I need a vacation! I have decided to leave my 2 year old daughter with my fiance (her father), and take the train to Delaware to stay with my best friend until August. My mother AND my future mother-in-law are guilt tripping me about leaving my daughter for so long. Should I come back sooner? I haven’t had a real vacation in five years and I haven’t ever been away from my daughter for more than a weekend at a time.
I guess the real dilemma is: which need is greater; my daughter’s need to have me near all summer or my need to have just one summer to myself before having two children (a new one is coming in October) makes this kind of trip impossible?
Of course not. Everyone needs a little vacation now and again. It’s not like you’re leaving her with a dog and expecting the dog to babysit. You’re leavin her with her father. It will be a time for them to bond. Dont let what other people are sayin get to you. You go and have fun. Let your fiancee and your daughter have a chance to connect.
I don’t think you are a bad mom, but then again I don’t have children. It does seem like a long time, but the best mothers are the happiest. Of course, I’m thinking that it might scare or traumatize your daughter. If my mom had done that to me, I would have flipped out, even if I was young, I used to cry when she left me for two minutes. When I was four and in kindergarten, I would cry for an hour after she left for work each day.
Maybe just for a month? I can just see her having issues as an adult with her friends because she thinks everyone she loves is going to leave her. I did a study for Psych about how having parents in prison fucks up the kids, and this might be similar, just self-imposed. Especially if you visit, I can just imagine her crying, “why are you leaving me mommy?” Next step, psychotherapy.
Just a thought.
You are definitely not a bad mom. I never left my son until he was 7 and I thought I was bad, but when I returned I was refreshed and enjoyed him so much and realized how much I missed him. He goes with his dad for two weeks every summer, and altho its hard because I miss him, it gives me time to regenerate as well.
The best mom is one who has some time to herself, something we don’t always give ourselves.
Well, I will be calling her on the phone and writing her little letters and sending her photos. Maybe I’ll cut the trip short by a month. After I this, I will probably never be leaving her again for so long for the rest of her natural life.
I am enormously comforted by the realization that she can have the time to bond with her father. They are going to love having the house to themselves! It will be a nice treat for her before the new baby comes and she has to share the stage with another primadonna (cause god knows she is one).
Depends on the kid, but at two thats a pretty long period…how does she do when you take those two days off? Does she have seperation anxiety? If not, I don’t see why you can’t go on vacation.
I checked my magic 8 ball and it said you weren’t.
Still, that is an awful long time for a kid to be without a mother. When I was younger and I occasionally had to go without a parent for a week or so (they had meetings) I could deal with it fine-but a month or more? That seems excessive.
Ok, that’s almost 2 months…that’s a little excessive…I’d be pretty pissed if I couldn’t see my mom for almost 2 months, and I’m not a 2 year old. The reasoning behind it maybe good, but I still think it might be too much…I dunno, maybe you could stay with your friend for 3 weeks, come back for a few days ,then go out for another 3 weeks? I dunno, that might not work for whatever reason, but 2 months is almost 10% of your child’s life…
I don’t think you are a bad mother, Sweet_Lotus. God knows, having three kids born in four years, I understand the need for a vacation.
However, I really would re-think making it more than a month. A two year old really can’t understand when you or her father explains to her that Mommy is coming back, all she knows is that you are gone, and a whole summer is a life-time at that age.
I think I’ll be away for five or six weeks. My little girl does very well when I’m away. It’s scary how little seperation anxiety she has.
You are not a bad mother. Don’t let anyone make you feel like that. Not everyone Mom out there is as fortunate as you to be able to afford (time and monetary wise) a break like that and be able to trust someone so much to watch your little one for so long. I am a HUGE proponent of the MOOCH off the Friends and Family Travel Program!
Take as long as you need. Chances are you will be bored from inactivity without having a toddler around to chase and just might get into your best friends hair ( and vice versa) before August arrives.
The next time you get to go off by yourself ( Which just may be never.) you will have two children ( or more) to fob off on Daddy and/or relatives. It’s harder then,because the guilt factor of " My kids are going to wear out Grandma and make her house all sticky" is greater than “Will my child need phsycotherapy in the future because Mommy needed a break.”
(The answer is “Yes” to the physcotherapy, but not on Mommy recharging her batteries, it will be over you being a fuddy-duddy and hating your kid’s loud and obnoxious music.)
FTR, I am in the same shoes you are, well, I was just there. My son just turned two last month and my daughter is nearing 4 months old. When I was 7.5 months pregnant, my husband took me on a trip to England. We left our son at my Mother In Laws for 9 days. Everyone asked me if I missed him or how could I leave my baby for nine days. I just looked at them and said, " He’s loves being at his Grandma’s so much he won’t even know I am gone." I had a fantastic trip and my son and almost daughter received a bunch of great gifts that they will receive over the course of their lives. (I plan ahead, I mean, the UK just might disappear one day!) The only thing I missed developmental-wise (sp?) while I was gone was that he learned to say " Moo." Now, he *sees * elephants everywhere, so what you miss for one thing, they make up for in something else in spades.
Your daughter will learn ALOT about Daddy while you are away (Like how to push his buttons) and your almost-husband will APPRECIATE you 1000 times more now than ever before. Understanding toddler-speak and keeping up with the mood swings and crack-like energy levels will wear him out quickly. ( But you knew this already.)
Your daughter will never remember you going away for a few weeks IN THE LONG RUN, but she may chatter on about in for the first few weeks after you get back. Don’t worry and go and have a great time.
[Raving Sidebar]
Those who say that they could never ever ever ever leave their children for a day really frighten me. And I’m not talking about parents of sick children ( that’s different). These people to me are emotionally immature and cannot sever the umbilical cord. Suffocating their children in their own fears of the “Outside” world or whatever boogieman haunts their neurosis du jour. Thus, IMHO, creating a child that is dependant on them for everything. Children need time away from their parents to help them see how other people/families interact.Thus concluding my arm chair quarterback prognosis. I now return to you to your regularly scheduled thread. [/rave]
If anyone gives you a hard time, tell them Shirley gave you the a-ok.
Another long winded thread…sponsored by Preparation H.
Well, I read the post and I don’t necessarily think you are a bad parent for wanting some time to yourself and a vacation. I do however, as a mom of a 6 year old think that all summer is WAY too long to be gone. A two year old is still very dependant on the parent. I doubt she will understand what a vacation is… all she will know is that your gone. Maybe cut it down to a few weeks? MAYBE a month if she doesn’t react badly to your being gone. Call her every day and tell her you love her… maybe send her a gift or two in the mail as a surprise for her… Reassure her you will be back soon and have whoever she is staying with show her lots of love and attention.
I only have one girl… but I would be assuming that you would want to spend quality time alone with her, shower her with a bit more attention, especially seeing how another will be coming along shortly and you will have to split your time between the two. Once the second one comes you might have regrets you didn’t take advantage. Just my humble opinon 
The fact that your worried about your child and her feelings alone makes you a good parent
When my dsughter was 2 I spent 2 weeks in Singapore. Needed it, and it was FREE! I say take a vacation, but 6 weeks sounds excessive. (Sorry, but you asked)A few weeks, ok, the summer, probably still ok, but I wouldn’t.
I have decided to stay away for at least three weeks, and absolutely no longer than six, no matter what, even if I have to walk the 700 miles to get home.
I’m going to call my girl every night. I’ll even send her a video postcard or two (or three, or four…).
I am also going to talk to my fiance every night to check up on how she is doing and measure her anxiety level (which is directly proportional to how much she eats and how often she climbs into bed with us).
And God, I am going to miss her. But I need this vacation so badly…
Alright! Enjoy it!
Alright! Enjoy it!
August? AUGUST? yes, you are a bad mom. if you follow through on this. Jesus christ. Going away for a week or two is one thing, but the entire summer? You shouldn’t have had a kid if you wanted to run off for months at a time. At least take the kid with you if you feel the need to run off for months at a time.
This is a fine time frame. And you are NOT a bad mother for needing that time - I didn’t get it, and I came this close to breaking down before we stuck BOTH kids in daycare. You don’t want to go there.
A word on preparations:
You said you had another coming in October? Be aware that, wherever you go, you will probably need to see a doctor at least once while you’re gone. You also want to be sure that there is a hospital nearby that you can reach in an emergency - just in case. Nothing will happen, in all likelihood, but being prepared never made anyone regret that I’m aware of. Make sure you will be able to get plenty to eat, and not just grease. You want this to be a vacation, not an annoyance. grin
And don’t overdo the calls either - if you find yourself too busy one night, don’t kill yourself over it. Remember, this is a vacation from worrying about her, not a chance to do it in another place.
Have fun.
-Elthia
I babysat a three year old boy before & 5 minutes after we were alone he would start screaming for this mother. Okay, flash forward to 2000, the kid is almost 14, hasn’t been around here to see her for a few months & when she calls him, he says ‘mother, stay the fuck away.’ Kids…
I have no idea if you’re a bad mom because I don’t know how you parent, haven’t seen you in action.
I would say that leaving your child for 3-6 weeks is a bit of an indicator though. Every parent needs a break, but I would say that more than 2 weeks is pushing it.