They lived happily ever after. …Well, no, not happily.
The lawnmower sounded quite different this afternoon when I started it. Oh, of course, I forgot to clean the neighbor kid out of the blades, stupid me!
They lived happily ever after. Just not very long.
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were chatting in the forest. “So tell me Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”
One of my favorites:
Walking into the deep, dark woods the clown said to the little boy, “You’re scared? I have to walk back out all by myself!”
Sherman stumbled out of the WABAC machine and collapsed to the floor, a hatchet buried in his head.
“Things are going to be very different around here from now on, Sherman old boy,” chuckled The Ripper, dropping what was left of the bespectacled – and bloodied – dog-corpse next to the dead young man.
After inspecting the inert form, the doctor turned and said, “It’s a mutant, all right. But it’s not the one I created…”
-“BB”-
All day long, the news on the TV kept talking about some strange people running around outside. Then the doorbell rang.
“It’s okay, darling,” he said, turning the spit. “When things get better, we can always make another baby.”
Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.
“That’s one small step for man… One giant leap for… OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!”
Sarah’s hand started to hurt as she kept slapping the button that was supposed to disconnect Skynet and abort the nuclear holocaust. The video displays all showed the missiles heading doggedly for their marks – after all, Judgment Day was inevitable – when she screamed to the empty command center, "I AM SO SICK OF THIS SH
Seems a shame to follow Burpo’s post with anything, but here’s mine:
When I heard the noise a third time, I cried out, “Who’s there?!” After a few seconds of unbearable silence, the lights suddenly went out.
When the lights went out, I felt a wave of panic wash over me. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to calm down… until something breathed warm air on my neck.
“Light, I need light!” he cried.
And a light was handed to him.
As the spaceships’ doors closed on their screaming cargos, the alien turned to the horrified onlookers and said: “We told you - Mars needs women. All of them.”
"Aziz, LIGHT!
“Much better; thank you, Aziz.”
“Hello, Mr. Smith. It is with regret I have to inform you that you tested positive for the zombie virus.”
Billy sat on his bed, practically in a fugue state, staring at his report card with the one bad grade that was going to cost him another finger. He could barely focus on the five "A"s and the “B+”, wondering how he could be so stupid.
Tracy had been warned repeatedly against playing hide-and-seek behind the door at the top of the cellar stairs: they were steep, they were narrow and it would be so easy, in the Stygian gloom, to misstep and tumble all the way to the bottom, where a broken neck would greet you on the hard-packed dirt floor.
What floated in the blackness of her favorite hiding place this time, waiting to spirit Tracy away, was simply indescribable – and the dark wasn’t helping much.
(Relayed to our first grade Catholic school class by Sister DM.)
Cricket-sized ants. Billions of them.