someone recounts an incident in which a friend acted (IMO) like a dick.
This has generated much discussion of etiquette, but also includes the following admonitions:
This is based on a single incident where the friend acted in an assholish way. I find this surprising. In my life, my friends get a much greater pass than that.
The longer I’ve known someone, the greater the pass is, too. I can only really think of two people I’ve consciously “dropped”, and they were serious repeat offenders. Childhood friends that I probably wouldn’t even get on with if I met them for the first time today, are tolerated by my circle of friends with a very high degree of acceptance of their foibles, annoying though they may be*. And thank goodness it’s reciprocal…
ETA: *I should add why. Because I believe that the benefits of that tolerance far outweigh the annoyance.
Dropping a friend from that circle is a very big deal. There’s one schoolfriend who’s largely been dropped by most after more than ten years of acting completely batshit, but it was a painful experience for everyone.
Personally, I act like an asshole from time to time. My good friends let me know and I try to change. Not always successfully.
Do most people really think that if a friend has acted an asshole once, then the friendship is doomed?
Or is it this specific incident that generates this reaction - i.e. if he acts like that over this incident, then it indicates he’s rotten to the core?
I agree, the people in that thread who told the OP to “get rid of this friend” are really overreacting. A member of my circle of friends went through a period of drug and alcohol addiction about two years ago during which he stole money from some of us, destroyed our property, and generally acted like a selfish asshole. But he’s been our friend for over ten years (twenty in my case), and now that he’s gone to rehab we’ve forgiven him and he’s just as much a valued member of our circle as he was before all that happened.
A few years ago I became really depressed and acted like sort of a jerk. Some of my friends pretty much stopped hanging out with me and even after I got better we weren’t friends again. This really hurt me, and I still think about it almost every day. I was being an asshole, but I wish they would have tried to understand the situation I was in and given me a second chance.
I was one of the posters who said get rid of him. For me, it was because the particular incident portrayed in the OP seemed to indicate the “friend’s” nature as a person, it wasn’t just a tired/cranky moment that all of us have had at one point or another in our lives.
The “friend” indicated that he would actually expect the OP to pay 600 dollars if he were to accidentally sit on the glasses. To add insult to injury, he put the glasses on the passenger seat again, almost daring the OP to accidentally sit on them. Then, this “friend” has the brass balls to declare his unwillingness to make even the slightest change in his behavior, even if doing so would avoid his precious sunglasses’ potential demise. I somehow doubt the friendship would survive a catastrophic $600 sunglasses incident. This shows me that the “friend” would rather risk losing the OP’s friendship than risk denting his gigantic ego in the slightest.
This, to me, indicates a potentially litigious, materialistic, petty “friend” with a total inability to accept personal responsibility for his actions. This is the type of person you do not want in your life, as they are certain to cause trouble at some point. This is the type of “friend” you suddenly find yourself on Judge Judy with.
I don’t know the background of their friendship because it wasn’t provided, so that’s not factoring into my analysis. To me, they could’ve just met last week. Given that, I stand by my post. Head for the hills, my friend.
Some remarks or acts just show a person’s character flaws. Usually these work as an eye-opener, and break the rosy tinted glasses all friendships need.
This right here. I would take an action like what was given in that thread as at the very least a call to examine my past history with that person, looking for other examples of this, and at the very least to be extremely wary going forward.
lezlers, I didn’t want to name names, so thanks for stepping up. I get your reasoning. It is specifically incident-related.
For the purposes of the thread I’ll give you the other example of when I dropped a friend:
I got on really well with a guy I worked with. Eventually both of us left the company, but we continued to go out for drinks occasionally. I invited him and his girlfriend to dinner, and he accepted. My girlfriend and I cleared one of our weekend nights, and I bought food. On the afternoon before the dinner, he cancelled, saying his girlfriend wasn’t well. Fair enough, these things happen.
We rescheduled for a few weeks’ hence. And the same thing happened. Now I was becoming suspicious - either his girlfriend didn’t want to come, or he was using her as an excuse. We again rescheduled.
A few weeks later, third strike, and he was out. I didn’t bother speaking to him again. But… he wasn’t a good or an old friend. If he had been a more established friend I may have confronted this, but as it was I just didn’t care too much.
Actually it’s based on three consecutive instances of assholery followed by a refusal to admit any fault whatsoever.
incident 1: a warning that the sitter would have been responsible for a very expensive pair of glasses had he damaged them.
incident 2: placement of glasses in a location where likelihood of damage was abundantly demonstrated on a prior occasion.
incident 3: refusal to modify behavior to accomodate friends.
In a relatively brief period of time, this fellow demonstrated, repeatedly, a pattern of blaming others and a refusal to accept any responsibility whatsoever for his own well-being.
A friend who screws up once in a while gets a pass; someone who demonstrates a pattern of selfishness like that is not someone I’d want to be friends with.
As an isolated incident, dumping a friend (particularly one who you have a history with) over the glasses thing seems really strong. If I dumped every friend who did something self-centered at one time, or said something stupid or insulting at one time, I’d have very few friends.
On the other hand, if selfishness is a regular attribute of the friend in question, you have to address the possibility that they’re not really treating you with the care you’d expect from a friend.
I remember back in high school I had a friend with whom I grew up (we lived two houses apart since the 1st grade) and considered probably my best friend at the time, though we were starting to grow apart a bit. I went to his house once and he and his older brother had bought a pizza before I got there. When the pizza came, I asked if I could have a slice. My friend did the math, and figured out what it would cost me for one slice as a percentage of what he spent on the pizza. I was floored. And, I didn’t have any money on my, so I got no pizza.
It was selfish and rude of him. But, I didn’t dump him as a friend. I did remember that moment (it’s been probably 15 years), and it changed my expectations of our friendship for a long time.
Here’s a recent incident that happened to me that’s more relevant to the situation from the other thread:
A friend of mine was about to drive to my apartment to meet me and a few other friends. I asked him to stop at a gas station on the way to buy some beer for us all to drink, and I told him we would pay him back when he got here. He refused, saying it would take too long. True, there wasn’t anywhere to stop directly on his route, but he wouldn’t have had to go too far out of his way. 10 minutes at the most. We argued about it for a while and he finally agreed. He came off as selfish and unaccomodating in this incident but I didn’t drop him as a friend because of it.
I suggested dropping the friend in the other thread. I couldn’t imagine being friends with someone who was such an ass. I have few friends ;). Maybe I use extreme selective pressure prior to befriending someone, but I can’t imagine a friend behaving so badly.
I’m undecided on this action; on the one, hand, the guy in the linked thread showed clearly that he has a very different way of looking at life than I do. On the other hand, if I can adjust my expectations and actions so that it doesn’t become a factor in our friendship, I’d continue to hang around with him. Getting blindsided like that a couple more times, though, and I’d probably just stop calling him.
No one’s going to dump a friend over one incident just because a bunch of people on a message board say “dump him”. But it does have the benefit of putting some doubt in the OP’s mind. If it’s just one incident, nothing will come of it. If it’s a pattern, the OP will perhaps notice, and if not dump the friend, at least not let be walked over.
So I think it’s good advice, even if it shouldn’t necessarily be taken literally.
I can give an example of dropping a good friend over a single incident - my best friend throughout junior high and high school. When I was 19, he and I had a disagreement over my girlfriend: he thought it would be cool to fuck her, but I didn’t see things his way.
He’d been starting to drift from our circle of friends anyway, but it was another year or so before he stopped hanging out with us. I tolerated his presence during that time, but I didn’t consider him my friend anymore. Once he stopped hanging with us… good riddance.
I saw him a few times over the next several years - every once in a while he’d show up at a gathering. The last time I saw him was twelve years ago. The girl is long gone (was soon after that incident, actually), I barely ever think of her; as for my “friend”, I don’t know whatever happened to him, and don’t much care.
That’s generous of you to keep being his friend. Personally, the moment an acquaintance shows any reluctance to act as my personal errand boy, I cut them out of my life completely.
I was a little shocked at how many people said “dump him.” The thing is, there’s a difference between bad behavior and bad character. If this was an isolated incident from someone who was otherwise a great guy, then it’s no big deal. (Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be called out on it, of course.) If it’s typical behavior for him, then dump his sorry ass. But we have no way of knowing. I think it would be a big mistake to define his entire character on one second-hand incident.
I have dropped two friends for reasons that were justified. The first one decided to have an affair with my (now ex) husband. The second was a miserable person who would send me long emails the morning after we went out telling me what I did “wrong,” such as not offering to switch seats with her in a theater when hers was wobbly and complaining about staying past closing time in a bar when the bouncer was shouting at everyone that the bar was closed. Oh, also, she would smoke in non-smoking bars, and if I said “um, you’re not supposed to smoke in here,” she would tell me I was rude and couldn’t tell her what to do.
I “broke up” with both of these friends. The funny thing is, I’ve reunited with both of them (after frank discussions of boundaries) and am now fairly close to them.
As others have said, I probably wouldn’t dump him as a friend. But you can damn well bet there’s be suspicions in my mind and I’d be way more cautious around him. And probably inclined to hang out with him a little less.
jjimm, doll, join date of 2001 you say? Then surely you have realized it is a sacred and long-held tradition on the SDMB to encourage people to permanently distance themselves from anyone who exhibits sliver of a shadow of assholery even once. “My friend knocked over my drink and didn’t buy me another one or apologize.” “BURN HER!!!”
To the rest of the world, this is one incident. Perhaps the friend was having an asshole day. People have those.
all friendships need.