Aw, hell, no. That might start a fight.
While probably not original to the show, on The Office I loved the following exhange (as best as I can rememebr it):
Dwight: It’s called Second Life, it is an alternate reality where I can fly.
Jim: And you’re winning?
Dwight: There are no winners and losers.
Jim: Oh, there’s losers.
Designing Women is good for zingers. One which probably isn’t unique to the show but is the first place I’d heard it, from Julia: “If God were handing out venereal diseases as punishment for sinning, you’d be at the free clinic all the time!”
Even better, though, are the tirades that Julia goes off on periodically. My personal favorite is the one in which she’s explaining to the current Miss Georgia World why it is that her sister Suzanne was the greatest Miss Georgia World in recorded history. I used to have it committed to memory.
Talking BBC, one I love from Coupling is in the last episode. Sally is confronting Patrick about him having slept with Jane.
Patrick: Sally, I’m trying to think.
Sally: I know. It’s like watching a whale knit.
On Angel: Wesley, after a night of hot sweaties with Angel’s mortal enemy and Satan’s barrister, Lila:
Lila:“Don’t think about me after I’m gone”
Wes: “I wasn’t thinking about you when you were here”
Blackadder: “Baldrick, you wouldn’t recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing subtle plans are here again.”
Homer Simpson, to his son Bart on his failure to fool him on April Fool’s Day: “You couldn’t fool your mother, on the foolingest day of your life, with an electric fooling machine.”
Rudy, from the 1970s cartoon Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, would give frequent variations on the “no class” insult. Example: “You remind me of Christmas”. “Why, because of my giving nature?” “Uh-uh. No class!”
Nelson Muntz, from a recent episode of The Simpsons, to a “traditional print journalist” from the Washington Post: “Ha-ha, your medium’s dying!” (It’s funny 'cause it’s true.)
Which is what made this exchange so sweet:
Lilith: Well, I’m off. I don’t know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That’s very good, Carla. Incidentally, I’ve taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I’ll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.
Carla: Well, that was just rude.
Speaking of Angel, there was Lorne’s mother’s comment, “We ate the wrong son.”
The Japanese version of Friends, as seen on The Simpsons:
Male friend: Do you like my new shirt? It says “Reggae Hairstyle, Rock N’ Roll”! Could I be more Japanese?
Female friend: You are the emperor of last year.
Male friend: Your comeback shames me.
These are paraphrased from Cheers-
Diane: Do you know what the difference is between you and a fat braying ass?
Sam: No…
Diane: The fat braying ass would!
Frasier has had a huge argument with Lilith, who he has not begun dating yet:
“You are an enigma- most women with nothing to recommend them by way of attractiveness make up for it with a personality!”
Norm regarding Woody: Speaking of farms, there’s limited breeding stock where you’re from, isn’t there?
SANFORD AND SON: Lamont has chosen an engagement ring from the obnoxious sales clerk, Frank “uh-YEeeeeeessssssss!” Nelson:
Frank: Splendid choice sir. I think that the engagement ring should make a statement about its wearer and you’ve certainly chosen well!
Lamont: Thanks.
Frank: Tell me, how long has your fiancee been a gypsy?
Esther: My name is in the Bible. Esther… a beautiful queen.
Fred: I don’t remember that part, but I remember when Samson killed some Philistines with your jawbone.
Barney to Andy standing in one of Helen’s all girl dinner parties: “I don’t mean to be mean, but 'cept for Helen there’s not a girl in here wouldn’t point if you flew some quail through the room…”
Blanche to Rose on GOLDEN GIRLS after a long St. Olav story:
“Honey, that is not a love story. It is an agricultural story. It is a stupid agricultural story. That is a Why the hell tell it in the first place? story!”
Thanks, but I already have a lifetime gay subscription.
The ep was just on TV Land the other night. I hadn’t seen it in a couple of years and was almost literally hyperventilating by the time she got to the end. I hope the one with Anthony impersonating Consueala comes on soon. One of the funniest half-hours of television ever. “Forgive me, my ankles are huge!”
I think my favorite DW line ever (you’d have to see the episode for context) was Suzanne in a happy nostalgic mood asking “Now why don’t they have scared black people in movies anymore?”
Ah yes, from “The Grand Ghostly Mansion of Atlanta” when Charlene buys a haunted house. “Help it’s Bob Cole!”
I’m doing tech for a play right now with some really great insults.
The play is ‘What the Butler Saw’ and my favorite line is this.
Doctor: (to his wife) You were born with your legs apart. They’ll have to bury you in a Y shaped coffin!
Indeed, a Top 25 Insults with no Golden Girls? Absurd.
Comedy gold, I tell you!
I have also used Suzanne’s philosophy on feminism many times with my husband.
“The man should have to kill the bug!”
(Usually hollered while I flee from the room.)
Little Wing:
I saw that episode very recently - the victim was Sergeant Zale. There wasn’t any particular set-up, they were just fighting with one another.
Statler and Waldorf could probably fill the whole list by themselves.
C’mon people, everyone knows the greatest TV insult of all time is:
"Sit on it, Potsie!"
followed by
"Up your nose with a rubber hose!"
Yes I am a child of the '70’s…