This absolute gem comes from an episode of Designing Women about a gay young man dying of AIDS:
Julia: “Imogene, I’m terribly sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to move your car.”
Imogene: “Why?”
Julia: “Because you’re leaving!”
Imogene: “What are you talking about?”
Julia: “I’m talking about the only thing worse than all these people who have never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you’re exempt from getting it!”
Imogene: “Well, for your information, I am exempt! I haven’t lived like these people! And I don’t care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker! I believe this is God’s punishment for what they’ve done!”
Suzanne: “Oh, yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?”
Imogene: “That is not for me to say! I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!”
Julia: “Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you’re talking to?! I’ve known you for 27 years, and all I can say is, if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, then you would be at the free clinic all the time! And so would the rest of us!”
"Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem. "
As far as weight cracks, some of the best were on Arrested Development from Lucille to her daughter Lindsay (played by the not exactly hefty Portia de Rossi):
[Lindsay breaks the heel of her shoe by stepping in a crack on the sidewalk]
Lindsay: I broke my heel!
Lucille: They’re just heels honey. They can only support so much weight.
[In a restaurant she urges Lindsay to get something lighter]
Lucille: It’s your belt that’s supposed to buckle, not your chair.
[Lindsay and Lucille trying to think of an excuse for why they’re not at a particular restaurant]
Lindsay: Just say… I lost my appetite.
Lucille: Oh who’s going to believe that?
Lucille gives a jewelled elephant pin to her granddaughter and Lindsay is hurt.
Lindsay: That was supposed to be mine!
Lucille: I know. But it’s an elephant and I didn’t want to invite the comparison.
I offer the great “shine box” scene from Goodfellas. See here - the whole scene is great, but the ultimate insult IMO is at about 2:25. Warning: language. (I also love Pesci’s expression when Batts says “Ya little prick, ya!”)
Two and A Half Men: Charlie’s mother has borrowed his car and afterwards he finds a black bra in it. He shows it to his brother Allen, who asks him about who is wearing such a lovely bra.
Charlie: Oh, you know her.
Allen: Really? Why don’t you tell me who it is?
Charlie: Because if I tell you, I can’t untell you.
Allen: What are you talking about?
Charlie: Let me ask you: Who borrowed my car recently?
Allen thinks, then throws the bra across the room: O Sweet Mother of Jesus
Charlie: No, Our Unholy Mother of Satan!
Charlie picks up the bra and puts in the pocket of his burmeau shorts. Their mother comes in and dances around the subject, then asks outright: Loo, I left a $400 black bra in your car and I want it back.
Charlie takes it out of pocket and hands it it her.
Evelyn: Charlie, that is just sick
Yeah, I get the context of the statement in the movie, but… why is being told that you are part Black an insult? Of course, in the movie the fact that it is an insult reflects on the ignorance and racism of those involved in the scene. It seems to me, that in the movie, it is meant to reflect the flaws of the characters more than as an insult. I do not see how having African ancestry should be a shameful thing, rising to the level of insult. I am no more ashamed of my Black blood than I am of my White blood.
The thread was in regard to “best insults”, not "remarks in movies that were framed as insults but where really included to show the ignorance of the speaker.
I don’t mean to be hypersensitive to off-hand remarks, or quibbling over the trivial. Perhaps I am stating this awkwardly or am mistaken. If so, please accept my apologies.
But the remark was there to show the ignorance of the speaker, but rather to show the prejudices of the listeners. The speaker was trying to get himself killed - suicide by goombah, so to spaek - so he tried to get his listeners angry by saying something they would see as insulting. Whether or not he belived it himself was besides the point. He was trying to get a rise out of people by stating opinions he might not neccessarily believe, or in other words, trolling.
Look at it another way: it was an insult because the listeners found it insulting. But then, can’t you say that about any insult?
Scotty (dangerously polite): “Hadn’t you better rephrase that, laddie?”
Klingon: “You’re right. I didn’t mean to say that the Enterprise should be hauling away garbage”. Scotty looks mollified by the apology
Klingon: “… I meant that it should be hauled away as garbage!”
Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I’m “Weekend Update” Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight’s “Point/Counterpoint”. Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you’re going to say: “Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70’s re-embargo. He’s a fighter against Communism.” Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student’s genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you’ll be singing a different tune!
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah’s a jerk, but he’s all we’ve got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf. Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handle, and we’ll see how you’ll feel then! Of course, you’d probably love it, you ignorant slut!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Sherriff Buford T. Justice (Jackie Gleason) in Smokey and the Bandit is full of them:
Buford T. Justice: [to his son] There’s no way, no way that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I’m gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!
Alabama State Trooper: Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock! Buford T. Justice: You som’bitches couldn’t close an umbrella!
“Mirror, Mirror” episode where the crew meet their opposites. Spock: May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous – in every way, splendid examples of homo sapiens. The very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing. Kirk: I’m not sure, but I think we’ve been insulted. McCoy: I’m sure.
I saw exactly one episode of that show, and that was the one! I remember thinking the Straight Guy could have done a helluva lot better than her without really trying.
Attributed to Judge Roy Bean, ordering a hanging, but tragically omitted from the Paul Newman 1972 movie about him:
"Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I command that [the court’s] officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but [the] bare, bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, bloodthirsty, throatcutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch.”
I wouldn’t say there is one line, but this exchange from Good Will Hunting is pretty sharp.
Just part of it:
See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you’re gonna staht doin some thinkin on your own and you’re gonna come up with the fact that there are two certaintees in life. One, don’t do that. And Two, you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin education you coulda got for a dollah fifty in late chahges at the public library
