It can’t be done.
At least not from the stuid tape I have. They never tell you WHAT NOTE each string is supposed to be!!! How am I supposed to learn to play this thing if I can’t even tune it!!!
I’m about ready to go out front and just smash the guitar and give up.
From lowest to highest: E, A, D, G, B, E. Invest in an electrical tuner for about $30. It will save you a lot of frustration in the beginning before you develop an ear. You turn the tuner on and play your guitar until it lights up in the appropriate place.
Keep at it.
HUGS!
Sqrl
Well, I would’ve suggested a pitch pipe, but if you have a tin ear, SqrlCub’s suggestion makes sense.
Of course, if you plan to play the instrument, a tin ear will prove to be a bit of a problem – how will you know when yuo are playing the tune you wanted to?
~~Baloo
Definitely get an electronic tuner. It will make your life easier. I’m not sure whether I like the digital or analog varieties better. I think the analog is a bit easier to use, since the needle is true, versus an electronic representation, which sems to move about a bit.
Is this an electric guitar, or an acoustic? If it’s an electric, then you get the fun of tuning the string length, as well as the tension. Joy.
P.S. If you decide to smash it, please let me know first. I have an old beat up acousting that I would be happy to trade up for. 
Follow this link.
It has a midi file on it that lets you HEAR what the low E should sound like. Then, it helps you tune it the rest of the way through. I’ve used it before with success.
Don’t smash it…go buy a cheap ($20-25) tuner. I’ve been playing for a while (not that I’m going on tour anytime soon, or probably ever for that matter) and I still knock it far enough out of tune every now and again that I’m glad to have it around. The tuner also comes in really handy after my chilluns have played with it or I have let it sit for a while.
Keep at it! I think it’s a riot sometimes…
There, there. Easy, killer.
As a last resort, take at least one lesson, or have another guitarist tune it for you the first time.
Damn, I wish I could type faster! Three posts before I could even finish typing mine 
Another tuning trick that I have used: the dial tone of a phone is an A. Yes you can tune to it and the look on the faces of other musicians when you pick up the phone and tune up is priceless.
HUGS!
Sqrl
Actually I HAVE an electronic tuner. My problem was not knowing what notes to tune to. Now I got it.
Sqrl: I am going to hire you, but I need a couple more weeks to deal with my life first. I haven’t forgotten.
A lot of guitar players may already know this, but for those who don’t:
The best may to tune the string length, or intonation, if you have movable string saddles, is to play the 12th fret harmonic (touch your finger lightly to the string w/o fretting, and pick), and compare it to the note fretted at the 12th fret. Adjust the string saddle accordingly; if the fretted note is flat (below pitch), adjust the saddle forward until the desired tone is reached, opposite direction if the note is sharp. You may want to adjust it so the fretted note is a tad sharp compared to the harmonic note, to compensate for the slight tension put on the string when fretting it, although this is more a matter of personal preference; I know several players who intonate exactly to pitch, and they seem to stay in tune all the way up the neck. It just depends on how aggresively and accurately you fret. I’m sloppier than shit, so I intonate pretty sharp to compensate.
I realize that, to experienced players, this may sound like an excerpt from one of those cheesy “Learn to Play Like Eddie in 30 Days” books, but the first time I’d learned this, I’d been playing for 5 years, and taking my guitars to professionals to be intonated. Luckily, one of the techs who did it for me had the heart to show me how, and saved me from shelling out $30-$40 every time my guitar needed it.
I recently had one tech who, upon being asked to flip a right handed guitar over to left handed (I refuse to pay 20% more for a left-handed, when a righty will do just fine), quoted me $100 just for intonation, and said he wouldn’t make a new nut (already quoted at $60) unless I had it done as well. He said it was a “special setup”, and that if I ever detuned or used alternate tuning, I’d need to pay him to do it all over again. I said, no thank you; unless you’ve changed the laws of acoustic physics, you can shove your “special setup” straight up your ass. I’m not some pimply faced, Ibanez toting teen straight off the Steve Vai boat, thankyouverymuch.
I didn’t actually say that, but I felt like it. The sad thing is, I know many experienced guitar players who think that intonation involves voodoo incantations, trances, and chicken’s blood, and they pay good money for “special setups”, when all it takes is 20 minutes, the right size screwdriver, and a bit of patience.
Again, I apologize if this seems long and drawn out, but if I’ve helped at least one frustrated guitar player, my work is done, and it is worth any flaming I receive. Unless Coldfire flames me, then I’ll just crawl in a corner and cry for a while.
I have an acoustic I have no interest in playing electric guitar
How are you going to piss off the neighbors that way?!?
Actually, it’s the cheapest and best way to learn. The tighter action of an acoustic forces one to concentrate on technique and accuracy as well as basic ability.
Electrics are so loose, that simply learning to play the chords is easy; with enough distortion, you can cover up the sloppiness.
Plus, acoustics don’t require the amp, and the wah-wah pedal that you just have to have, and the $25 super low-noise cable that still doesn’t get rid of the buzzing from the wah-wah, and the noise gate you buy to finally get rid of the buzz, and the compressor/sustainer you buy to compensate for frequency clipping from the noise gate, and the EQ you buy to boost the mid-high end that you lose from the comp/sust unit, yadda yadda, etc, etc…kind of like the old lady who swallowed the fly.
The point is, I envy you. I learned on an electric, and I’m stuck with it, unless I want people to hear me on an acoustic, and realize that, geez, this guy sucks.
What’s your poison, O Crown Prince? I am a Stratocaster man from way back (I own two)–there is nothing like a tortured Strat (and Lord knows, I’ve made a few moan in pain in my day).
My next acquisition will be some kind of hollow body that strikes my fancy and won’t break the bank. BTW, I am reading between the lines of your posts that you are like the rest of us–the toys we’re forced to buy for electrics aren’t a burden, they’re part of the fun. And you are absolutely correct: for efficiently pissing off the neighbors or for the pure, therapeutic joy of releasing the noise of a window-rattling, scrotum-vibrating, earth-scorching power chord, there is nothing so satisfying as an electric guitar (unless it’s a chainsaw, but they’re almost impossible to tune)…
Heh… I’m a hippy chick. I want to play guitar so I can play old folk songs and classical stuff.
Bob Cos:
Have you seen the new Stratacoustic? I seriously recommend having a look at one. Dealers can’t keep them on the shelves.
Bob Cos:
I’ve got a cheap Tele flipped over (the non-cutaway is a bitch), cause it was the cheapest hardtail bridge, string though body the store had (Musician’s Fiend. Not a typo).
I’m a big fan of hardtail bridges, I had a left-handed, Strat knockoff that was hardtail ($225 used), and it wailed. Got stolen. You just can’t beat the sustain of a hardtail, unless you go for a PRS or some fucking museum piece $10K guitar.
If you want to play now, and don’t care if it is tuned to a precise key, do this.
Tune the low E string (fattest, closest [geographically] to your face) to a note that is low, but doesn’t buzz.
Press down behind the fifth fret on the low E and tune the A string (next fattest)to the same note. It’s annoying because the different thicknesses will cause the two strings to sound slightly different even when in tune. Listen through the superficial differences and you will be able to tell.
Do the same thing with the A and D strings…
…and the D and G strings…
…but press down behind the fouth fret on the G string and tune tune B to that…
…and back to the fifth fret on B to tune high E.
Now do it again. Tightening strings may pull other strings out of tune (cheap guitar like mine) and new strings will stretch easier and require tuning more often.
The finished tuning will match the sequence of notes at the beginning of each “The Beatles” cartoon, if you are a boomer or Cartoon Network has sullied the cable with that claptrap (Cockney accents on the Beatles, indeed!). Strumming all strings will produce a chord that is not too horrible.
It will not be tuned to any real key, but it’s good enough to practice to and you will always be able to tune your guitar. This is also how you would tune to another instrument or your phone.
As I said, this won
5th fret low e= a string open
5th fret a string= d string open
5th fret d string = g string open
4th fret g string = b string open
5th fret b string = e string open
http://www.luke-for-god.itgo.com
change is coming - I am the anti-cecil
I have a 6-string that I find is very hard to keep in tune with itself. I mean, even if the strings are perfectly tuned to the same note using the open / 5th fret method, they’re not always in tune using other voicings. I suspect this may have to do with the action being wrong (resulting in miniscule string length problems that I could only solve on an electric).
But even with the action adjusted as well as I can, it still happens. New strings are fine, strings a few weeks old get worse.
Any other reasons why this might be happening?
The story goes that John Lennon invited Paul McCartney to join his band because Paul knew how to tune the guitar and John didn’t. Opal and Sqrl: there could be a bright future for you.