In a song off of his Pipes of Peace album (I can’t think of which one right now) the lyrics go
“But something took a hold of me,
And I acted like a dustbin lid…”
A dustbin LID?!?! WHy not say something like, “And I acted like a crazy kid”? It rhymes, and it makes sense! Everybody’s happy!
True, there are some “good” songs that have stoopid lyrics but are redeemed by a good beat or melody. And the “drown in a hole” example used by the first poster was more amusingly ridiculous than nauseating IMO. Still, I can’t understand why these wealthy stars like Faith Hill can’t or won’t hire someone who can write lyrics that are both catchy AND logical.
I can’t remember where, but I recall running across a webpage that went to a lot of effort to analyze the inane lyrics of pop songs, with the particularly flagrant offenders (no big surprises) being “My Heart Will Go On” and “I Believe I Can Fly” (R. Kelly?).
I don’t know how many of you listen to House/Dance, but there was one song which recently was being played on the Top 40 stations in my area (hey, I have 14 year-olds, I hear a lot of Top 40). Anyway, the song behind the driving beat is about a girl who is complaining about some other girl trying to steal her boyfriend. The chorus is:
She’s gonna look like with a chimney on her
She’s gonna look like with a chimney on her. . .
I think the singer is talking about doing physical harm to this other woman, but it just doesn’t make any gosh darn sense!. It doesn’t even keep the beat that well.
What about the most unromantic, unconvincing, trying-to-get-laid song in the history of music?
“Please let me go all the way
It feels so right (feels so right)
Being with you here tonight
Please let me go all the way
Just hold me close (hold me close)
Don’t ever let me go–oh!”
(Bear in mind, it’s a guy singing the song. Wha…?)
As my mother said when we heard this on the radio right when I was figuring out what “going all the way” meant:
“Ha. Like I’d ever want to ‘do it’ with a guy that begs.”
Thanks for the correction. I did a cursory search of this song on CDNOW.COM, and the only credits I saw (on numerous compilations) were for Oliver MacDermott. Vaguely recalling the song was covered by “Oliver,” I figured that was the same Oliver. My mistake.
Thanks again for the follow-up!
Whenever this subject comes up I have to put in my two cents for The Scorpions’ “Rock You like a Hurricane”:
The bitch is hungry, she’s ready to tell,
So give her inches and feed her well…
I can’t believe nobody has mentioned Joan Osborne’s “What if God Was One of Us?” Every time that song comes on the radio I want to throw it through the window (the radio, not the song). First of all, Joan, subjunctive case. Subjunctive case, Joan. If we have to make an egregious grammatical error, does it have to be in the title of the damn song? How about “What if God WERE One of Us” next time? Or how about ending your singing career entirely?
Second, what the HELL is wrong with her, singing these lyrics?
“What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us.”
and
“No one to call him on the phone. Except the Pope maybe in Rome.”
EXCEPT THE POPE MAYBE IN ROME?? Is that even English? And I’m so sure that if God came down to Earth in the guise of a human (oh dear Lord, analyzing this song in any depth whatsoever is giving me an insta-headache), his first concern would be that there was nobody to call him on the phone. Except the Pope maybe in Rome. Because he would be a poor slob, like one of us. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Make it stop!
The one that always cracks me up is “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money w/ Ronnie Spector. Twice in the song, Eddie sings
You already said it’s a hunger!
OK, this is fuckin’ weird, as I’m typing this guess which friggin’ song just came on the radio. I haven’t heard this song in 2 years and now as I’m writing about it , it comes on the radio? I’m going back to bed.
I think we really, really need an :eyebleed: smiley…
BTW, I remember some horrible dreck from the 80’s with a readheaded fellow singing “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna say goodbye and desert you.” Who was he, and did he have any other hits? I think he was my second-most hated pop star from high school. (The most hated, of course, being the folks who did “The Final Countdown.” “We’re leaving for Veee-nusssss!”
-Ben
Rick Astley! Oh yeah, that’s the stuff nightmares are made of! 
Listening to the radio today, came up with another song that drove me crazy because of the lyrics
I was a (something - stray?) boy
And you was my best toy
Found it easy to annoy - you
Cause you were different from the rest *
So far I’m terribly impressed with the extensive knowledge we all seem to have of these songs. Keep em coming!
MsWhatsit - I HATE that song! I always thought it was stupid, but my friend thought it was profound. Scary.
This is a fun thread.
All this talk of Heart’s “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You” reminded me of their other crime against humanity, “These Dreams,” which goes somethin’ like this:
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams recede (proceed?) when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake, the further I’m away.
All together now: ***HUH?? ***
I’m amazed that the worst song of all time has yet to be mentioned. Huge boy-band hit of last year: Summer Girls, by LFO. It’s the most non-sensical song ever.
“Hip-hop mama layed Spic & Span
Met you one summer and it all began
You’re the best girl that I ever did see
The great Larry Bird, jersey 33
When you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespere wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can’t speak baby
Somethin’ in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can’t forget you and it makes me mad
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home
Macaullay Culkin wasn’t Home Alone
Fell deep in love, but now we ain’t speakin
Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch”
The song in question is “Go All the Way” by Raspberries, a #5 hit in 1972. Unfortunately, I’m afraid you’re entirely mistaken about the lyrics and their import.
The verse leading up to the chorus you’ve quoted is
I never knew how two people could be
Till SHE kissed me and SAID “baby
Please go all the way…”
Similarly, the second verse is
I couldn’t say what I wanted to say
Till SHE WHISPERED “I love you so
Please go all the way…”
[Emphasis added]
Further, lead singer Eric Carmen sings only “Pleeeeease…go all the way.” What you’re hearing as “let me” is in fact backup vocalists Wally Bryson and Dave Smalley singing “baby” before joining in on the harmonies of “go all the way.”
So as you can see, it’s the GIRL asking the guy to go all the way. And the lyrics of the rest of the song put it in the context of her wanting him to do this because she genuinely loves him.
And this appears to be reciprocated, as the guy sings in the bridge:
Before her love I was cruel and mean
I had a hole in the place where my heart used to be
Now I’ve changed and it feels so strange
I come alive when she does all those things to me
I’m not arguing that it’s a pure and chaste love that’s being sung about here. There are definitely some raging teenage hormones about. But at the same time, this is anything but a song that is entirely about a guy getting his rocks off. And if anyone’s “begging,” it’s her, not him.
The Worst Lyrics of all time?
Gotta go with the Smashing Pumpkins 1996 classic:
Emptiness is Loneliness
And Lonliness is Cleanliness
And Cleanliness is Godliness
And God is empty just like me.
BLLLLLLLUGGGGHHH!
Can’t believe no one’s mentioned my personal favorite for lyrics that make you say WTF…
Duran Duran
A few chosen gems…
You’re about as easy as a nuclear war.
Every little thing the reflex does leaves you answered with a question mark.
On the razor’s edge you trail because there’s murder by the roadside in a sore afraid new world.
I’d like to believe eyeliner poisoning was responsible for these…
“Mr Jones and Me” by Counting Crowes
I wish I was beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
This was during the first verse. How insipid!!
Yeah, just about anything by Duran Duran qualifies.
But for my money, there’s nobody like Sammy Hagar, the guy whose mere existence lowers the average IQ of the rock world by a good 15 points. Examples?
From “Your Love is Driving Me Crazy”: “Hot, sweet cherries on the vine.” Duh, cherries grow on trees, dumbass!
From the Van Hagar classic, “Why Can’t This Be Love?”: “Only time will tell / If we stand the test of time.” That’s redundantly repetative.
But his crowning achievment of stupidity (or stupiditity as Sammy himself–or GWB–might put it) is the entire song, “I Can’t Drive 55.” What a :wally
For the utmost pinnacle of bad lyrics, I submit the following:
Fifteen cents a word to read
A telegram I didn’t need
Said she didn’t care no more
Think I’ll throw it on the floor
Got your cable just today
Killed my groove, I’ve got to say, hey
Bonus Points to anyone who knows the artists.
The nobody’s had a few with bad lyrics. These are so bad they’re almost good.
It’s from the song “I love to fuck”
I ain’t no Cassanova,
I ain’t no Romeo,
But then I’ll turn you over,
and then I guess you’ll know.
I love to FUCK
I love to FUCK
I love to FUCK
I’ll take you from behind,
I’ll take you from the front,
I’ll fuck you in the ass,
and then I’ll fuck you in the cunt.
I love to FUCK
I love to FUCK
I love to FUCK
the scary thing is, I was able to post that from memory, and I haven’t heard the song in over a year.
How about that immortal line: “As the big freighters go, she was bigger than most” by Gordon Lightfoot in “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”?
And Mr. C, I think aha’s gonna be pretty pissed at you when he gets here.