Twenty down, 50-some-odd to go.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Evidently I told my parents (I don’t remember this, but they claim I did, and with the result as it is, I don’t much care) they could out me to my grandmother (this would be not the enabler but my maternal grandmother). I had told my mother she could tell her sister-in-law (her brother’s wife) that while I thought it was neat-o keen that my cousin got to Eagle Scout, I would not be attending the festivities because of the position the BSA have on non-heterosexual/non-theist scoutmasters (which, if you wish to discuss, can be done either in GD or, if you’re insulted, in the Pit).

Evidently said cousin agrees with me, as do his parents and (I think) his twin sister. And my grandmother, who already has a gay niece (who has a partner, I think), evidently has no problem with my orientation, which is lovely, though I don’t know how comfortable she’d be with me … not hiding it, I guess, is the best way to put it. I don’t really know how to ask her “Hey, Grandmother, would it make you feel all icky if I said ‘Oh, look at that guy, he’s really hot’?”. That’s the sort of thing I never really imagined myself saying growing up, y’know?:slight_smile:

Anyhoo. As anyone who has read all 457,376.5 (hit the submit button instead of the preview button once, dagnabbit) of my posts will tell you if you pester them with a hot poking iron in the eye, my mother accidentally (she says, but the way she tells the story I kinda have my doubts) outed me to a decently large number of my father’s part of the family last Thanksgiving, about which (being outed) I was none too pleased … in the sense that if you’re pregnant, you want it to be your news, not your parents’. Plus the whole sexuality thing is something I tend to keep under wraps unless I can gauge possible reactions. From what she says, the reaction was basically “Well, he’s still the same person”. However, I still have no idea if someone was holding back on voicing some alternate opinion, though I sure hope nobody was. In my family, we could have someone who likes to have sex with dogs and they’d still be a few places higher on the respect ladder than some of my father’s siblings (not to mention his parents).

So. Let’s tally this up. We have aunt and uncle and their two kids and my grandmother who know on my mother’s side. And I’m gonna take a guess and say there are fifteen people on my father’s side who know (the issue of me flaming is moot since most of my father’s relatives haven’t seen me in years).

My father is the youngest of 11. I would be surprised if I had under 60 cousins. The number was around 40 when I was around five or so. That leaves approximately … ::counts::

A lot. Five blood siblings on my father’s side at least, and each one is married, and one set has eight children. And two blood siblings on my mother’s side. Only one other child there, though.

Oh God, I think I’m going to be coming out until the day I die…

It does get less stressful, right?[sub]Please tell me it gets easier. I don’t care if you lie…[/sub]

2

Ok, you’re joking, right!?!

You probably meant that IRL, but it just made me giggle.:stuck_out_tongue:

3

Well, yeah, IRL … in IRC I’m almost exclusively in either #sd or in a PM with someone FROM #sd. Plus it’s a lot easier to deal with negative reactions online, so I’m much more open there. But, for example, there’s a guy I’ve known since my freshman year of college who I’m fairly sure wouldn’t be too happy to know I was bi, and I’d really rather save myself the argument with a brick wall, so I haven’t told him. Why bother? Not like I’d date him;)

4

for those not in the know, Anahita and I talk exclusively on IRC, thus why I referenced it

5

yup, pretty much. You’ll be wondering whether to come out to the nursing home employee who’s always nice to you. Unless you become a world-famous activist, then all the people in the old folks’ home will be saying “Whoa, that’s iampunha!!! Remember him?”

Although it could depend on how important being out to every single person in your extended family is. Are there any you just plain don’t like and don’t feel obligated to tell?

(Personally, I’m content to leave my count at 3 family members. I have a couple of cousins I’d certainly invite to a commitment ceremony. However, my aunts can eat hell.)

6

Dao, there are a great many relatives I have fond dislike for, or something. Thankfully the worst of them are dead, and many others I will quite happily never see again. However, were I to bring a same-sex SO to a family gathering, said SO would be more than a friend, and it’d be nice to know how many people would be less than hospitable.

As for relatives I don’t like … I honestly don’t know most of them well enough to like or dislike them, truth be told. There are several I’ve never seen but in pictures.

7

Fergit sexual orientation. I can’t imagine my sisters saying that to either of my grandmothers, back when they were alive and well.

I think MrVisible’s OP in the “parting gift” thread, which you’ve seen, is spot on about how society’s attitudes are changing. By the time you’re ready to check yourself into the nursing home, punha, nobody will care if your SO is male or female.

8

I’ve never had news that big, but whatever it is I’m generally happy with telling my mum and a best friend and then assuming my family and friends know without going to the trouble of telling them.

Good luck with the rest of your life…

9

Shade, I think, is actually onto it.

I am not a big believer in secrets. My experience is that as sociable critters, humans are largely incapable of keeping them. Because, you see, each human has at least one other human (usually several) to whom he or she must be completely open. Which means that your secret automatically goes to those other people.

Which is why it’s a helluva lot more trouble than it’s worth trying to keep them. I haven’t bothered to hide anything for years. I generally don’t advertise much in a professional situation - I want people to know my work first - but usually it comes up naturally anyway. And that’s largely been fine. (There was a profoundly embittering experience about 9 years ago, but that’s ancient history and probably wouldn’t happen even at the same firm.)

Now, family.

I’ve been out to my Dad for close to…jeezus…19 years. Ow. [sup]move along folks, nothin’ to see here[/sup]…

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Anyway, Dad’s a widower and got remarried about 8 years ago. He of course told his wife, and within a few weeks her whole family knew. Which was fine. They’re country people who you would expect might have a problem, but at minimum they’ve been civil and most have been downright welcoming.

Now, I am “in” for one branch of my family, in Texas. I’m hoping my grandfather will die not knowing. (He’s 87 so I have at least a prayer that I’ll get my wish.) His son, my uncle, is cool - an aging hippie, really - so he’s the only one who knows down there. Much of the rest of the family is pretty close to fundamentalist, so I choose not to take the risk.

True, Uncle could tell these folks, and if it happens I’ll deal with it. But the likelihood is pretty small, since he’s no closer to them than I am. And if he does, well, I deal with it then. It’s probably no big deal, and I rather suspect I’m underestimating them.

This is all a wordy, meandering way of saying that as I’ve gotten older I’ve found it easiest to deal with people by assuming they already know. Then you don’t have to make a point of saying anything. It just comes up or it doesn’t.

10

Ahhhh, I see. You actually attend family reunions. :slight_smile:

11

My mom and dad have a funny way of dealing with it. They know. I’ve never told them, but they know. I know that they know because my mom was very worried about me after a bad breakup a few years ago and manged to tell me, in her own roundabout way, that there are “many fish in the sea” and all that. I had thought that she knew my boyfriend as just a friend - I was wrong (parents are smarter than we give them credit for being)

But anyway, back to my parents being funny about the subject - they both have a hard time dealing with anything sexual at all - gay, straight or otherwise. The fact that they have THREE kids still amazes me.

When I bring a boyfriend with me, they simply treat him as a friend. Even though we sleep in the same bedroom (mom never asks why the second bed is never slept in) and sit cuddled up on the couch together watching TV.

I guess that’s acceptance - I try never to actually discuss the subject with them. Frankly it’s none of their business, nor the rest of the family’s. I’ve had boyfiends at large family gatherings before and I think most people simply think “friend.” They can treat my boyfriend as a friend if they like - so far, nobody has treated any of them badly, so I guess everyone’s either cool with it or at least civil.

With my family - so far, no problem found.