See! Men & women do speak different languages lol
I feel better as well.
Pixilated’s SO? Wow … I can’t imagine ever posting a relationship question on a message board that my SO is a member of. 
That’s kind of how I am, too. My SO and I have been together for 15 months and will be living together as of the end of May, and I really think he could be “the one” for me. But still, when I talk about our future I sometimes say things like “If you don’t dump me/I don’t dump you…” or “If the living together works out…” I just see living together as the truest test of any relationship (that and traveling together, which we’ve already done), and until we make it through, say, baseball season I’ll have a tiny asterisk next to our future together-ness.
Why not? Sometimes an extra set of eyes and words are what one needs. And this way, we both get female and male point of views from intelligent people & heck, we can tease eachother about this stuff.
It means “I like you and this relationship is ok, but it’s not immediately clear to me that you are the one I want to be with forever, or for that matter, if such a person even exists for me”.
Male, here. I think it was probably meant literally. That is, such and such will whatever, if things work out between the two of you. It doesn’t have to suggest that things won’t work out, or that they will.
In the case of romances, “working out” (lasting a lifetime) is hardly something you can just assume. Their success rate leaves them pretty much unpredictable.
I have to wonder if this very reasonable qualifier spoken by a male is an example of language use and sensitivity consistent with the stereotype about male and female skills in those things. I might have said the same thing, but if I had been able to read this thread before doing so I would not have. I see the tension in the phrase, but don’t understand why it’s there. I only see its literal content and, for some reason I’ll probably never get, extra tension. Even after having spent most of my life living with wives and girlfriends.
“If things work out between us…”
It’s simply a statement of reality. “I’ll wash the car tomorrow unless it rains.” There’s not much more to it. Just the way it is. No hidden meanings. I wouldn’t over-think it.
I think that statement is an excellent example of how men and women think differently. I can see where it would be a simple statement of reality for the guy, but it comes across as something I wouldn’t particularly want to hear from a guy. My reaction to that statement is something like, “You think there are problems in our relationship? Why wouldn’t things work out?” And I’m a pretty atypical, non-crazy female, too.
I just caught this part and it gave me an even deeper level of understanding. And a laugh. My guy’s a programmer too.
It all makes sense now. Maybe I need to learn to phrase requests and questions in computer-speak in order to get straight answers?
I hope women will understand what I’m about to write. Legend and experience has taught many of us that we’ll never understand women, so there’s always a possibility of a man’s ruining everything without realizing what his grand sin was. With that in mind, many a man sees a happy relationship as something that can’t really be happening. He’ll think, “I am surely not charming, intelligent, or desirable enough for this classy dame to want to spend the rest of her life with me. She’ll come to her senses one of these days, and she’ll leave me in the dust.”
So, when he says, “if things work out between us,” he’s not insulting you. He’s only thinking he’s in a precarious spot.
I translate it as meaning “As long as I don’t find out you’re crazy and/or insanely jealous or have some habit I can’t live with…”
Men have to keep contingency plans in our heads, it’s part of the survival instinct.
You guys just moved in together, right? Major changes in the relationship like that make anyone feel uncertain. There’s an adjustment period where you find out how you fit the new person into your life. He’s rearranging his living space to accommodate you and your daughter; that’s another big adjustment. He’s going to slowly find out about all the things you do that you don’t even notice you do. He has to figure out if he can live with those things, or if you can live with his quirks.
During a transition period relationships are more unstable, and if he’s realistic or has lived with someone before he knows that there’s a possibility that one or both of you will find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought you were. All the commitment in the world won’t help if you start making each other miserable because of basic incompatibilities you can’t compromise on that you didn’t discover before the move. It will take some time to test out the new living situation and make sure that it’s going to work.
Believe me, he’s committed to the relationship. If he had reservations he wouldn’t have asked you to move in, wouldn’t be turning his routine upside down for you, and sure as heck wouldn’t be making room for both you and your daughter in his place.