For the 3,421,623th time, hubby and I just got in the same fight

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, “fight” is too strong of a word, but “disagreement” wouldn’t fit in the subject line.

The scene:

I’m working, or reading, or whatever. Husband comes into my office/living room/wherever I’m at. He opens the door, walks in, and tells me something. Sometimes it’s about his friends or coworkers. Sometimes it’s about his hobbies. Sometimes it’s about something he read on the Internet.

Meanwhile, I’m doing 4 things at once, or deep into my book, or otherwise engrossed in something. I listen to him. I have a hard time pulling out of what I’m doing and transferring attention to him at the drop of a hat.

Result: Hubby is miffed because I gave him a short answer, or he can otherwise tell that I’m not giving him my full attention. I’m miffed because I once again feel interrupted, even if I’m just goofing off. He wonders why I can’t put aside my Web surfing (or whatever) for 30 seconds to listen to him. I wonder why he can’t knock, or say “excuse me? do you have a second?” or otherwise somehow give me 20 seconds to finish what I’m doing so I can listen to him. Or, in cases where I am actually working, save his Incredibly Interesting New Factoid That I Must Hear for later, when I’m not working.

<sigh>

We’ve gone over this issue a thousand million bazillion times. We’ve decided on various occasions that:

  • my closed door means I’m not available
  • he’ll try to knock or otherwise let me know when he wants to talk to me
  • I should move my office to some spot in the house where it’s not convenient to stop in
  • I’ll try to be more polite when he does come in
  • If I’m not working I should drop what I’m doing and listen to him
  • I’ll try not to make him feel like I’m blowing him off

etc. etc. etc.

Yet it still happens. He still walks in, I still blow him off. Even when I’m trying not to, and, no doubt, even when he’s trying not to.

We are doomed. Doomed, I say. We’ll be 95 years old and still be having this disagreement. He thinks that his Interesting Factoid should take priority over my Web surfing/emailing/whatever. I can’t control myself when he bursts in on me - there’s no time, even when I’m trying, to compose myself and NOT have body language that screams “WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING ME AGAIN?!?”

I hate being interrupted. He hates being blown off. We’re doomed.

2

Hmmm. Do you think he could write it down and email it to you?

3

Well, I’m in your court on this one.

My ex used to do this, and it was a power play on his part - show me you love my by dropping everything anytime I ask. He had definite cat tendencies. With the ex it was so bad that if we were on a car trip, he would automatically start talking if I opened a book to read, but would shut up if I was crafting. I got to the point where if I wanted to talk, I would lay my hands in my lap as if I were reading.

IMO, your hubby is being rude asking you to drop whatever you are doing just to talk to him, and I doubt it’s about <i>what</i> he has to say as much as that you aren’t paying attention to him. And I wish you luck - I could never break my ex of this, even when it was blatantly obvious what was going on.

4

So, you’re rude for not giving him full attention, but he’s not rude for demanding that attention with no consideration for what you’e doing?

Yeah, you guys have issues… Wish I had some wisdom to offer.

5

Aw, Zyada, my hubby isn’t as bad as your ex. I see it more that he’s like a little kid sometimes - he reads about something cool on the Web, and he wants to share it with me. Nothin’ wrong with that. Sometimes I do the same thing to him, and to his credit, he never ever ever blows me off. 'course, IMO, I don’t do it as often as he does, and if I see he’s working I try not to interrupt him.

It’s not like we haven’t talked about it. He’s even admitted that it’s dumb of him to expect me to drop everything when he wants to talk. I admit that I can be a bit rude at times. But we’re doomed to do the same damn thing, over and over and over, until we’re ninety, because no matter how often we talk about it and how many solutions we come up with and how much we manage to understand the other person’s point of view, we still… keep… doing… it.

6

I have a standing rule with the people in my life. If I’m not looking directly in your eyes, don’t assume I even know you’re talking to me. I have an uncanny ability to shut down all other input when I’m reading. If I haven’t switched my ears back on, I won’t hear you.

7

If you two are 95 and still having this disagreement you are obviously still together so who cares, it doesnt matter in the whole scheme of things, lifes like that.

8

Have you though about setting aside some time together when you could show each other all these things that you’ve discovered during the day?
if you both make a list of stuff you’d like to share, and sit down and go through it, it would be a fun activity for you both.

Perhaps he might feel a little jealous that you demand all this time to yourself, and feel slightly inadequate that you need time to yourself so much.*

*I’m not sayign you are demanding this time, just trying to put across a possible “his side of things” view.

9

A lock on the door? Harsh, I know. Still, privacy is so vital, and it’s not like you haven’t tried to explain yourself.

10

I do to mr emilyforce what your hub does to you. I try not to, but I still forget sometimes. I know I’ve probably just interrupted a difficult train of thought on his part (he’s a grad student); I just don’t connect that knowledge with my mouth before I open it. So I’m trying to train my tomfool self to make note of how absorbed he seems to be before I chat. It’s taking a while – we’ve been living together since 1997!

The thing is, my mother used to do this to me when I was absorbed in books as a kid, and it made me crazy. I should know better. I want to know better. But I forget anyway…

Somehow your fellah needs to get the message sunk in that it’s not insulting to him for you to wish not to be mentally derailed. My mr and I have established that if I start nattering on about stuff and he’s trying to stay focused on something, he’s allowed to say so, nicely, and my feelings won’t be hurt.

11

I think you’re right on this one. I know, because I do this to Mrs. Giraffe all the time. So I know where your husband is coming from – it’s disappointing to be excited about something you want to share and get brushed off. However, it’s just not reasonable to expect to be able to command someone’s attention instantly, unless you’re gushing blood or on fire.

FWIW, I recognize this about myself and try not to do it. Mrs. Giraffe is very good about the many times I do it anyway, usually gently holding me off until she’s ready to listen. So we haven’t really argued about it much, although I know it definitely bugs her.

So IMO for you two to reach equilibrium, your husband needs to recognize that he shouldn’t do this. Once he recognizes this, you can be forgiving of his lapses without validating his behavior.

12

Me too. If you can’t hold it in until I am looking at you, don’t bother because I won’t really hear you.

13

I think Miss Manners addressed this once – no, really! – and IIRC she recommended cultivating a distracted but still polite air, as you obviously pull yourself away from what you were doing to murmur vaguely “what?” Smile distractedly and go “mmmmm” or “that’s nice” as you return your attention to what you were doing.

If he responds “Hey! I’m talking to you!” then give your whole attention to him. After he presents you with the Factoid du Jour, say something like “That’s interesting, but can we talk about it later? I was reading/e-mailing/picking my toes.”

The flipside of this, of course, is that if you’re always too busy to listen to him tell you about his day and his life, he’s eventually going to pick up on the fact that you’re always too busy to listen to him tell you about his day and his life.

Maybe it would help if you had some routine face time? I’m not saying make an appointment, but maybe over dinner, or lying in bed at night, or taking a daily walk, or whenever, when he knows and you know that you can talk to each other and get some attention. Then maybe he won’t wander in with every thought that enters his head. Just an idea.

14

If you guys both have computers, both of you get on ICQ or AIM. Then he can tell you stuff right away without coming in and bothering you.

15

Why isn’t he out in the garden? Every married Englishmen has a garden shed that he escapes to / is sent to. In there he sits in a comfy old armchair listening to the cricket test match on the radio or fiddling with pieces of car or computer or fishing related ‘bits’. It’s potting shed, really. He might have an old teevee stuck in the corner. Absolutely has some kind of water heating device so as to make a cup of tea, or several.

Then he gets summoned to the house for tea and crumpets and everyone has a nice chat:

“Had a nice day, dear?”
“Splendid than you, dear”

Means you don’t sever the wife’s head with the garden shears. Expect it works the other way around as well - not the head, the emotions.

I would recommend this as an ideal solution, even though I’m not entirely sure what Jodi’s “routine face time” is . . .

Plan B would be to get him a very big and energetic dog.

After that, it’s divorce. You’re welcome!

16

Get a telephone headset. Then, when he bursts in, act like you’re listening to a call. “Mmm hmmm… mmm hmmm…” –hold up a finger, just a sec– “mmm hmmm…” And eventually he’ll go away. Either that, or he’ll start picking up the phone in the other room to see if you’re really talking to somebody. :stuck_out_tongue:

My wife and I do this also, but we’ve coped by starting with an introduction: “Can I tell you something interesting?” and we wait for either a “yes” or a “not right now.” Seems to work pretty well.

17

I am your husband, but 10 times worse!
Is it really that hard to give me your time? If you really loved me you would drop everything just to hear my voice and see the sparkle in my eyes!
Why doesn’t your whole life revolve around me and my every whim?
Yep that’s me…

My partner and I have been going through the same thing. She’s independant to the extreme and I thought I was too till I met her and now I’m a pathetic looser. I can’t get enough of her, and we’ve only been together a year. Does it get better or worse?

Every time I try to give her space I feel lonely and unloved… I know I have issues and I’m working on that.

So give your hubby a break, and realise it could be worse… you could be with me!

18

I have A.D.D. I’m useless on the first go-round most of the time. And, due to the generally lousy state of my marriage, I have a fairly hard time focusing in on what the Wifestrocity has to say.

:frowning:

19

This is exactly what I do do, and it’s what drives him batty. He’s not an idiot, he knows when he’s getting the brush off.

By this point, the damage has been done. I’ve been interrupted and I’m upset. He’s been brushed off, and he’s feeling miffed. Dooom doooooom dooooOooOOoooom.

Well, we live together… we both work at home… we typically eat dinner together and speak several times a day (ie, I do come out of my office at times, and talk to him as I’m getting a drink or nuking lunch or whatever). In a given 24 hours, we spend 22 of those hours within 20 feet of each other. It ain’t like we don’t spend time together! And before one of you say anything, we spend GOOD time together, too. We’ve explored if that was the problem, and it’s not. A typical week might involve taking a long walk together, eating dinner either out or at home where we sit and chat a couple times a week, eating dinner and watching a movie or TV show together another couple times a week, going mountain biking or kayaking together, etc. etc. We do a LOT of stuff together. IMO, that’s part of the problem - we spend SO MUCH time together that I’d really really love a good 4-8 hours a day where I’m NOT with him.

Not that I don’t love him, I do. A lot. But you try spending 24 hours a day with someone!

I like London_Calling’s idea, only he does sort of have this. He has a big ol’ garage filled with his toys - telescopes, motorcycles, even a beer fridge. He just has to be at his desk doing HIS work most of the day, not puttering in the garage.

20

For which one of you? :wink: