I cannot recommend Robin McKinley’s Sunshine strongly enough as an anti-Twilight. It’s a post-apocalyptic setting, when Vampires/other undead have more or less trashed the world. Like all Robin McKinley books, the setting is unusual, vivid, and compelling, and the female lead is strong minded. It’s a really wonderful book.
Hee. Especially in Club Dead, I found myself wondering if Charlaine Harris truly thinks Sookie looks gorgeous and alluring, as she describes an outfit ideal for a trailer park ho, or if Harris means us to see Sookie as a bit naive about such things, and is using Sookie as an unreliable narrator.
The thing that annoys me is that Sookie is supposed to uneducated, or no wait, she is self-educated and well read, no scratch that - she’s uneducated, but the reason she keeps using five dollar words as narrator is that she has a Word-A-Day calendar. Yes, that’s it. Did I mention Sookie has a Word-A-Day calendar? How about Sam - he should mention it too. Hmm, it’s been four chapters since I reminded readers about that, and Sookie just said “perfidy,” so I’d better mention it again.
Of course they’re vampires (I think even Dracula went out during the day time – didn’t he?)
They’re just stupid ones.
I know, right? Head to toe fire engine red, including nails? With “sleeves” that are essentially handless gloves? Really? Really? (Seriously, that was when I had to assume, for my own sanity, that she MUST be being ironic here, right? I mean, not even in Jackson could that possibly pass for “glamour”.)
Oh god, the Word-A-Day calendar. I’m pretty sure she never made it through four whole chapters without mentioning it. Maybe two. And she’s “self-educated through genre novels”. I think the single most jarring sentence so far was something like (and I forget what she was actually doing, so I’m paraphrasing here, but you’ll get the gist) “I took a bath, by way of relaxing.” Um… no, honey (and by “honey”, I mean Charlaine Harris, not Sookie), that’s not how that sentence goes.
Also, may I take a moment to mock the cover art? Look, Sookie’s on a Magic Coffin Ride!
And yet… and yet… I’m enjoying them. I’m so ashamed.
I kind of assumed that Harris means Sookie to be dressing kind of trashy and not realizing it, because that’s Sookie’s personality and upbringing. The Word-a-Day calendar NEEDS TO GO, though.
And, thanks for pointing out that line about the trembling breast puppies or whatever. I’m only up to book 5 so far, but I would have to call that line out as the worst line in all of the books so far. Referring unironically to someone’s penis as “Mr. Happy” comes in a close second, though.
Oh lord. There are trembling breast puppies still to come?
I’ll move it up on the To read shelf. I got it after a positive NPR review.
Well, since there’s no such thing as “real” vampires, I guess we have to revert to folklore, but the bottom line is this: vampires are monsters. They are supposed to be, if not downright evil, at least creatures of darkness and violence. The Twilight Vampires, aka Clan Cullen, are basically superheroes with icky dietary habits. There’s no down side to vampirism in her world. They’re rich, perfect, glamorous, and good, they live forever, they have great sex, etc. The only bad thing is that they have to drink blood of some kind, and they sparkle in the sun. Hell, the males can even father children! It does seem to fly in the face of what “vampire” has always meant. So sure, they’re vampires, they’re just spectacularly lame, ill-conceived, contrived ones.
So it’s like if the Gossip Girl or 90210 kids became vampires. The only angst seems to be who’s sleeping with whom.
Just popping to say that the *Women of the Otherworld *series is written by Kelley Armstrong.
Yes, here’s a real folklore story told to me
"A young maiden died on her wedding day, after being left at the altar by a cad, who seduced her by a promise to marry, etc. Broken heart or suicide? Anyway, the A/H Emperor had sent a young RC priest to take the place of the good and holy Orthodox priest. The ignorant and arrogant RC priest refused to let the girl be buried in consecrated ground. She was buried in her wedding gown and veil. That (?) night, she crept out and went to the door of the cad, and asked to be let in, promising more kisses. He was such a cad he hadn’t even know she died, so he let her in- an important detail here is that she wore her veil so he couldn’t see her face, which was of course horrible. She drank his blood and floated back to her grave. And the way she told it “And the maiden crept and crept up to the door, her eyes glowing under her veil, and scratched to be let in “I have more kisses for you, don’t you want my kiiiisssses”. So he looked through the window and saw her there in her white wedding dress, her face covered by her veil. And since he had been to Vienna (said with a scornful note)and wasn’t scared of peasant tales, he let her in. And the last thing he felt was her cold as the grave hands on his neck, and the last thing he smelt was her breath like that of the charnel house, and the last thing he saw was her eyes, exposed at last from under her veil, glowing red in the dark like those of the hounds of hell…” The next night she arose again, and went to her home, she scratched upon the window shutter of her youngest brother (portrayed as around our age, 8-12 or so), crying she was so cold and thirsty, and he let her in, in his ignorance. Now, she didn’t want to hurt her little brother but the hunger rose in her. She fell upon him, but she was crying also as she didn’t want to do this- so the family broke in and drove her off/she fled. The details of was she physical or just a ghost is a little unclear.
The family went to the RC priest who laughed at them and their ignorant peasant folklore. So the family went to my family (the local lords), who sent out Cossacks to find the Orthodox Priest (this was very exciting as the Cossack had to ride in all direction, riding their horses to death as they needed to find the Father before the moon rose!). They found the holy man living as a hermit and then they (Cossacks, Voivode, family, hermit and all) went to the suicides graveyard, and while the Cossacks held back the RC priest, they all dug up the maiden’s body- which when they pulled back her veil appeared flushed with life and with blood on her lips, and dirt under her long nails. Of course, this was just as the moon was rising! The Cossacks staked her and much fresh blood came out. Then the Orthodox hermit blessed her and they reburied her with all ceremony in the consecrated graveyard. The young Jesuit left that day, never to be seen again. The Holy Father returned to his rightful position as spiritual leader, they buried the cad in the appropriate manner and everyone lived happily ever after."
Hardly a sexy creature.
They’re even coming out with Twilight BARBIE – Edward and Bella. And the Edward doll sparkles. :rolleyes:
I can’t tell if you’re joking or not. That’s how pathetic this Twilight phenomenon is.
She’s not joking, and those dolls cost $90! Order now in time for Xmas!
Ugh. I honestly want to take Edward doll and mutilate him. Bella doll looks like a generic Barbie with dark hair but Edward looks like such a tool.
What a coincidence…
Well, I mean, I can’t really hate on Barbie-Bella. It’s just a plastic doll. What is it about Edward that makes me want to do horrible things to him? Even in doll form?
Mr. (Ken)Cullen, prepare to meet Mister Mossberg 
This would be worth video-ing and putting on YouTube, just to piss off the TwiTards, if only the sodding useless piece of plastic wasn’t so expensive, heck, a whole series of “Cullen Ballistic Tests” could be done…
Doll at 50 yards (with tiny blindfold around it’s eyes), fired at by .22LR, or .223, .308, .30-06, etc…
Doll at 10 yards (blindfolded) fired at by 9mm, .357 Magnum or .45ACP
Doll placed in trap thrower and launched on a trap range, meets a cloud of #7 birdshot from a 12-gauge…
Are you sure they didn’t just accidentally switch the labels with the new Barbie Mary Sue and her husband Marty Stu line? I mean, it’d be pretty hard to tell.
And yes, that Edward doll instills a very… strange urge to place it surreptitiously in the microwave.