Mom: It’s … been a long time … You puss-dripping sack
of double-smoked butt jerky!
For film I always liked this line from Unforgiven which is an insult of a whole state:
Little Bill: It’s been a long time, Bob. You run out of Chinamen?
English Bob: Little Bill, well I thought you was, well I thought that you were dead. I see you’ve shaved your chin whiskers off.
Little Bill: I was tastin’ the soup two hours after I ate it.
English Bob: Well, actually, what I heard was that you fell off your horse, drunk, of course, and that you broke your bloody neck.
Little Bill: I heard that one myself, Bob. Hell, I even thought I was dead till I found out it was just that I was in Nebraska.
Of course theres the immortal line from Tombstone:
Doc Holliday: Why Ike, whatever do you mean? Maybe poker’s just not your game. I know! Let’s have a spelling contest!
“Let me explain the order of things to you. There’s the aristocracy, the upper class, the middle class, working class, dumb animals, waiters, creeping things, head lice, people who eat packet soup, then you.”
"Harith! Ali, does your father still steal? "
"No. Does Auda take me for one of his own bastards? "
"No, there is no resemblance. Alas, you resemble your father. "
"Auda flatters me. "
"You’re easily flattered. I knew your father well. "
"Did you know your own? "
Speaking of insulting an entire state, I remember something Dave Barry wrote that cracked me up. What he said wasn’t that funny, but the delivery was great, putting a totally unexpected punchline in a footnote. He wrote:
…Richard Nixon then went off to live in a state of disgrace.*
Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) of “The Sinatra Group” on SNL to Billy Idol (Sting): “You think you’re tough? I got chunks o’ guys like you in my stool!”
Bette Davis in one of her movies (All About Eve, maybe?): “I’d love to kiss you, darling, but I’ve just washed my hair.”
A tipsy Klingon officer describes Kirk in TOS “The Trouble With Tribbles” as “A swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood.”
The alien leader in TOS “A Taste of Armagaddon” describes his planet’s computerized war, in which people must report to death chambers to keep a real war from breaking out. Spock says, “Fascinating.” The leader says, “I’m glad you approve.” Spock coldly says, “I do not approve. I understand, which is something else entirely.”
Spock puts down the dancing of the crazed Marta in TOS “Whom Gods Destroy” by comparing it to that of Vulcan schoolchildren.
Jamie Lee Curtis to Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda: "“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I’ve known sheep who could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”
The French guard to King Arthur and his knights in Monty Python and the Holy Grail: “I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
Not as bad as calling the Enterprise a garbage scow, though.
The entire quote is even better:
Otto West: Don’t call me stupid.
Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?
Otto West: Apes don’t read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don’t understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not “Every man for himself.” And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
Spock is careful enough to add that the Vulcan kidlets were not so… well coordinated. Modifying the insult about the kind of dancing Marta displayed with such precision makes it an even sharper one, I’d say.
And it just occurred to me now: The Vulcan children Spock was “nostalgic” about must have been very, very, very young indeed since Marta was able to edge them out in the coordination department.
Y’know, I can just see Kirk if the insult were made to his face:
Gee, Mr. Klingon, it sounds like you are about to say something to me that would be insulting…
One of my favorites, though, is the first exchange with Mudd. Mudd calls Kirk a “hard man” as if that would be at least irritating to Kirk.
Kirk has no problem with the choice of words, and merely adds:
“And you’re a liar, Mr. Mudd. I think we understand each other well enough.”
Spoken without any particular vehemence, just a ton of certainty.
Mudd walks off and Kirk merely smiles to himself. Not self-impressed with the cleverness of his retort. Probaly just thinking that that was easy…
