My husband gets really engrossed in reading/online stuff, so when I need to talk to him, I say “Hey, let me know when your brain is free for a second.” and he finishes what he’s doing and then turns his attention to see what I want. There is nothing as rude as speaking to someone who is obviously tuning you out. Just say “Can you hang on for a second?” and finish what you’re doing, then focus.
I think both of us in the zoog household are guilty of “tuning out” - really, more being focused in on something else to the point of obliviousness, trival or otherwise. And we’re both guilty of interrupting the other with things on these occasions. If I had a nickle for every time that I told my wife “I know you just said something, but I have no idea what it was”, I could retire. And if we compounded it by her responding “Oh it wasn’t anything important”, I could retire to a nice private island.
Mrs. zoog and I have been married for 15 years, and going strong. And one of the reasons is that we don’t mistake this trait in each other for insensitivity, but just for what it is.
Oh, and for the TV watchers who hate getting interrupted and missing something, get a frickin’ DVR. It’ll save you a lot of heartburn.
Wild-ass speculation follows:
I suspect it may be part of the male-female interaction. I experience something similar with my mom whenever I’m home on breaks. During these periods, I like to spend my time reclining on the couch catching up on fun reading. As she comes and goes past me, she’s always making conversation. To my way of thinking (as a male), conversation is for sharing information that is vital, curious, or otherwise interesting. I find that for lots of women, conversation is for sharing any old thought that flits across their mind. Consequently, even though I’m cognizant of what she says, I don’t respond to a lot of it
People don’t say “bitch, if you are going to keep opening your mouth, get over here and put it to good use” anymore?
I think the real key comes down to insensitivity to the body language/visual clues that NOW is not the right time to interrupt someone.
Walking up and saying something in usually just fine (unless it is visually obvious that the other person is concentrating heavily on something), but the real problem comes in when someone keeps yammering on DESPITE the lack of response or even visual annoyance of the person they’re talking to.
Then no, it’s not you, it’s the dumbass who isn’t getting the message that now is the wrong time to be interrupting something.
That’s not really the point, is it? The point is that if you are doing something, whatever it is, it’s pretty rude to come over and disrupt that person just because you feel its sharing time.
On the flip side, if you find that you never want your wife interupting you and you are busy doing other stuff all the time, maybe you should think about a divorce.
What if the wife never shuts up, like Qadgop’s friend’s wife? What if the wife feels the need to “make conversation” every time she walks by, like hobscrk’s mom?
The question I have for the OP is this: What is your wife talking to you about? Is it stuff that you’d ordinarily want/need to talk about, but just don’t want to do so at the moment or is it just idle chatter about stuff that doesn’t even pertain to you?
In other words, is it the content, the timing, or both?
And have you discussed the issue with her at a separate time? If not, why not?
Heh.
It works the other way as well. The filter that men have that makes them prone to talking very little causes pressure to build up, so it has to go the other way…hence all the man farts.
The universe is quite understandable once you understand whats really going on.
Can’t you sort of recognize by the tone of voice or the attitude when it is something you need to pay attention to, and when it is just background chatter? Because sometimes The Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan has something she wants to share, and sometimes it is just talking at me for the sake of talking.
If it is the second, you just need to say “Uh huh” or “She did?” when there is a pause for breath. As long as you don’t try to stop it, things go along OK for the most part.
TLaTMS isn’t a compulsive talker like Qadgop describes, but not everything she says requires rapt attention. Even the conversations starting with the dreaded “we need to talk” doesn’t always need more than minor feedback and occasional eye contact.
Sincerity is the key, as always. Learn to fake that, and you got it covered. It even sometimes leads to free blowjobs.
Regards,
Shodan
That’s why I clicked on it.
“Uh uh…Wow, you don’t say! You are so smart, they should make you president.”
Me too! Furthermore, I keep reading it that way every time I see the thread title. :o
Then have a conversation with her saying that you need some quiet time to [do whatever], and how can we best deal with it so I have adequate time to get my stuff done, and she has adequate time to discuss [whatever]?
And if the other doesn’t want to create or respect reasonable boundaries like an adult, I personally wouldn’t last long with them. YMMV.
I guess I’m lucky in that both my wife and I are absorptive type people. If it’s something commanding our complete focus, whether it’s entertainment like reading an engrossing book or falling deep into thought on an analytical problem (I’m a computer programmer, she’s a mathematician), everything else becomes background. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be “concentrating”, now would it?
Funny how A/V entertainment never does this, though, like watching TV (listening to music doesn’t count because that seriously listening to music usually means headphones/earbuds which clearly signal one’s unavailability to someone talking).
I went out with a friend tonight to see Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - quality band and great entertainment. When I picked him up at his place I discovered that, due to circumstances beyond his control, he has had to take in his elderly mother until she can be placed in an appropriate facility.
Both my friend and his companion are worried that they may kill the mother because she cannot be silent for even 10 seconds. Apart from the fact that she is demented, with all its associated mental problems, she simply does not shut up. So she will tell you the same thing 5 times in 5 minutes, ask you the same question over and over, argue about things more than once, the previous resolution forgotten.
I was able to become her new found favorite because I knew I was leaving soon and could let her have her way. So I responded to everything she said as though it was important.
But this is no laughing matter. I think I am going to have to provide respite care for my friends every few days or they will go mad.
With regard to this issue, what I have an issue with is that my wife will begin talking almost mid-thought - which means not only that I need to regroup and divert my attention from the current task at hand, but also be able to immediately pick up on her topic (e.g., “so do you think I should go to Pedigree?” should be immediately understood to mean that she is debating about getting our son a new winter coat and that that particular store has an after-Xmas sale going…). Walking in the door after work and getting hit with a bunch of mid-stream thoughts is just off-putting.
We have had many discussions and arguments over this - I nicely ask (and sometimes frustratingly demand) that she open up talking with “WordMan, can I check in with you about X?” and wait for my acknowledgement. She both resents this and doesn’t share the perspective that it is necessary. She grudgingly acknowledges that things go better when she checks in first and that I do listen better and end up taking care of whatever needed taking care of - to me that should be enough; she gets the results she wants, why not embrace that approach?
Big-time :mad: issue - we do great in so many areas, but this is a toughie…
I don’t tune my wife out on purpose. When I am concentrating I tune out everything! There are some good ideas here. I will talk to her about this before it happens again. Maybe I can have her poke me on the shoulder and wait 30 seconds for me to “shift gears”. After that I’ll turn away from what I’m doing and give her my undivided attention. BTW In spite of many disagreements we really do love each other.
I don’t tune out my wife but I do get miffed when she constantly interrupts me while I’m concentrating on something. This happens a lot of time when we’re both sitting in front of the television and I’m reading while she’s watching a program. She’ll talk about something that was on the screen and expect some sort of response from me. Uh, I’m reading a book not watching the idiot box so I have no idea what you’re talking about. When I’m watching something I want to on the idiot box -Venture Bros. for example- she will often start talking to me about something. Leaving me to think “Uh, couldn’t you have talked to me about this 20 minutes ago when your show was on?” Or, and this really gets my goat, she might get a phone call and proceed to have a conversation right there on the couch while drowning out my show.
Over the years I have discovered that this kind of behavior is something she picked up at home. My mother-in-law is a talker. She will talk over television shows, she will talk to you from the kitchen, and she will talk to you have things you can’t possibly have any interest in. Sorry, I don’t know Cindy because I’m not from here.
However, I never tune my wife out. If she says something to me I will reply even if it’s “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The only time I nip it in the bud is when I’m reading something for school.
Odesio
I’ve learned so much with my fiancée. For example, never say, “I’m sorry, I stopped paying attention to you.”
Yeah, does not end well.
This doesn’t appear to be an issue with my boyfriend and me, however, my boss is one of those types who comes whipping into my office with, “Okay, we need to…” Meaning, NOW. It annoys the hell out of me, but due to the fact that I think he is an awesome human being, I have to accept the fact that this is the way he is. However, I may be working on something that takes all of my concentration which means that, as has been mentioned before, the first part of what he says is lost. I have to grab a piece of paper and write down anything that I can remember him saying and ask him to reiterate what I might have missed. It’s offputting to a huge degree, but since he’s so cool in almost every other way, I deal.
I have no idea how I would deal with this in a relationship. I tend to be one who who give a “heads up” to let someone know I need to talk if they are in the middle of something, however.