Ultimate Sarcastic Answer Theatre

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

** At what point should police use lethal force?**

  • Early, and often.

Was Kingdom of Heaven a sleeper?

  • I’m not sure, I dozed off during the opening credits.

Any Fulltime Writers?

  • We’re fresh out, I’m afraid.

How to get the funky mildewy smell out of my sneakers?

  • Try removing your feet from them.

Why do fireworks always look like they’re coming down at you?

  • Your perspective is a little biased, Mr. Hussein.

What if the Information Age had started earlier?

  • You get memo? We put cover slab on TPS reports now.

Why Did the Car Dealer Act This Way?

  • The Stanislavsky Method.
2

How many consultants work at your company?

  • Oh, about half of them…
3

Oh, a sarcasm thread! That’s never been done before!

4

I love these! Although I can never think of anything good enough to put in here. But I love reading other people’s answers.

5

In MPSIMS:

That Annoying Old Man- What Exactly Is He Doing?

-I don’t want to know, and I don’t think you do either.

Attack of the 50 foot Sequential Threads

-Oh no, I’m soooo scared. :rolleyes:

What is the name of this skirt/dress?

-It usually goes by Ulysses Hobart Maximillian Frunchomper the Fourth, but its friends call it Fred.

Houston Doper meeting in January?

-No.

In The Pit:

WTF is it with this forum and "Og?"

-Well, sniff to be honest, we and Og are, you know, having some issues right now. So we would appreciate it if you could just leave us alone, okay?

(or, alternately)

-OG SMASH!

Stop Calling Me

-But we like you!

6

Ultimate Sarcastic Answer Theater

Sure, you would consider this the “ultimate”.

7

Who is the leaker in the NSA and CIA prison stories?

Do we really have to talk about somebody’s urological problems in this forum?

8

Is a contact lens actually a lens?

  • No, it’s a species of primate. :rolleyes:

Poll: What’s under your bed

  • The floor.

What’s on your antenna?

  • Your mom.
9

This one seems to invite several “answers”:

Anodizing Titanium Question

• Yeah, like nobody ever asked that question before. :rolleyes:

• :: I’ll ask the mods to move this to the Anodized Titanium Forum ::

• Band name !!! :smiley:

10

This one answered itself:

Poll: What’s Under Your Bed? By: Dead Cat

:stuck_out_tongue:

11

What is your church doing to change public perception?
We tried offering pancake suppers after Black Mass, but I think we’ll have to go further than that.

Help me buy a notebook computer…cheap
You couldn’t afford my consultation fee.

Ladies, I present to you the New Semi Gay Ken Doll.
Shirley Ujest. (OP and comeback in one.)

That Annoying Old Man- What Exactly Is He Doing?
Annoying people?

What do the calories consist of in zero carb alcohol?
Small dense particles known as drunkons.

How should I file my taxes this year? (E-file? Tax software?)
Don’t trust those computers. Make a grrreeeeat big paper airplane and fling it in the direction of IRS district headquarters. Good luck!

Test thread, test post.
You passed. Congratulations. Now post something worth reading.

Which is worse: drinking a lot of beer everyday or the equivalent whisky?
Depends which you care about least: your waistline or your wallet.

Penis Yeast?
No thanks, I never touch the stuff.

Do we really want SCOTUS confirmations to go like this?
No, let’s set them to the music of Gilbert and Sullivan.

How big a problem is pedophilia, really?
Hey, if you have a car and a bag of candy, it’s a piece of cake.

Sitcoms with laugh tracks that are actually funny
If you find laugh tracks funny in themselves, you need psychiatric help.

What if the Information Age had started earlier?
Too much information.

I need more fun sites to visit. Recommend me a site.
http://www.howdoyoukeepanidiotinsuspense.com. Hours of fun. Trust me.

Do you let your significant other in the bathroom while you’re on the toilet?
You let her in the bathroom? God, you’re pathetic. Grow a pair.

What job search engine to use? Monster, HotJobs, CareerBuilder, other?
I recommend cluelessunemployedloser.com. You should feel right at home.

12

Is anybody still playing Star Wars Galaxies?
Just you and that other guy living in his mom’s basement

Best Kinks Albums
The one they didn’t record

** bastardized work from book to screen?**
They’re doing art based on your life?

Help me ID this story about Satan defeating God
Roe v. Wade

Irish Oatmeal
1 part oats, 1 part whiskey

So how is the NHL doing?
Fine, now that you’ve stopped calling

A job dilemma- should I stay or should I go, now?
Joe Strummer died, try Big Audio Dynamite again.

Must I participate in the spoiling of your kids?
You’re the one who forgot to put them back in the 'fridge

What is your calendar of?
Usually the days and dates that make up the year.

I try to become Gay for Science.
Science says it likes you just the way you are and appreciates the thought, but still only wants to be friends.

Jumping in the name change bandwagon
Changing your name won’t make people like you any better.

Hell yeah! School’s out tomorrow!
You’ll get that GED in no time.

Dumbest reason for lack of nookie I can think of
Aside from you being the only option?

Jesus says it’s WRONG to kill!
But the voices in your head say otherwise?

driver’s safety help???
Put down the cell phone.

Sports fans vs. LARPers: Who’s lamer?
The person who thinks there’s some real difference.

13

I’m looking for a five-foot plastic shark…
You’re gonna need a smaller boat.

How much credit card fraud isn’t really fraud?
None?

How much does smoking cigarettes cost you annually?
A few hundred dollars. Luckily, I won’t have to pay it for too many years.

Really, REALLY stupid question about piss tests
No; style doesn’t count.

Have you ever had a horoscope that was right on?
“Today you will be plagued by stupid questions.”

What is your calendar of?
Mine has the months on it.

Is this a normal child’s behavior?
It depends. Is that the blood of his enemies, or yours?

14

Many thanks, iamthewalrus(:3=. Kudos

15

From Is this joke funny?

robardin: my own wife got so snippy with me that I began addressing her as “Your Pregnancy”, which she inexplicably found irritating even after 10 or 11 times.

NoClueBoy: … DAMN! Your wife has been pregnant 11 times!?

16

Ooooh, a sarcasm detector. That’s a GREAT invent…BOOM!

17

Great. All over the new rug. I suppose I have to clean it up.

18

Yeah, because the hamsters will totally act as your personal maid service. :rolleyes:

19

Odd smells you love.
Maybe you should just tell your SO they need to shower more often

Gag “Napoleon Dynamite” gifts for a 12-year-old?
I’m not trying to swallow movie merchandise for anyone, regardless of their age

How to get the most money selling used CDs
Steal someone else’s CDs

What Is the Relationship Between These People?
They all don’t care for you.

Rabbit meat
Duck meat

On what basis does Iran deny the Holocaust?
They hate Jews

What is your church doing to change public perception?
Not molesting children

What does it mean to “have a life”?
Go outside and find out

Why is it so fucking hard to get a working computer?
Because you touch yourself
I could do this all day…

20

Gauged piercing question (warning: stupid)
Actually, Federal Law prevents brain peircings.

Urine is dark orange. Is this bad?
It’s better than blue.

Should/can the Security Council do something about Iran?
Yes/No. Respectively.

Why do fireworks always look like they’re coming down at you?
Gravity.