Toxic Sludge Is Good for Fish (I am not making this up)

The BBQ Pit
1

I am not making this up!

To summarize, the Army Corps of Ingenues has been dumping 200,000 tons of toxic sludge into the Potomac since 1989. (For the metrically afflicted, that’s 200,000 lbs. times 1.56 kilometers per mile = one fuck of a lot of poisonous crap)

So Congress says “WTF? How come the EPA lets them get away with this?”

Answer: the EPA is of the opinion that toxic sludge is good for fish.

I swear! I’m not some fish-hugger making this up!

Toxic sludge is good for fish!!

It can’t get any weirder than this
It can’t get any weirder than this
It can’t…….

http://www.washtimes.com/national/20020619-13558.htm

2

Wow. This is so fucked that even Republicans are attacking the EPA’s weak stance on the environment (see article in OP)

3

Of COURSE it’s good for the fish! It causes the fish to mutate into sentient fish-people with superpowers, allowing them to rise up out of the waters and terrorize and destroy their human oppressors!

I, for one, welcome our new fish overlords and will do all I can to make their total rule of our inferior species as easy as possible.

4

See, this way the fish all develop superpowers, allowing them to elude the fishermen more easily.

5

:eek::confused: :smack: :confused: :smack: :confused:

What the fuck?

:rolleyes::mad:

6

Curse you, SPOOFE. Beat me by one minute, and more wittily put besides.

I guess we all know which one of us is a product of toxic sludge exposure, eh?

7

Can you imagine one of those fishing shows?

“Well, folks, we’re fishing the Potomac off of ol’ Toxic Point here. Now this kind of water requires a special lure. When fishing for lunkers here, I always recommend plutonium…”

8

BY a weird coincidence I just came back from the local op shop with a second hand book entitled Toxic Sluge is Good for You Lies damn Lies and the Public Relations Industry. Chapter 8 is The Sludge hits the Fan about how the WEF attempted to change the image of toxic sludge. I’ve only flicked through it but it looks interesting and pretty funny.

Weird coincidence though.

9

C’mon, Aussie, speak English! “op shop”?

10

IIRC this is an internal EPA matter. Someone in the EPA had previously approved disposing of some poisonous matter into the water. When their decision came to light, the excuse was, "It’s good for the fish, because they’ll swim somewhere else, so they won’t be caught be fishermen.

I don’t know whether to laugh :slight_smile: or cry :frowning: at the idiocy of this excuse.

As to who originally allowed the dumping and who offered the ludicrous excuse, I cannot recall.

11

I think this “toxic sludge” has a bad rap.

If they changed it’s name to “environmental enhancer” maybe we could get somebody to pay them to dump it in.

12

I saw the headline - in those exact words - on the front page of the Washington Times yesterday evening. It is mind-boggling… it would be like saying dumping nuclear waste in Yellowstone would be good for the park’s environment because it would cut down on the number of tourists who visited each year.

Eeesh.

Of course, after reading the legendary Lost Issue of Highway 13, it does make one wonder what sinister plans may be afoot…

13

Would this be taking the lemons and making lemonade, Jim Jones style?

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…gradually FADING IN from black screen WE SEE from a river bank a PASTORAL SCENE ON RIVER. WE HEAR over natural sounds of river as scene FADES IN:

DEEP VOICED ANNOUNCER (off screen): Every year in communities all over America, our natural resources yield a tremendous bounty of aquatic wildlife. [CUE ominous music] But imagine a world where your children’s enjoyment of this bounty is threatened. Imagine a country where these beautiful creatures can be pulled from our streams and rivers without regard for their renewability or for your children’s future! -Hard to imagine?

MUTE ominous music and QUICK CUT to 3 fishermen in rowboat on river from PASTORAL SCENE.

FIRST FISHERMAN (pulling cold beverage from cooler): They’re really bitin’ today!

SECOND FISHERMAN (reeling in line from bent pole): Wooooo hoo!

THIRD FISHERMAN: Beelllchhh!!!

PULL BACK TO DISTANCE

DEEP VOICED ANNOUNCER: Hard to believe? This is America today. Believe it. But there is a solution. From the makers of TVA, los Alamos and the Hoover Dam…

CUT TO STILL SHOT of black drum standing in vaguely green and viscuous, vaguely glowing liquid.

DEEP VOICED ANNOUNCER: It’s Toxio® Environmental Enhancer!

CUT TO CLOSEUP of river bank and gurgling water rushing past. As WE SEE a gradual darkening and vague greening and thickening of water, WE HEAR IN BACKGROUND:

SECOND FISHERMAN: Hey, where’d them fishes go?

PAUSE as WE SEE water start to slow and begin to vaguely bubble…

FIRST FISHERMAN: Anybody else feel a little funny?

CUT TO first PASTORAL SCENE ON RIVER. CUE selection from Handel’s Water Music.

DEEP VOICED ANNOUNCER: Your community can preserve your children’s future!

CUT TO black drum.

NERDY VOICED ANNOUNCER (off screen): With just a little help from the EPA!

FADE IN PASTORAL SCENE ON RIVER for 5 SECONDS and then

FADE OUT

15

Now that you mention it, what is the definition of “toxic sludge”? I mean, this has been thoroughly bureaucrated, it must have defined. The article makes mention of certain standards for said sludge. Does it follow a pattern similar to the Death/Fear Color Code?

Level One: Green, toxic sludge lite, fish become disoriented, puke guts out, attempt to mate with mutant frogs

Level Three: Yellow, toxic sludge medium, window of opportunity for fishermen: 1 hour, time fish begin belly-up floating to time flesh dissolves and skeleton sinks.

Level Five: Red, Godawmighty toxic sludge, first discovered by one-eyed Japanese scientist, used to kill Godzilla. Skeletal remains of fish attempt to mate with skeletal remains of mutant frogs.

They’re gonna kill us all, you know.

16

It gets scary when real life starts following Simpsons’ plotlines. Remember Blinky, the three-eyed superfish?

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Bwah Haahahahahahahaha…!

Whoops! Where’s the supermarket getting it’s fish these days…?

18

Ay caramba! People use that river, too!

I’ve involuntarily swallowed large quantities of the Potomac. It’s a wonderful river for whitewater paddling. The article didn’t say where they were dumping. Hopefully it’s not upstream of the section where people paddle (Great Falls through Little Falls. No, I’ve never run Great Falls.)

19

I have no comment on the topic but,

I’m afraid I don’t understand this formula. What the hell kinda unit is a (lb • Km)/mi?

20

one whooosh = 100 centiwhoosh