RESOLVED:
Long story short, it was just a simple GFCI in a dumb location–WITH A SHELF BUILT OVER IT.
I still have many little things to straighten out now that I’ve traced out this problem, but I pretty much know my electrical system much better now.
But all it was, this whole giant problem, it was another GFCI on the back wall of the garage. But this one was further down–way down, near the corner, not under the breaker box like the others, and THE PREVIOUS OWNERS BUILT SHELVES OVER THE OUTLET SO THE SHELF ITSELF PARTIALLY OBSCURES IT. Literally any item on the shelf blocks it completely from view.
I NEVER knew this outlet existed because it’s blocked by shelving!!!
Resolution came by total coincidence after a whole-ass day of really, really digging in:
I’ve spoken to everyone I knew and we had it figured down to “just finding the dang outlet.”
I decided to dedicate my day to it yesterday–
–made a print out of the breaker box and started correlating known GFCI outlets to KNOWN SWITCHES on the breaker box. I ended up with a “downstairs GFCI” breaker switch but no outlet–I assumed this one the one we needed to find.
-I printed out a floor plan of the house, then mapped the interior walls and mapped every known location of every outlet, marking each TYPE.
-every wall with “no outlet” marked, I moved furniture to search for unknown outlets.
-Furniture that was too big to move, I used my endoscope to inspect if there is an outlet behind it and what type.
I got REALLY EXCITED every time I found a new outlet, but each one was a normal outlet.
I now had a map of all the outlets in the entire house, plus illustrated “gaps” on walls where I didn’t know of an outlet. Through deduction, and considering spacing regulations, I searched these gaps, too. Still no GFCI.
I gave up and left to pick up dinner for the family. It was getting late.
When we got back home, as we were pulling into the garage, I was just spaced out, looking at the edges of the wife’s Xenon Headlights on the wall–the white light bleeds green and purple–when I noticed: HEY IS THAT THE BOTTOM OF AN OUTLET COVER STICKING OUT UNDER THAT SHELVE!!!
I literally jumped from the moving car and moved a bucket on the shelf–there it was. Popped the button–LED came on GREEN–
I ran to plug a lamp into a known-dead socket–EUREKA!!!
I might as well won a lottery, the amount of joy it gave me. HOLY HELL, talk about unwrinkling my brain! AND after a WHOLE DAY of dedicated outlet hunting, to find it by chance!
So–
Now I know my electrical system intimately, and I have a map of all the outlets, and a much clearer (and corrected) idea of the circuits, so I can re-label and put up a map of outlets on the breaker for future generations.
I still will need to unkink some weird kinks: I don’t know why this GFCI exists since the bathroom has its own; I don’t know why the GFCI labeled “FREEZER” has nothing to do with the breaker switch labeled “FREEZER,” which, the freezer switch controls the den’s overhead lights and one wall outlet–did the previous people have a deer-meat freezer in their den??
Obviously I’m relocating the shelf so it doesn’t block the outlet anymore.
I don’t know why those are where they are. The only GFCIs in the whole house are: Two under the breaker box, this bastard one a few feet UP and 10 feet further down on the same garage wall, one in master bath, and one in guest bath.
The “POOL” ground fault only controls the motion light near the pool area–it doesn’t kill the pool pump or that electrical equipment.
I have an electrician I’ve been discussing things with who will probably come fix a lot of this.
For whatever it’s worth, the tone-tracer would have found it, except it’s on the main breaker wall where literally every wire in the house meets, so of course the tone tracer made mad-noise all over the back wall.
I’m a very happy boy!