My parents had several events where they left us with relatives or friends, and I never recall feeling “abandoned”. We knew the people we were with, we knew their rules, their rules were different enough from ours to be fun but not so much to be “complicated” and, if it was with friends, there were other kids there (usually of an age somewhere between me and the Bros, which was nice). Sometimes we got split; once I was 8 and deemed “old enough to take care of myself” I would stay at home while the Bros went to a friend’s. I could make my own breakfast and dinner by then; for lunch I could choose between joining the friends or heating something but I had to let them know in any case (which I now realize was also a way to make sure I was keeping myself alive :p)
Nth “ask whether they’ll be welcomed/are expected”. If the answer is “yes” and the trip will not be a “flash trip” where you spend more time in transit than in the actual location, then it may be good to bring one or both of them.
I’m not a parent so I can only offer peripheral advice:
transatlantic flights are tough for small kids (cabin air quality + pressure, restricted room, boredom, other passengers complaining) and are not cheap
I once entertained two small bored children at a wedding for an hour (where it had rained and there was no weather planning). OK, I’m a teacher and I got lots of thanks, but it was embarrassing for the parents
grandparents usually love seeing their grandchildren
Toss me in with the 'Take ‘em if they’re invited crowd’. Of course, if they weren’t I’m the sort that wouldn’t go in the first place. Lady Chance, I and the kids are a team and do most everything together. I find that I resent events that take me away from the girls (mine are two and six, respectively) and I don’t enjoy them much.
Then again, I’ve never gotten the whole ‘parents need some time away’ thing, either. Lady Chance and I tallied this up recently and since we’ve become parents we’ve done that fewer than 10 times and never more than for a few hours. It’s not protectiveness…it’s the fact that being with and interacting with the kids is something we enjoy more than pretty much anything else.
Oh, and I’ll be doing the traveling to Europe thing with the kids come March. Holland for us with my in-laws for my M-i-Ls 75th birthday. Should be fun.
As for this:
Hell, that isn’t just for kids. God, there’s little in the world more boring than a wedding. I could feel just as happy for some pals getting married by sending a present and going to dinner with the down the line for some personal interaction than being a spectator at some event. Urf, I could think of better ways to spend my time.
I’ll throw in something that hasn’t been covered (I think). Do you have any experience with jet lag and toddlers and 6 year olds?
Ya probably don’t if you’re even thinking about this. I travelled about 20 hours transit time and 15 hours time difference this summer with twins 18 months and a 6 year old. To my brother’s place with absolutely no schedule, privacy and willing baby sitters. 6 year old is used to travelling - she just stayed up ALL night watching videos and eating junk food. The twins were up at different times but figure at least 3-4 hours each.
You simply are not going to sleep. You’re doing stuff in the day, and the kids will be up at night. the 2 year old will demand to be entertained. And both your kids are going to be cranky at times during the day with jetlag, and collapse exhausted long after you think they should be out.
We’ve taken vacations back home to the US every year, including my oldest at 13 months and the twins at 8 months. We are 99% sure of skipping this coming summer. We simply can’t handle the jet lag as a family. Both China wife and myself have a torturous time although the time home with the kids is priceless.
I’d leave them with the grandparents. Of course your daughter is going to think she wants to go with you. It sounds really exciting, and the reality of long flights and jet lag and boring ceremonies just doesn’t compute. There will be other weddings closer to home.
Staying with the grandparents is hardly a punishment. My parents left me with my grandparents for a month every summer, and I have fantastic memories. It never even occurred to me that my parents might be dropping us off to have some alone time. No one ever made me feel more special than my grandmother.
So I guess I suck at OPing, I should have made it clear that the kids are invited, and relevant to some of the posts it is in a Latin American country, and I am told at least a few children will be there.
I also should have made it clear that the “Abandoning” part was tongue in cheek, I know that a week at their grandparents will not scar them for life. I won’t feel guilty leaving them (will miss them terribly though), I just want to do what makes sense. As my wife and I disagree, I thought the geniuses on this board might give some food for thought (which you have, thanks). The travelling piece is key, because if we get there pissed and exhausted, and the kids won’t sleep, etc. then we will have to sell the children, which is frowned upon.
For the record, I want to bring both, or at least the 6 year old, and my wife wants to leave them with G-Ma and G-Pa. (for bonus dollars guess which one of us works outside the home and sees less of the kids)
I don’t have kids, but I was one myself…in that situation I’d be inclined to say “all or nothing” to the kids. Either you take both of them or you take neither.
We go out and leave our 8 year old home alone but take his little sister with us all the time. I should mention that he is furry and walks on four legs though so he isn’t welcome everywhere.
With two human children I would have to agree though. I would lean towards leaving them with the grandparents. Latin American countries will always be there, but the grandparents will not. Wait another 4 or 5 years for a trip overseas with the whole family. Your then 10-11 year old shouldn’t hate you yet and your 5-6 year old will be a better traveler and should appreciate the trip more.
I have a two year old and a five year old. For the love of all that is holy, leave the kids with the grandparents and romance your wife. The fact that she is specifically asking for that tells me that taking the kids could set up some resentment.
It’s OK to want to be away from them once in a while. She’s asking for a break. Give her one.
Really, this is by far the most relevant piece of information you’ve provided. If your wife wants this to be a kid-free vacation (you said it’s for a week, right?), make it a kid-free vacation. She’s fearing that this won’t be a vacation at all, it’ll be “parenting elsewhere”, and she’s completely right. Not that you can’t have a nice vacation with kids, but then it’s all about the kids, not you.
I said up above that I would take the kids. But if my wife (who stays home) wanted a break from the kids, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to let them spend a week with their grandparents. So I guess with the additional information you’ve provided, I’ve changed my answer.
Absolutely take advantage of this great opportunity for a romantic getaway with your wife! What are you thinking, man?!
Seriously, traveling with little kids sucks. Especially if you have grown up events you’re supposed to be focusing on. And you know, deep down in your heart, that when the kids are cranky and demanding and need their needs attended to, they are going to go bug your wife 9 times out of 10, simply because they’re used to asking her for stuff.
If you bring them, you’re the only one who’s getting a vacation. The kids will be cranky, you wife will be exhausted, and the bridal couple will be put out.
Leave the kids with their grandparents, who will be pleased as punch, the kids will have a blast, your wife gets some time off and you will love having your wife focus all her energy and ahem attention on you for a whole week.
Just don’t tell the older one that you’re going to where the horses are. There’s no need, and it’ll make it harder. Tell her it’s a special vacation for you and Mommy while she and her sister have a special vacation at the Grandparents’.
I AM a parent, and a stay at home mom of a toddler and an older kid, so consider me the voice of your wife, dammit!
If your wife wants a kid-free vacation, then that’s what she gets. As has been said above, she is the one who will be taking on the brunt of the kid-burden and is the one who probably needs a vacation. As a SAHM of a 6 and 3-yo, I am telling you right now that you had better listen to her. You should have mentioned this in the first place!
And, if you’re the one who works outside the home, sees less of the kids, and wants more time with them, there is a very simple solution: next time you have a few days of vacation available, take some time off and send your wife on a road trip–or take the kids on a daddy/kid camping trip. Ta-da! You’ve given your wife a break, given your kids wonderful memories, and earned brownie points all 'round!
I agree with everyone else now, LEAVE THE KIDS WITH THE GRANDPARENTS. Give your wife what she’s asking for. This is an incredible opportunity to reinvigorate your relationship. (Even if it’s going very well now, additional booster shots never hurt.) Take the opportunity to romance your wife day and night. Look lovingly into her eyes and whisper the vows to her as the other couple speaks them. Have lots and lots of loud athletic sex without the worry of waking up the kids or them walking in.
As a working mother I know how you feel about missing so much time away from the kids. Especially the 2 yr old (I have one myself) - they learn something new everyday and the time just seems to fly by. Can you take a day or two off from work before and after the trip to spend with the kids by yourself? Maybe one of those days you could find a local place where the 6 yr old could go see/ride a horse so she won’t feel like she’s missing that aspect of the trip?
