Monstro - I think you are on to something, on all accounts. I have done a lot of reading about how to be the best parent. But as Dangerosa pointed out, I only adopted parts of it. I can guarantee my brother has not done any reading, and probably thinks I need to be knocked down a peg or two overall in life, and not just as a parent. He and I are very different people who have lived very different lives in nearly every way possible. I feel like he judges the book by the cover, which is not fair, which is the source of my disdain.
Based on the replies I have seen here, I think you’re probably right also that I have generalized our polarity too much, and I applied everyone who ever questioned my son’s bed time the same title I gave my brother, when neither was appropriate. So I apologize to anyone who read this and thought my term applied to you. It probably doesn’t really apply to anyone.
My brother doesn’t outwardly say anything to me - it is more passive aggressive than that - acting holier-than-thou when he puts his kids to bed while me and my son are still up having fun, getting irritable when we don’t have dinner at exactly 6pm, frowning and changing the subject when he heard that I let his daughter stay up an hour past her bedtime when she slept over.
It actually bothers my dad more than it bothers me, but we are afraid to say anything because questioning someone’s parenting style implies they are a bad parent and people would just get too offended. Everyone believes they are doing what is best for their kids and to suggest change is to suggest they are a bad parent. But it can be downright painful to be around them for an extended period, with the constant complaining and crying and battles of will. I only have to deal with it twice a week, but my poor dad doesn’t get a break from it at all since they are staying with him.
The thing is, I think he must get tired of it all and let them win sometimes (never in front of us, but maybe when they are at their home?), which rewards their behavior, so they continue to do so. Maybe it is that inconsistency more than the rules or anything else that causes all the battles. My son knows when I mean business and when a fight is futile, so we get along most of the time. His kids don’t know when the fighting will pay off, so they continually try to wear him down because then they get their way sometimes. To me, it seems better to give them some control to begin with, and then have a hard line when it stops, whereas he gives them no control, but it is a fuzzy line so they never really know where it is.
I never believed there was a final answer, which is why I put this thread in Great Debates. But I do think I might understand what is going on better now. Thank you to you all for your input.
My dad is retired for health reasons. For the first two years of my son’s life, my dad came to my house to watch my son (I did pay him the going rate for doing so and they are not doing well financially with his forced retirement.) So my son could sleep in if he stayed up late. My dad, as mentioned before, is of the same mind set I am, so he held my son most of the time as well - I think that might have been because it was easier for him with his health and all, too. When my son turned 2, I thought both my son needed social contact and my dad needed a break from keeping up with a toddler who didn’t want to be held anymore, so I put him in day care two days a week. After a year, we went to three days a week. So two days a week he is still with my dad and two days a week he is with me. So he can make up sleep 4 days a week. Plus I have flextime at work - I have to work 5 days a week, but I can start anytime I like between 6am and 9am.
That is the funny part about all this is that he was the biggest rule breaker of us all (I have 4 siblings total), and yet he is the one trying to be so strict with his own kids.