Ike just E-mailed me that he was leaving for the weekend, won’t be back till Weds. I’m stuck here for another two hours.
Quick, while he’s not looking—let’s spread rumors about him behind his back!
I hear HE’S the one Mayor Guiliani is REALLY leaving his wife for!
Hee hee hee . . . Yank MY chain, willya, ya big lug?
I heard he’s Jerry Springer’s brother, but is so ashamed of ole’ Jer, he disowned him. ::shakes head piteously::
Actually, I heard that Ike is Jerry Springer, or at least stands in for Jerry Springer when the latter is feeling sick. In fact, most of the raunchy, idiotic shows were done because Springer was sick and Ike insisted on having people fight. He’s the one who made talk tv so trashy.
And I hear he spends his days off watching Thundercats and Scooby-Doo.
Is it true that Ike is the one who broke up Brad and Jennifer? And Hugh and Liz? AND Dennis and Meg?
And that Zsa Zsa says, “I vill never marry again till I can have ze Ukulele Ike?” And that Mickey Rooney said the same thing?
I heard he posted pictures of himself on the Net “playing his ukulele.”
Not only did he break up Dennis and Meg, he broke up Dennis and Carmen. And Sprint and WorldCom. And threatened to eat Lennox Lewises imaginary children
(If I had a picture of him, I’d Photoshop it over the face of the federal agent rescuing Elian.)
He shot Kennedy.
He’s Petula Clark’s singing voice.
He has two subscriptions to Tiger Beat, one for the office and one at home for what he calls “Uke Time.”
He secretly thinks Jennifer Love Hewitt has the ability to pull off a Rita Hayworthesque career.
“He shot Kennedy.”
—Joan Kennedy.
He has very bad aim.
I’ve heard that he claims to be a big-shot NYC editor, but actually he works for Harlequin, specializing in Pirate Romances. He is in charge of approving the degree of décolletage appropriate for the covers of the paperbacks you see in your supermarket aisle, and the euphemisms allowed to describe the hero’s hot manhood pressing against the heroin’s thigh. He is the one responsible for maintaining the barrier that separates Harlequin from Penthouse Forum. In addition he does historical fact checking and prevents egregious errors such as an author writing about a duel between Captain Kidd and Jean Lafitte, with Jean Lafitte calling Captain Kidd a “nimrod” and referring to himself a “gnarly dude.”
It is the nature of his work that has driven him to excess drinking (in his defense I hasten to add that it would drive any man to drink.) Witness his expertise with various liqueurs in the “Get your cocktail from Ukulele Ike” thread. Sometimes one can see him shambling through the naked city at dawn, cursing at young lovers and throwing bottles at moonstruck teenagers on their first dates. Anytime he sees a valentine’s heart he starts shaking uncontrollably and several people are needed to restrain him. What was once a proud and erudite man is now an empty, broken shell.
One can see an example of his work at this page:
How to write a Harlequin romance
After he completed these editorial guidelines he disappeared for seven days. He was finally found by his distraught colleagues hiding in a bar in Mexico, and screaming “they can’t make me come back!” Fortunately for him medical standards are not so strict over the border and a few doctors were found who were able to give him the appropriate medication to overcome his lunatic ravings, and he is now back at work.
I heard that he used to eat worms back in JHS to impress his peers.
Also, he’s really Kenny G.
Arnold, I know the REAL story. Ike doesn’t even edit Romance Novels—he would be delighted to move up to Romance Novels!
He is the guy standing outside the Knopf building in a cow suit with a chef’s hat, holding a big EAT AT BURGER HEAVEN sign. Since he’s in front of the Knopf building, he likes to think “he’s in publishing.”
Oh yeah, well I heard that he secretly plays the guitar in an alternative rock band.
Jeffery
Well, I’m leaving early after all. See y’all Wednesday!
Now you can start whispering about me behind MY back . . .
—“Lady Audley”
I heard that Eve used to eat worms back in JHS to impress her peers.
Also, she’s really Kenny G.
And many don’t know this, but she hangs out in some religious cult and spells her name backwards to hide her identity.
I heard he was livin’ la vida loca with Ricky Martin.
And that Eve was one of the writers for Small Wonder.
He’s really a bad professional wrestler.
V.
Hmmm. Did you notice? First Ike leaves and then Eve leaves, strategically just a little while later.
Oldest trick in the book.
“Ike and Eve sittin’ in a tree…”
I heard that Ike and Eve are one in the same. He/she has split personallities.
Viper