Am I a bad mother?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Like I said, this is my only chance to do this, and I’m never going to do it again. After this, I’ll be lucky if I get a weekend away from my kid(s). Some of the later posts make it sound like this is routine. Well, it’s not. I have never left my daughter for even a week, and I never will again.
When I had my daughter, the whole Cosmos shifted (for the better). She comes first, always. But soon I will have a baby in diapers (and Lola potty-training beautifully), and I need time away. Just this once. I’m starting to think that maybe even a three-week vacation is too much to ask.

Elthia - there is a hospital that is a 10-minute drive away from where I am staying. And I my best friend is also expecting, so we’ll remind each other to have avocado instead of french fries! :smiley:

22

I’m not going to say you’re a ‘bad mother’ because there isn’t enough evidence to support that. However, I would have to say that leaving a small child for 6 weeks or more on the basis of “needing a vacation” is a foolish choice. My husband is in the military and has had to take several long deployments in the course of his career. One of the things they warn military parents about regarding these separations is that small children have a loose concept of time. 6 weeks or 2 months is an eternity to a small child. When a parent returns from such a separation, the kid is often distant and the parent-child relationship nearly always has to be rebuilt. The amount of time it takes to rebuild is directly related to the length of separation. This is all difficult enough when the separation was involuntary – I’d hate like hell to go through it because of a vacation.

Another thing. Lets leave the kid out of it entirely and look at your relationship with your fiance. Apparently you are having a family and planning a life together – surely going off on your own for two months is not a move towards strengthening your relationship. Going back to my Navy experience of separations – a 6 week or 2 month separation is stressful, even when it is involuntary. I would be resentful in the extreme if my husband choose to leave me alone with the kids for a summer so he could take a ‘break.’

In short, I don’t recommend your plan. If you take a 1 or 2 week vacation away from your family no reasonable person could condemn you. Any more than that is foolish and could have severe repercussions on your relationship with your children and their dad.

23

Don’t worry about a thing. Me and your husband got everything under control.

You got a decent helmet for the tyke, right?

24

Not everyone has the same type of relationship. I’m not doing this no matter what my fiance says. I was invited, and I wasn’t going to go, but he volunteered to take care of our girl.

25

about such a long time (3 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 months)? Has that been discussed yet?

Several posters have given you the reassurance that you seek that you’re not a bad mother for this, but I’m not too sure that you’re not putting your own “wants” ahead of your child’s “needs.”

If a professional (doctor, child psychologist, etc.) says that no lasting harm would come, then I suppose it wouldn’t matter.

26

I’m not quite sure what to say. As a mother, I could never leave my kids for longer than a week but that’s just me. I understand needing a break but 6 weeks seems like an eternity to me!

My daughter had just turned 2 when my son was born and I had to stay in the hospital for 5 days due to some minor complications. She stayed with my brother and sister-in-law during that time and they brought her to visit me every night but by the 3rd day apart from me she was crying every time it was time to leave. When I finally did come home, she would cry every time she saw Aunt Kimmer because she thought she was going to have to stay with her again. It took about awhile before she got over this.

I know that when my ex-husband takes our daughter for the weekend… I’m somewhat relieved. When we first seperated and got divorced he would pick her up for a couple of hours every Saturday but he wouldn’t keep her overnight or for the weekend. He now picks her up every other weekend and she loves it. She is 2 1/2 and can really stress me out sometimes. But I find that I have a greater appreciation of the little (somewhat irritating) things that she does and I have a lot more patientce with her after she’s been gone for the weekend. It also gives me a chance to spend some time alone with my son.

I can totally understand your need to get away and take a vacation but I wouldn’t be gone for more than 2-3 weeks. Kids are pretty resilient though… they can bounce back from seperations better than you think. Even though she probably won’t remember you being gone it will be a hard thing for her to go through at this age.

You need to do what you think is right and what you think is best for the child! Good luck!

27

I didn’t mention this before, because I didn’t want to admit it, but my daughter is way more attached to her father than she is to me (even though I spend every day with her).
She is fine with the routine of him going to work every day, but when he is gone on weekends (he’s a Union representative and has to travel sometimes) she cries and cries all through the first day he is away, and then again at bedtime every night he’s away because he can’t tuck her in.
When I’m going away, she kisses and hugs me, says; “Bub-bye Mommy,” and, other than asking; “When is Mommy coming home again?” every night at supper, doesn’t trouble herself at all.
I’m getting more attached to the idea of going away for three weeks and then coming home. God knows, I will miss her.

28

I didn’t mention this before, because I didn’t want to admit it, but my daughter is way more attached to her father than she is to me (even though I spend every day with her).
She is fine with the routine of him going to work every day, but when he is gone on weekends (he’s a Union representative and has to travel sometimes) she cries and cries all through the first day he is away, and then again at bedtime every night he’s away because he can’t tuck her in.
When I’m going away, she kisses and hugs me, says; “Bub-bye Mommy,” and, other than asking; “When is Mommy coming home again?” every night at supper, doesn’t trouble herself at all.
I’m getting more attached to the idea of going away for three weeks and then coming home. God knows, I will miss her.

29

Again, I don’t have kids so I am not speaking from experiance. BUT…

You said that you will not have a break from your kids for the rest of your natural born life. Babysitters, anyone? I remember my mom and dad taking weekends off and leaving my older brother and I with my grandma. They came back after two days very happy and content. Also, once the kids are older (14-16) you can leave them by themselves for a night and have a romantic evening with the hubby. And in 16 short years, college will come about and you will lose a large stake of your children because they will be off making their own lives.

I mentioned this to my mom and she says she is sorry she didn’t cherish every minute she had with us moe because we grew up so fast.

As for the comment about saying, “fuck you, Mom,” I was never so disrespectful, and my mom is my best friend now, but for about 4 years (ages 12-16) I thought her goal in life was to make me miserable and we had maybe two conversations. So maybe you should cherish this time with your little girl before she starts to wear makeup and date and doesn’t wany anything to do with you.

Two weeks, sure. But 6 weeks just seems ridiculous. It’s a child, not a pet.

30

“I guess the real dilemma is: which need is greater; my daughter’s need to have me near all summer or my need to have just one summer to myself before having two children (a new one is coming in October) makes this kind of trip impossible?”

it seems both needs are equal…however, who is more equipped to deal with the separation?? i don’t know you nor your daughter but i would think that as adults we are able to deal and cope with stress and trauma…

believe me, as a father of 3 young boys, i know the need for some time alone…

you obviously are a good mother otherwise you wouldn’t have posted your question…

i’m sure you will make the right decision

31

I’m not a parent, so some will probably say that my opinion counts for squat, but I will say this much:

I’ve known several cases (and I’m sure that posters can think of more) where a father left his young children (under two years of age) for two months or more for career reasons or other reasons, and I never heard the people involved say “He’s a bad father.” So isn’t there some prejudice here if a father can leave his children for two months, but not the mother?

I’m also not sure I agree with the attitude “it would be OK to leave your childr if you had a job, but not if you’re going on vacation.” What makes a job so sacred and a vacation so worthless?

32

After thinking this over, I can’t believe I even thought about staying away until August.

33

I have to back up Arnold on this one. That’s exactly what I was thinking throughout this thread.

My husband is a musician, and right now, he’s a stay-at-home dad. There will come a day when he has to leave, for days, maybe weeks at a time. When this happens, I’d better never hear anyone tell me that he’s a bad father for doing so, and I’d better never hear anyone telling me I’m a bad mother for putting my kids in day care.

Sweet Lotus, don’t let anyone guilt you out of doing what you and your fiance have already agreed to. Take your vacation, and take it for as long as you feel comfortable, and if it’s six weeks, fine. :smiley:

34

Sweet Lotus, I am not a psychiatrist but I play one from time to time on the SDMB. And my impression, from what little you’ve said, is that you are seeking to “escape.” And you feel guilty for feeling that way, which makes you even more desperate to get away.

From what I’ve read, you sound completely overwhelmed. This is perfectly normal, especially for someone who has a young child and another on the way. How you handle this stress, however, can make a huge difference in your life and the life of your children.

If you think in your heart that separating yourself from your child for several weeks will help you be a better parent and wife, then by all means take the vacation. But I suspect that there are bigger issues here. And running away from problems never solves them.

I respectfully suggest that you seek counseling. It sounds like you need to talk to a neutral party about your situation so that you can work through your feelings. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, and I admire you for trying to do the right thing for everybody.

Good luck!

35

Last month I took a 6-day trip to England to help take care of a friend who was in an auto accident (okay take care of her kids and house and take some pressure off her husband; the doctors were taking care of HER). It was really important, and not something I could really do with a 2 1/2 year old in tow.

Six days - I loved the time away, loved talking to my son on the phone, felt like I did a really good thing, my DH never saw any change in our son’s behavior, and when I got back, my daycare provider just about fainted from releif! My son went through a complete personality change - but ONLY at daycare. It wasn’t visible at home. He was miserable and confused, and was acting out all over the place.

If your fiance isn’t going to be doing full-time care, make sure you also check in with the daycare/preschool. They’ll pick up on issues long before they show up at home.

My recommendation is this: Plan for a week or at most two weeks away, check in periodically, and be prepared to come home early - WITHOUT resentment - if it is indicated. Vacations are flexible. Maybe you can take another week later on in the summer?

AND THEN, arrange nights off, at least once every two weeks, FOR THE REST OF THEIR CHILDHOODS. If you have relatives nearby, can they take your daughter overnight twice a month? Honestly, I’d go nuts without our weekly night off, and every two weeks is the most that is comfortable, and that’s without being pregnant besides. If you can even get an evening out, taking a walk, or catching a movie, that does amazing things for your relationship, your sanity, and your parenting! (Plus, if grandparents are handy, it gives them the chance to develop an independant relationship with their grandkids) Later, you can use this time to talk about how your kids are doing in school, or other parenting stuff, without little ears nearby to hear. It still qualifies as a break. If you haven’t had this kind of break on an ongoing basis, I know why you wanted the whole summer! Go for a structural solution, and hire yourself a babysitter, a family member, or whatever. Some daycare providers will also sit the kids they know, so you don’t have to screen a whole new set of people.

Good luck!

36

PunditLisa and hedra, thank you. PL, you hit the nail right on the head - I am running away, but not from anything that has happened yet. I’m worried about how Lola is going to react when the new baby comes. When my little brother was born, I tried to drown him. I was only three, but still! What if Lola tries to hurt the baby? What if I turn my back for a moment and she does something drastic, uncomprehending of the consequences? I’m going away because I need time to relax completely and take time to relieve my anxieties, free of distractions.

My fiance has the whole summer off. He worked something out with the Union, so he’ll be at home with Lola the whole time I’m away.
Time alone with the Grandparents isn’t an option because my mother has a heart condition and is too frail to run around after rambunctious kiddies. And David’s mother lives three hours away. I’m certainly going to look into having nights away from the kids, but this is my one shining chance at an extended period of not having to care for my child (soon to be -ren) all the time. I feel as though this is my chance to be me, instead of “Mom”.

37

Lotus, I really understand how you feel. Children are very draining. I joke to my friends that they suck the life out of you. I’m only half kidding. They are a 24/7-365 proposition, as you are fully aware. Unfortunately,(or fortunately), you will never be able to separate yourself from being a mom. It is an integral part of who you are. Even if you are away on vacation, Lola will still be your child and your responsibility. And that is very scary, isn’t it? I understand.

The advice given so far is good. You sound like you need a break. Not the 6 week kind, but a weekly one. Time to recapture what you feel you’ve lost in becoming a parent. I highly recommend play groups. Don’t know where one is? Start one. I did. Not only did my children have insta-friends, but I developed friendships, too. People to talk with who understand exactly how you feel. And people who will no doubt be willing to watch your kids every Tuesday night from 5-8 if you watch theirs on Thursday from 5-8. You sound like you need more support since your family is not available. Create that support for yourself.

As women we are brought up to take care of everyone, to nurture everyone, to be selfless. And that can lead us to feel like we’ve lost ourselves. These are all legitimate feelings. A vacation is NOTHING to feel guilty about. I think it’s the length of time away has people worried. Lola is too little to understand the concept of time now and she can’t understand that Mommy is gone temporarily and will be back. So I think you need to maximize your enjoyment while minimizing her stress. And don’t sell yourself short. While she may seem to enjoy her father more, she has a bond with you that no one else can replace.

I do have good news for you. My children are 8 and almost 6 now. Each year it gets easier…until they’re teenagers, anyway. I can go to friends’ houses now, children in tow, and not see them the rest of the evening because they are off having the big time with their friends. I don’t have to worry about them scalding themselves, or crayoning on the walls, or drowning in a bucket of water. Right now I can honestly say that I enjoy having my kids around. And I couldn’t always say that.

So take heart.

38

I am going to write that down and paste it in my daybook, so that while I make the rest of my plans for this trip, it will be my focus.

Except now I feel like a bad mother for not thinking of it myself… rueful smile

39

I am going to write that down and paste it in my daybook, so that while I make the rest of my plans for this trip, it will be my focus.

Except now I feel like a bad mother for not thinking of it myself… rueful smile

40

Okay, I’ve been watching this thread grow and noting all the caring advice you’re being given. I want to add a little
experienced adivice of my own.
It’s about your worries with sibling jealousy. Both of my older kids were three when the next sibling came along. I worried like you about problems adjusting. What I found was that I needed little hands to get diapers/bottles/etc. for me. I didn’t even realize at the time that I was sending my older kids a message…
No, not ‘you are now a slave to my every whim.’ (I just flat-out told them that…<smiles>)
I was sending a message about how our new baby needed all of us. How I needed my older kids to help me and how much trust I had in them. They were part of taking care of the baby in a very active way. Even as your pregnancy progresses you’ll see ways to involve Lola in the ‘family.’ Asking her opinion on baby clothes, or new toys for the nursery. I bought my oldest son a baby doll when I was pregnant so he could see what it would be like to have a baby of his own. I let him play with diapers and bottle and whatnot to get an idea of how things would change. The only bad side to all this involvement by my older kids was the level of possessiveness they exhibited when the baby did arrive. I also used everyday experiences with the new baby to tell them about how they were when they were little. They liked having that in common and it helped them understand that I remembered them. It’s hard having a second baby arrive, I’ll admit that. But don’t let it overwhelm you. BTW, my doctor told me that three is the perfect age for a child to accept a sibling. Very independent stage, apparently. I found that to be true.
As for your trip…you have to do what you feel is right. And you will, because it’s obvious that you love your little girl very much.
Thanks for letting me spout.
struuter