At my last job standard policy was 3 days. However, we once had a co-worker whose wife was diagnosed with cancer. She was told she had a few weeks at best.
We were all allowed (300 employees) to donate vacation time, if we desired, to our co-worker so that he could be with his wife during her final days without financial worries. He ended up with over 8 weeks of paid vacation time. Sadly, he didn’t need to use all of it. 
“I’m very sorry to hear about what happened. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If I can help out, let me know.”
Don’t attempt to commiserate, or share your own stories of loss. If she wants to talk more, let her. If she wants to grieve silently, respect that.
One of my coworkers lost one of pair of twins at birth. I didn’t know him well but still I made a point of saying something like the above to him when he came back to work. Two years later when I was leaving the company, he told me that out of 80-some-odd employees, only myself and one other person had come forward to offer their condolences after the death of his child … .
Does he normally work on Saturday and Sunday? It doesn’t sound like it, since you said if the funeral had been on a Tuesday, he would have had to be back on Friday. So how can they count Saturday and Sunday as part of his 3 days off? Actually, if the funeral is on a Thursday and he isn’t expected back until Monday, and the Saturday and Sunday ARE supposed to be counted, then the company is giving him Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. That’s 4 days. Which is not bad at all. (Not “not bad” in that he’s going to “get over” anything - it’s not bad as a benefit. Most companies that I know of give 3 days max.)
And I doubt they are expecting him to “get over” her death in 3 days or 4 days or whatever. It’s merely the time that they provide for someone to be out in this circumstance. Perhaps he could take additional time unpaid?
My grandmother died while I was working on my last job. Company policy was 2 days off for immediate family. I was told if I left, I wouldn’t have a job to come back to. A few months later, a co-worker’s cousin died. She got a week off, paid. I don’t work for those bastards anymore. Happily, my current job would allow me 4 days paid, and the ability to take vacation and sick leave. I’m much happier here.
I’m with Anthracite on this one.
Small Company so I had a bit of leeway if I chose to use it.
Being kinda old, I have had Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, Father, my Daughter, friends and their family members close and not so close die.
For my Dad, I took the 4-5 days before because we knew he was dying and I was holding his hand in his bed room at 11:44 AM when he died. That evening I was teaching a class that needed doing and it was good for me to do it. I spread his ashes from the air on Sunday and was back working on Monday.
When my Daughter was murdered, I took off partial days and just kept on as best I could, If I had stopped, well, it would not have been good.
For others, just say and do what feels right and don’t take too much personally, try to see what they want and do that.
None of it is easy, but there is not much that can be done to change it.
My Mom is 83 and has cancelled all funerals until her own. Works for her.
When my sister killed herself last year, I was told I had 5 paid days. I rented a car and sped off to California to help my brothers clean her place out and to console my parents. They were pretty much in shock and couldn’t get themselves together long enough to be of much help.
Three days later I received a call on my cell from my boss saying company policy had changed, and I could either get back the next day or take time off unpaid.
It really irked me. I mean, I can see that life goes on and the job still needs to be done, but damn. Give people some time to come out of the shock a little and grieve properly. I think a week is not unreasonable, particularly if a sudden death occurs rather than an expected one from age/illness.
When my dad died, I honestly don’t remember how much time I took off. It’s all sort of a blur. But I was working for the state, and I think bereavement leave was lumped in with sick leave/family leave. So I could be out as long as I had enough leave accumulated to cover it. And, honestly, I think if I’d needed it, I could have used my vacation leave, too. My boss was pretty easy going that way. Now if I needed to take leave without pay, I don’t know what would have happened.
(I left work early the Friday my dad died, and his funeral was the following Thursday. The next day was my mom’s birthday, and I went to her sister’s house with her that day. But if I went to work anytime between when dad died and the funeral, I honestly don’t remember it. It’s gone.)
CherryBomb, that’s awful you got the call in the middle of everything. Crass doesn’t behin to describe that.
When my first husband died, I was given 2 weeks off with pay, and was allowed to use whatever sick or vacation time I had to take whatever time I needed off, or could use unpaid time. I also had co-workers who donated a lot of vacation time to me when I was completely falling apart. My co-workers ROCKED.
A year ago, when I was working for the University Hospital here, my older sister died of a long illness. I was allowed to take unpaid or vacation time to go to London for the funeral, but was only given one paid beravement day.
Currently, both my grandparents are in the hospital and neither is expected to live more than a few weeks. I’m given no paid time for my current job, but since I’m only part time, I will be allowed whatever unpaid time I want. My boss also bought me a transferrable/changable/whatever plane ticket on the company’s time to go to PA, where they are and where the funeral will be. He rocks too.
Thanks Smashed, and ya, I thought it was fairly rude as well. He was quite the jerk about it too, which is unusual as he’s generally pretty laid back as far as taking time off. Maybe he was irritated by it as well and it came through to me. shrug
When I get out of my corporate servitude (i.e. when my house is paid off) and I start my own business, I will definitely have more consideration for my people than corporate America does. A happy person is a productive person, right?
I’m glad to see that some places still value the people that are doing the work over the bottom line.
At a previous job, my boss was an Englishman who’d lived in Japan for over 20 years, and was a combination of the worst managerial stereotypes of both countries. It was like watching a live performance of Monty Python’s Upper-Class Twit skit sometimes.
Immediate family member: one day for the funeral ceremony. Anyone else, use your own vacation time.
Considering how generous my current boss was when I went into the hospital, I’d probably be given as much time as I needed, plus at least half the office would come to the funeral (we’ve all met everyone else’s spouses, partners and kids).
Offical company policy here is three days.
When my brother was dying, I took a month off to help my sister in law around the house - she was working some days, so I cooked, helped my brother out etc. I used all my sick days. The company knew that I wasn’t sick and was using the days to help the family out and be close to them. They had no problem with it. FMLA didn’t cover me because he was my brother, I lived in a different state, etc. I will forever be greatful to them for supporting me during that tough tough time.
Three days.
Three days seems fine to me, because it’s the MINIMUM amount, not an absolute maximum. If I lost someone I have no doubt whatsoever that if I needed a little more time, I’d get it.
My boss lost his son a few months ago. He was off for a week and a half and nobody batted an eye. Half the office went to the service without taking leave. Including the president and CEO (to my surprise.)
There is also the fact that it’s good for someone not to leave work for too long. A week or two is one thing, but if it drags out longer it may hurt you to be away from work more than it helps.
My company gives us 5 days for immediate family, 3 days for extended family, and even 1 day (or even just a couple of hours to go to a funeral) for close friends. They’re pretty human so I’m sure they don’t have a problem with people taking extra unpaid time off if needed.
I think we get 5 for mother, father, sibling, grandmother, grandfather…
Two days. Man, that’s harsh.
We get 3 days for immediate family, nothing for anybody else. But I work for a small, family owned company, so I could really take as much time as I wanted. They’re pretty good about that sort of thing here.
Pardon my sayin’ so, Cherrybomb, but your boss needs his ass kicked good and proper.
When my mother died, company policy was three days. I took a week to help my father and sister with arrangements and general moral support, and my boss told me he couldn’t pay me for anything over three days… but to take as much time as I needed; the job would be there when I got back.
So I’ve been a recruiter for government contracting firms for several years. I get a lot of crap about this, since most recruiters don’t know shit about IT. But I love what I do, I got my clearance and a few IT certifications, and it was working for me.
Less than a month and a half ago my father died unexpectedly, of a stroke or anuerysm. We don’t know yet. I took a little time off, but when this happened I was also covering for the only other recruiter at my company, so my workload was doubled.
I really just couldn’t take it. I used what two or three days I had for bereavement leave, but my company’s policy specifies that those days are only for the funeral. Whereas grief sets in on its own schedule.
In the following weeks, I had a lot of trouble. Since age 17, I’ve had depression (28 now) and I hate even saying those words. Depressed is most girls my age when they get dumped, for me it is that I just disconnect from everything and time skips by me like a stone across a pond. It doesn’t feel scary or bad or sad, it doesn’t feel like anything. And that is the very physical part of having a chemical imbalance-I hate using the word depressed because it conjours emotion or sentiment, and that isn’t what it is for me.
After my dad died suddenly, the depression I’d had under control for a long time just grew into a monster. On some level I could recognize the symptoms and objectively know, hey, you should still care about work! Career has always ruled me first. But I just literally couldn’t especially in the first month.
Today I got dual bad news. Firstly, my work is putting me on a performance improvement plan. I’ve never gotten so much as a less than A+ performance review, ever. Secondly, I found out that at a moment when I felt so overwhelmed and asked my HR representative about leave, she TOLD OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING MY SUPERVISOR.
I cant tell which part of this shit sandwich is worst: getting told I suck at my job when career has always been first for me, my dad being dead out of the blue, or having random medical information being traded among my colleagues like pokemon cards.
I’m so fed up, and I have no idea what to do.
Zombies are already dead. No time off needed. Sorry couldn’t resist.
Very sorry you’re having to deal with this crap, jtbominable. If, as I suspect, you’re not reepresented by a union, you may wish to consult with a labor attorney. On the face of it, there may have been a HIIPA violation.
jtbominable, welcome to the Straight Dope and I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. The job-related stuff sounds very stressful too.
Can you speak to your supervisor about the performance improvement plan, and ask for details about causes and expectations, bearing in mind that you’ve always shown excellent performance in the past? And can you talk to somebody else in HR about whether telling your supervisor about your query was a procedural violation, and if so, what can be done about it?
I won’t derail this zombie thread further with non-Pitty posts about your specific situation, but best of luck.