Um, that is what I told you, ya dumb fuck

So at work a case came in regarding our web engine. The customer created a set of web pages but for some reason when you go to the site it takes you to the default pages instead of their fancy dancy new pages the customer created.

I take a look and quickly figure out that the web dev guys for the customer are doing a ton of scripting and they are popping cookies all over the place. Right after that I figure out that it is the cookies that is causing the problem, the cookies are causing the browser to lose a session variable. Since the variable is gone, it goes back to the default site. I call the contact on the case. I explain, very nicely, that their cookies are causing the problem and it not actually a problem with our product.

At that point the customer does his best imitation of a three year old. He throws a fit, almost screaming that it isn’t the cookies, it is *OUR * fault, etc. I nicely ask him to edit the existing site to stop the cookies and see what happens. He says he already did that and it didn’t work. I state that I can’t do any further troubleshoot until stops the cookies.

So this morning I check email. The asshole webdev apparently called pissed off and got the case escalated to the developer. Guess what the developer finds? Turn off the cookies and all works well. It turns out the dev platform the customer is using does some really odd shit with cookies.

Gah! That is what I told to start with ya fucktard. I am not making this shit up to get you off my back, I am telling you what the fucking cause of the problem is. The fact that you don’t like it doesn’t change the fact that it IS the cause of the problem.


Are you sure? Do you think the problem might have actually been the cookies?

Mmmm. cookies. I like oreos.

But. . . but. . .but-- it would be so much easier for me if it was you and not my page! Do you know what it took to develope this page? And my webpage designer is crazy! Please don’t make me talk to him again.

Now that the site is working you should subtly screw with it everyday until the idiot developer goes insane. He/She deserves it.

It sounds to me as though the customer was both frustrated and out of his depth.

I would be more tolerant in your position to be frank.

And I’m pretty sure he was on the phone. But this is the pit, where we’re allowed to say such things.

And you know what? Being frustrated and out of your depth is no excuse for not trying something that a person asks to see if it works. When I call in to Microsoft, I’ll still try it even if I’m pretty sure that’s not the problem, because it may be.

You know, being frustrated and out of one’s depth is simply not an excuse, period. The guy threw a tantrum and refused to do the troubleshooting that was requested of him. I would be inclined to be less tolerant of an asshole who is out of his depth and too stupid to follow instructions and fix his problem. Meh…

You’d like to believe that, wouldn’t you. Let me tell you, after years of getting the same call over and over again; of talking to people who just don’t know what the hell they’re doing and have no interest in finding out the cause of the problem; of idiots demanding to talk to a developer after you’ve told them the solution & no one in management having the sack to tell him “Dude - do what the first guy told you to do!” your tolerance levels go down.

Try this phrase: “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.” It won’t help, but it might make you feel better.

Cookies are evil.

Especially those new Oreo mint covered in chocolate. Oh god, I could eat a box in one sitting. They are better than Girl Scout thin mints.

Oh, and browser cookies are overused too.

I work retail…

Part of my job is selling Sump Pumps (they remove the water that collects under your house in wet climates).

Every second customer wants a “good high powered sump pump” and then wants to have a fitting which will turn their sump pump output from a 2 inch diaimeter pipe into a garden hose sized fitting. I tell them, "we don’t sell those… they burn out your pump. "

They say"My last pump was a 2 hp model guarenteed for 20 yrs, it burnt out after 2 yrs!"

I ask them if they had it "swedged down to a garden hose " for output… They say “Yes, thats why I want the reducer”.

I tell them “That’s why we don’t sell reducers.”

I show them the 1/8 HP pumps that are made for garden hose connections.

They say “I want a 2 HP (Horse Power, BTW)… that can use a garden hose!”

I tell them they want a 600 HP car that only goes 5 miles an hour…
and so on

I can provide the service that’s written on my business card.

I can be the caring nanny who nods patiently at every inane piece of idiocy that comes out of your mouth.

I can be the servile whipping boy who puts up with your indecisive crap without complaint.

If you want all three, then you’re going to be charged triple.

(What makes this job bearable is that we don’t just threaten this, we actually do it.)

Actually the customer was frustrated, out of his depth, stupid, annoying, unable to accept the truth, unable to listen to advice and rude.
Did I mention stupid and rude?

I wuold be looking for better customers.

Full Metal Lotus, that reminds me of my Radio Shack days. A mother/teen daughter pair come in asking about plug adapters for a trip to Europe. I mention they need the more expensive voltage reducer and plug package, or the really expensive high current model, if they want to use a hair dryer. The daughter claims you only need the plug adapters, that’s what she used for her last trip to Europe. Fast forward 5 minutes or so and…

Mom - “Didn’t your hair dryer catch fire during that trip?”
Me - “Sigh.”
Them - “Thanks for all the help, we’ll go buy it at WalMart now, since it’s cheaper there.”

See, this is the problem. The ‘customer’ is a web developer (snicker) and supposedly a professional. This isn’t some schmoe off the street who bought our software. This guy is supposed to know what the hell he is doing as he is getting paid lots of money to do his job. But, as he apparently can’t do his job without my help, he ought to listen when I TELL HIM THAT HIS CODE IS FUCKING THINGS UP.

Our product works. We know this as we have tons of customers who use it without a problem. This particular fucktard took our product and added crap to it and suddenly it stops working. So the progression is:

Product works
Fucktard adds ‘enhancement’ to product
Product no longer works.

It doesn’t take a whole lot of thinking to figure out where the problem lies.

I was nice enough to go figure out that it was the cookies, which is above and beyond what I have to do*. Then the fucktard has the balls to LIE about what he has done to troubleshoot the issue. He said he tried it without the cookies and the problem still existed. That is bullshit. Rule #1 when asking for assistance troublshooting a problem is DON’T LIE.

I did speak with him on the phone the next day. I got a halfassed appology, “Sorry we got a little heated about this…”. Well, fucktard, I didn’t get upset, it was you and my original diagnosis was correct.


*I could have stripped the site back to the default config, showed him that it worked and then told him to find the problem himself. Instead I tried to be nice. Last time I’ll ever do that for this fuckhead. Oh, rule #2 is do not piss the support staff. We can be nice. We can also decide to make life much, much harder for you.

I fell wirth your porblem doing customer service myslef for a big website, most of our userbase know about as much about the internet and computers as my gandmother who getting confused about her oldfashion raidos 3 buttons…

and they constantly blame us for there problem, when about 2 mins of looking into it and all logics says its on there end.

Its horrible, sometimes you just laugh at there stupidity! but mostly its a big round of crying out for mercy.

oh, and in a week im on the phone (currently im blessed with only emails) for roughly the same userbase!

Sounds like he handled it pretty nicely to me.

Well, I don’t think any of us really want to be Frank.

As a matter of fact, I don’t think Frank really wants any of us to be him.

Edit: Early morning snarkiness removed for tastier browsing.