Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978),you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen’s Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip).
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible: * Combat Jacket * Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim) * Tin helmet * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers) * Gas mask * Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do) * Rifle * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
- Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch: * The Guns of Navarone * Kelly’s Heroes * A Bridge too Far * The Longest Day * Apocalypse Now * The Matrix * Blazing Saddles * The Desert Song * Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
G Hoon, Ministry of Defence
A Bush - Blair Production, sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III