We are going to a friends wedding that is outside of the US next year. At that time our children will have just turned 2 and 6 respectively.
The 2 year old will basically get nothing out of the trip other than a lot of time zone shifting, long air flights, schedule disruption, etc.
The 6 year old would probably have a blast, and get a great “life experience” as well.
The question is, do we bring the kids or not, and if so, do we bring both?
The older child would be completely furious if she was left behind, even though she would have fun at her grand parents. She knows and likes the people getting married, is really into brides and weddings (as apparently many little girls are) and also (unfortunately) knows that they have horses at the “family home” where the wedding will be. So big exciting trip to go see a huge fancy wedding and ride horses, not going to be an easy sell to leave her behind.
If the trip was now, we could leave the baby with G-Ma and G-Pa no sweat, but at 2 she might be too aware of the fact that she is being left out of somethign special as well as being left behind. Anyone know if there is a “cut off” age for this kind of thing?
The Airfare is not cheap, so its financially signifcant if we bring them or leave them.
My wife and I have our opinions about it, but I would like to hear what others think.
Here’s my opinion. As the father of a two-year-old, bringing him along with us would enhance my own enjoyment of the trip, over and above any benefit to him. I would miss him if he wasn’t there. It’s also a good bonding experience for the four of you, as a family, doing something fun (and he’ll have fun, even if he can’t retain the memories). I say, if you can afford it, bring them both.
Tons of factors involved, including - off the top of my head:
Are kids invited to the wedding?
How large will the wedding be?
How long will your trip be - just a couple of days for the wedding, or longer?
How much $ do you have?
Short answer - IMO little kids add little and potentially detract much from most formal weddings. May be different since it is at their home. At most weddings I’ve been to, the couple are plenty busy to not have to worry about invitees’ kids riding their horses…
I recommend being selfish - honestly decide whether having the kids along will add to or detract from the experience for you and your spouse. If your decision is that you would have a better time without them and would rather spend the money elsewhere, then leave them with granny and gramps, and bring them back some nice gifts. They’ll get over it.
Yeah, definately not a GQ, can only be an opinion but for what mine is worth…
Don’t underestimate how much a two year old will remember. I have quite a lot of very clear memories from round about two years old and a whole host more vague ones that get pieced together when someone else talks about them. If nothing else it means i do have something to chip in to family ‘remember the time we…’ conversations.
Also, way out there on the whole child phsycology WAGing on my part, but i suspect that not having clear memories of something doesn’t mean that they get nothing out of an experience. Difficult to quantify of course but just maybe it will end up contributing something to her character in the long term? You never know.
Full disclosure: I have no kids and no plans for any.
First, do you know for a fact that your children will specifically be invited to the wedding? You may be assuming facts not in evidence. I know a parent or two who feel that their little darlings must always be welcome at every event, whether that’s true or not. There have been unpleasant scenes because of it. (I’m not saying that you would make one.)
Second (and keeping these same children I know in mind), it might also be a good experience for your children to understand that they won’t always get included in everything in life. This includes not only adult-oriented events, but other kids’ parties. And it happens to adults too. We don’t always get everything we want. But we make the most of what we do get, and if it’s time with Grandma and Grandpa, well, that’s not so bad, is it?
It sounds like you’re learning toward bring the 6-year-old and leaving the 2-year-old. I don’t see anything wrong with that (assuming that children are invited). Do what you think would be best and what you can deal with travelling.
While it might possibly benefit the two year old to go on the trip, I really can’t imagine it being harmful to stay with Grandma and Grampa at that age. The international travel itself will not be a picnic with a 2 year old, and other travelers will be annoyed by any meltdowns. Keeping an entire plane awake on the overnight flight to Europe is really not a small amount of rudeness. Personally, I can’t imagine taking a 2 year old on that kind of a trip unless it was absolutely necessary (like medically, or we were moving overseas). And I could go either way on the six year old. It sounds like she would really enjoy it, but life is not all castles and ponies either, and many, many families can’t take their kids on that kind of trip. I don’t think you should feel guilty about leaving either of them at home. If you bring the two year old, I think you should really think things through.
This would be my perspective as well. The best memory of our family’s recent trip to England was that it was a family trip. If you can swing it otherwise, I’d think strongly about taking all 4 of you. Good luck.
If your 2 year old has stayed with his grandparents and enjoys it, he might get a lot out of that, more than the trip. It can be very nice for a child to have a bit of time with no sibling around. I remember fondly the times I got to spend with my grandparents with no sibling around. You can sell it to the two year old as a special treat and it may well be.
One of those times was when I went to a wedding with my grandmother when I was about six. It was fabulous and I had a great time. The ceremony and the dresses and even the reception made a great impression on me.
Leave the kids with the grandparents. When they are in their 20’s and 30’s it will be better for them to have more memories of time spent with their grandparents who may or may not be around anymore. I really wish I had been given the opportunity to spend more time with my great grandma and grandpa before they died, and I know I will miss the hell out of my grandparents when they pass on. Why not give them that opportunity to spend some extra time with family?
Also, if I were the bride and you brought a six year old (that is pissed because she is in a stiff dress and not riding a horse) and a two year old (that is crying and cranky because they have been on an international flight and are hungry and tired) to my wedding, my bridesmaids would have to physically hold me back to keep me from pummeling your ass in my Chanel gown. Don’t force little kids on a grownup event, often it doesn’t work out well and leads to some of their most embarrassing memories later.
Unless you are planning to take some extra days before or after the wedding when you can spend time on your own as a family, I recommend leaving the kids to have fun at the G-parents’ place, and just the two of you go and enjoy some adult time. As much as six-year-olds love brides, a wedding can be a long day for little ones, and unless you have a sitter who can take the kid(s) back to the hotel when they start getting tired, or when the adult drinking and dining start, you are going to be missing a significant amount of the wedding. Especially if the two-year-old comes along. Depending on the venue for the wedding in relation to where you are staying, you may have to leave the wedding early. There will be more weddings in your children’s lives, closer to home.
As much as I love my kids, and like spending time with them, it is also important to have couple time when they are nowhere around. Many couples would kill for an opportunity to leave the kiddies somewhere safe and fun for a few days and spend time together and with other adults. It doesn’t mean you love your kids less than the couple who brings the kids with…it just means you also value the relationship with your spouse, and that needs as much nuturing and attention as a two-year-old. And weddings are so romantic! A great time to relive your own wedding passion!
So I vote for leaving them behind this time. You are not abandoning them, or denying them the only opportunity they will ever have to see bridal gowns and horsies. You are making your presence at the wedding less stressful for everyone, from the bride to the baby. And don’t forget the possibility of hot sex with your spouse!
I agree with those who recommend first you check to be sure the kids are actually welcome at the wedding. And quite frankly, I wouldn’t worry too much if the kids are mad because they didn’t get to go. You’re the parents. It’s your job to make the decisions. And wouldn’t it be nice to have a little time together just the two of you? My parents used to go away together frequently. We kids never felt they loved us any less because of it.
We took a 2 1/2 year old on a month-long trip to Europe (so admittedly she had 6 months on your daughter). She loved every minute of it, including the airport, flights, etc. She took everything in stride, even the long days of travel when the adults were feeling frazzled.
We made her a photo album before we went, showing her the places and people she would see, then made another photo album for her throughout the trip. She is a great traveler, though, and it is important to us to cultivate that in her.
She’s almost 4 now, and she still talks about that trip, and tells hubby and I to work more so we can pay for another vacation (she used to just keep asking for another vacation until I explained about the work-money thing).
Yeah, I’m gonna second what everyone else said about making sure the kids are invited. My friend specifically put that children were not to come to the reception for her wedding on the invitation - pissing off a great deal of her in-laws (She’s German, he’s Hispanic - For some reason every Hispanic wedding I’ve been to is expected to be some sort of babysitting event), but getting the point across. Only the flower girl and the ringbearer were allowed.
Thing is, a lot of people don’t think to add that to the invitation. So check. Also keep in mind that a cross-continental flight with a toddler is going to be a lot more exhausting than the actual travel planning, vacation, or wedding. And you will likely wind up with an entire plane pissed off at you.
They are expected to be family events. Because that is what a Latino wedding is; an event to be celebrated by the family. And when we use the word family, we include children. Also old people.
I would take both or neither. However, I very consciously have made the decision to raise my children in a particular way, that is, with an emphaisis on family – both immediate and extended – and with an emphasis on doing things together and for each other and with each other. I hope my children love each other, but that is not my job. It is my job to teach them to look out for each other and look after each other, to go to some trouble for family and to see their family to go to some trouble for them.
I have some friends who are raising their children in a different way, with the emphasis much more strongly on each child as a seperate individual. I expect that they might choose differently.
So I would say it depends on what kind of outlook on relationships you want to foster within your family.
