Hi, my name is Chris and I’m an attachment parent. I say it like that because I believe I am in the minority in the United States (but maybe not so much on this board) and parents who are NOT in my camp tend to treat me with condescension and scorn when they learn the truth. So, here is your chance to convert me to your side. I want to hear why you think I should convert from my current parenting methods – what are the big benefits that I am missing out on by not following the societal norm?
For those of you who don’t know what attachment parenting means:
The term comes from the fact that attachment parents believe in the power of touch, so we hold our babies as much as possible. I held my son whenever he wanted to be held, and wore him in a sling if I needed my hands free, as opposed to putting him in a carrier or bouncy chair. It wasn’t like I never put him down, but only when he wanted to be put down to explore or play. I breastfed him for the first 12 months of his life. I happened to co-sleep with him during that time as then as now I was a working mom and needed every moment of sleep that I could get (But I don’t want to turn this into a co-sleeping argument – I want to focus on the over all style). When my son was hungry, I fed him. I judged this based on his cues, rather than waiting for him to cry. Newborns chew on their hands when they are hungry. Older breastfed babies will nuzzle or stare at their mother’s breasts when hungry. When he was tired, he slept. He almost never cried. He was a very happy and observant baby. Complete strangers would be amazed at how he met their eyes at a very early age – people always noted how he was so interested in his surroundings.
My son is now 4 years old. Please understand that we have routines, but we don’t have schedules. This means for example that when we wake up, we have a certain order of operations we always follow, but what time that is may vary. To this day, when he is tired, he sleeps. Some days he doesn’t go to bed until – gasp – 10pm – but guess what? He actually sleeps in the next day to make up for it. Like I said, he sleeps when he is tired, none of this waking up with the chickens business just because. He can sleep nearly anywhere, under nearly any conditions – he knows when he is tired and sleeps. When he is hungry, he eats. I never force him to eat. I do insist that he at least tries all the food on his plate, but I don’t force him to clean it. I believe making kids eat on an artificial time table and forcing them to clear their plates is a lot of the reason we have weight problems as a nation. I give him some control over his environment by offering him choices (For example: It is time to get dressed. He has no choice in that. However, he may choose between two outfits I offer him. I try to give him input to meal decisions when I can.) Near as I can tell, he is a very happy child who appears to be very well adjusted. He attends preschool 3 days a week for 9 hours a day and has for the last two years. He gets along well with both the other children and the teachers – never fights with the other children and listens to the teachers. He is well behaved in public and he is extremely polite – always saying please and thank you, you’re welcome and such. He spoke in complete sentences by the time he was 2 and was completely potty trained at the average age for a boy – 35 months. We rarely have power struggles – I try to know when to pick my battles, and when I do put my foot down, he knows it means business. He may cry a bit and plead for a while, but he has limits and understands them. He will be attending Montessori preschool in the fall. I believe Montessori versus normal schooling is a perfect example of attachment versus standard parenting. (Link to a brief summary - Montessori .)
This subject is bothering me at the moment because my brother is visiting from out of state with his two children – one is a year older than my son, one is a year younger. My brother is as anti-attachment style as they come. His kids have strict routines and schedules. I don’t know if there is a term for this style of parenting, but at least for babies I refer to it as the “Cry it out” style. This parenting style is more about having a schedule than listening to nature. These parents to me – seem to prefer NOT to hold their babies, leaving them in car carriers or other mechanisms, encouraging them to hold their own bottles for feedings as early as 3 months, putting them to bed every chance they get. They feed the baby every 3 hours, regardless of when the baby is actually hungry. They give it water if they have to if it is hungry prior to the magic window. They put them to bed at certain times, regardless of whether they are tired or not. The thought process is that the baby will eventually adjust to this schedule to the point where that is when they will be tired and hungry. Just let them cry for hours in their cribs. It will only take two weeks until you have “taught” them how to sleep. To me, this means you have taught them to respond to artificial stimulus instead of their own bodies. You have taught them that their parents don’t care if their needs are being met and cause them to distrust the outside world. Same goes for meals. Put it in front of them. If they don’t eat it, take it away until the next meal time, and let them go hungry in between. As they get older, I believe this conditions a child to always do things at the same time – they don’t sleep in even when they need it, they can’t fall asleep in a strange place, they overeat snacks when they get a special treat because they don’t know how to act when they don’t have overpowering structure.
Near as I can tell, the only advantage to this style of parenting is predictability, which seems selfish on the part of the parent to me. My niece stayed overnight with us one day this week. She couldn’t sleep because she didn’t have her routine. She kept telling me she was tired, and all I could say was, “Well, then go to sleep.” She couldn’t because she wasn’t at home, it was the normal time, all her little cues were out of whack. Where is the benefit in that? It seems to me that you cause artificial inflexibility in your child by not teaching them to understand their own needs. My brother will put his kids to bed and they will be wide awake in bed for sometimes as much as two hours before they go to sleep. Yes, he has some time to himself, but what is the point? I would rather spend that two hours with my son, then put him down when he is tired, rather than banishing him to his bedroom just because it is 8pm or whatever. My brother views my parenting with scorn, (my son’s late bed time is usually the biggest frown instigator of them all) yet from what I have seen of his interaction with his kids versus my own relationship with my son, we have a much happier household. We are not constantly having power struggles like he is with his kids. He gives them no input, no freedom, no control at all over their lives. This is what they will wear, this is what they will eat, end of story.
So, why all the scorn? What disservice am I doing my son by giving him input into his life, by teaching him to listen to his body? I don’t want to ask my brother himself because it will likely only increase the animosity between us rather than clearing the air. So, I ask those of you in my brother’s camp, tell me what is wrong with attachment parenting and why I should change – what makes your way so much better than mine, in terms of benefits to my son. I can see where the other style would benefit ME – it would give me better predictability and more freedom and let me have my way more often, but being a parent is about sacrifice and I would rather raise a well-adjusted, happy child than have a comfortable life myself. My son can live by a schedule – he does so three days a week at daycare, as he is not currently in Montessori, but those who are on a schedule can’t live the opposite. While my son has freedom, he also has limits. The balance of that will change age appropriately. I think I am teaching my son to be flexible and to roll with the punches. Why is that worthy of scorn? When my son leaves my care, he will make the adjustment smoothly, as opposed to my brother’s kids, who will overdo their new freedom as they were not introduced to it gradually. You see it all the time when kids first go away to college. Kids who were “sheltered” and controlled take things too far to the opposite extreme to make up for lost time, as it were, when they get the chance.
Where am I wrong? Enlighten this parent who believes in teaching flexibility, moderation, and self-awareness.
