Eating fewer calories is no fun. Increasing one’s activity level is no fun either. Diets that propose either of those things really suck.
I want to eat more calories, keep my activity level the same (i.e., sedentary)—and lose weight. I’ve come up with the perfect diet. I call it the Fatso Diet & Ripped Body Plan.
You know how when you put ankle or wrist weights on, then move around, you burn more calories? Well, I think that’s a very sound concept. But, added weight would be even more effective at burning calories, if you packed on more of that weight in toward your core. All the smart health nuts (and health nuts are known for being smart) talk about your “core”, so there must be something to it. And, why go with expensive, artificial, toxic, inorganic weights, when you can easily go holistically and naturopathically organic on the cheap?
Procedure: Just start eating more, lots more, particularly high carb and fatty foods. Eat like your refrigerator’s on the blink and you have to eat everything in it before it goes rancid. Then find another refrigerator on the blink…then another…Pack on those pounds like a snowball rolling down a steep, snow and goat poop covered mountain. You can level off when you’ve gained 50lbs.
It should be obvious that just doing your normal daily activities, like walking from the living room to the kitchen, squatting down, then up from the toilet, bending down to pick up the remote control that dropped on the floor, kicking the dog and cat out the back door so they don’t take a dump on your carpet, wiggling your ears, and many other domestic aerobic work-outs, will burn many more calories with that added 50lb weight attached to you core (and some flapping about on your thighs, beneath your upper arms and bulging from your buttocks).
Here’s the beautiful part: With all that added weight, not only will you be burning more calories and melting away the fat, you will also be toning and adding mass to your muscles! And everybody knows muscles weigh more than fat! So the added dense muscle mass will continue to give you a better work out and you’ll just keep shedding fat and building more muscle. It’s a perfect storm of positive reinforcement and unintended acceleration.
In a nut [del]sack[/del] shell, that’s the iron-clad theory I developed. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work for me as anticipated—not yet, anyway. Oh, the first part worked like a charm—I put those 50 lbs on like nobody’s business. I was like Kareem Abdul Jabbar doing skyhooks through cream-filled donuts, or Secretariat leaving those other Triple Crown donkeys with egg on their faces. You could say when it comes to laying down subcutaneous and body cavity adipose quickly and efficiently, I am an elite athlete—a crouching tiger of gluttony.
It was that pesky second part of the theory that didn’t pan out as expected. None of the 50lbs I put on shed away and no fat melted away while being replaced by dense muscle mass. I tried to convince people that my rolls and bulges were large masses of muscle, but the jiggling kind of gave it away when I moved.
So, I did what any smart body builder would do (and body builders are known for being very smart)—I packed on an additional 50lbs. Working out with a 100lb load would surely start burning those calories!
But, alas, that didn’t happen either. I’ll give it one or two more tries. Surely working out with an added 200lbs is bound to bring positive results, right?
But, I probably just have a stubborn metabolism. Don’t let my current [del]failures[/del] just-shy-of-the-goal incidences discourage you from starting and paying for (I accept PayPal) my diet.
Bon Appétit
