What’s the best put-down/insult you’ve heard in TV/movies?
I’d go with Black Adder, saying this:
Y-Shaped Coffin brings a smile to my face anytime I think of it. Brilliant!
“I had better sex in prison!” - Ben Affleck to Charlize Theron in “Reindeer Games”.
Similarly,“I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” - from Road House
Not necessarily the best insult ever, but in an episode of the late lamented series “Starved” the mean eating disorder group leader (played by Jackie Hoffman) says to one of the characters, “If you were a dog I’d shoot you in the face.” I love that line.
“I’ve never been so insulted in my life!”
“Well, it’s early yet.”
from Aliens:
Male Marine: Have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Female Marine: No. Have you?
On Hill Street Blues, Belker was once undercover in a Kosher butcher shop for some reason. This one old lady customer kept requesting chickens, grasping them by the drumsticks, and inhaling deeply between their legs before rejecting them disgustedly. After about the third or fourth one he says:
“Lady, could you pass that test?”
At the beginning of Ironman, Tony Stark is approached by a reporter that he decides to bring home for a night of ahem fun and games. In the morning, the reporter finds Stark gone and his assistant holding her clean clothes.
Reporter-“You must be the famous Pepper Potts. Does Tony have you doing lanudry now?”
Potts-“I do anything and everything that Mr. Stark requires of me, from picking up the dry cleaning to taking out the trash.”
Lots of good ones in BTVS:
Bad Guy: Say good night, bitch!
Buffy: Good night. Bitch.
Bad Guy: I’m going to kill you!
Buffy: That line just gets scarier and scarier every time I hear it.
A one liner from Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School:
Cheating Wife: “You’re impossible!”
Rodney: “Oh yeah, well you’re easy!”
And a long one from Clint Eastwood in White Hunter Black Heart:
John Wilson: I would like to tell you a little story.
Mrs. MacGregor: Oh, I love stories.
John Wilson: Well, you mustn’t interrupt now, because you’re way too beautiful to interrupt people. When I was in London in the early 40’s, I was dining one evening at the Savoy with a rather select group of people, and sitting next to me was a very beautiful lady, much like yourself.
Mrs. MacGregor: Now you’re pulling my leg.
John Wilson: Now, just listen, dear. Well, we were dining and the bombs were falling, and we were all talking about Hitler and comparing him with Napoleon, and we were all being really brilliant. And then, suddenly, this beautiful lady, she spoke up and said that was the thing she didn’t mind about Hitler, was the way he was treating the Jews. Well, we all started arguing with her, of course. Though, mind you, no one at the table was Jewish. But she persisted. Are you listening, honey?
Mrs. MacGregor: Mustn’t interrupt Daddy.
John Wilson: That’s right. You’re way too beautiful for that. Anyway, she went on to say that that’s how she felt about it, that if she had her way, she would kill them all, burn them in ovens, like Hitler. Well, we all sat there in silence. Then finally, I leaned over to her and I said, “Madam, I have dined with some of the ugliest goddamn bitches in my time. And I have dined with some of the goddamndest ugly bitches in this world. But you, my dear, are the ugliest bitch of them all.” Well, anyway, she got up to leave and she tripped over a chair and fell on the floor. And we all just sat there. No one raised a hand to help her. And finally when she picked herself up I said to her one more time: “You, my dear, are the ugliest goddamn bitch I have ever dined with.” Well, you know what happened? The very next day, she reported me to the American Embassy. And they brought me in for reprimand. And then when they investigated it, they found out she was a German agent. And they locked her up.
[smiles]
John Wilson: Isn’t that amazing?
Mrs. MacGregor: Why did you tell me that story?
John Wilson: Oh, I don’t know. It wasn’t because I thought you were a German agent, honey. But I was tempted tonight to say the very same thing to you. I didn’t want you to think I had never said it before. You, madam, are the - Well, you know the rest.
Also from BTVS:
“Does this shirt make me look fat?”
“No, it’s your *fat *that makes you look fat. The *shirt *just makes you look purple.”
~~Groucho
BtVS:
Buffy: “What are you doing, Spike? 5 words or less.”
Spike: “Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.”
The best has got to be Dennis Hopper to Christopher Walken in True Romance! IMHO.
Would you care to enlighten us?
[
Ah hell, I’ll jump in here.
Walken (sicilian mobster) is questioning Hopper about the whereabouts of Christian Slater. Anyways, Hopper giving him noting, spinning some BS about how he doesnt know where he is. Walken gives him a line, not sure what, about how sicilians are like human lie detectors, they can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. Hopper, who knows that he isnt going to tell Walken where Christian Slater is, and that he’s going to die because of it, decides to go out with style.
Clifford Worley: You’re Sicilian, huh?
Coccotti: Yeah, Sicilian.
Clifford Worley: Ya know, I read a lot. Especially about things… about history. I find that shit fascinating. Here’s a fact I don’t know whether you know or not. Sicilians were spawned by niggers.
Coccotti: Come again?
Clifford Worley: It’s a fact. Yeah. You see, uh, Sicilians have, uh, black blood pumpin’ through their hearts. Hey, no, if eh, if eh, if you don’t believe me, uh, you can look it up. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, uh, you see, uh, the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are niggers.
Coccotti: Yes…
Clifford Worley: So you see, way back then, uh, Sicilians were like, uh, wops from Northern Italy. Ah, they all had blonde hair and blue eyes, but, uh, well, then the Moors moved in there, and uh, well, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin’ with Sicilian women, huh? That they changed the whole bloodline forever. That’s why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin. You know, it’s absolutely amazing to me to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, that, uh, that Sicilians still carry that nigger gene. Now this…
[Coccotti busts out laughing]
Clifford Worley: No, I’m, no, I’m quoting… history. It’s written. It’s a fact, it’s written.
Coccotti: [Laughing] I love this guy.
Clifford Worley: Your ancestors are niggers. Uh-huh.
[Starts laughing, too]
Clifford Worley: Hey. Yeah. And, and your great-great-great-great grandmother fucked a nigger, ho, ho, yeah, and she had a half-nigger kid… now, if that’s a fact, tell me, am I lying?
The best part of this scene is the fact that Spike is counting off each word on his fingers.
I really don’t like Adam Sandler’s films, but the way he got put down in the climax of Billy Madison was pretty memorable.
Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
On a related note:
I was driving home from work one day and the DJ’s on either 94.9 or the KGB in San Diego were talking about when they knew their marriage was over. One DJ said he knew 3 seconds after he said something to his wife during sex. After a few minutes of on air stalling/cajoling he said, “Well she was just laying there like a dead fish, so all of a sudden I blurt out ‘Are you going to do anything? Jesus Christ I’d rather be using my hand.’”
That sounds pretty bad.
You despise me, don’t you Rick?
If I gave you any thought, I probably would.
Yep, stick with the classics, friends:
From The Sound of Music
Captain von Trapp: If the Nazis take over Austria, I have no doubt, Herr Zeller, that you will be the entire trumpet section.
Herr Zeller: You flatter me, Captain.
Captain von Trapp: Oh, how clumsy of me - I meant to accuse you.