Ah, so the new unemployment figures came out. And they were down. So that means that more people have jobs, right?
Wrong! It means less people are accepting government unemployment benefits. Not everyone fired accepts those benefits. The benefits run out, so those of us who’ve been unable to get jobs for a long time don’t count. You measure the flux in the population of the job market via payroll figures, not unemployment.
But surely the analysts from the TV and newspapers know this, right? I mean, they’re not going to come out, beam at the camera, and praise the news as a sign that more people are finding jobs. I mean, these are experts. They wouldn’t just grin at the camera and say this is a perfect time to buy stock, especially from their parent and sister companies, would they?
Yes, yes they motherfuckingly well would! Leading to the following conversation with my friends, relatives, neighbors, and the guy I used to work with who thinks that anyone without a job must be some lazy putz.
“Hey, did you see the new unemployment figures? Things are looking up!”
“No, theyre not. Unemployment is solely a measure of the direct economic costs to the taxpayer of current joblessness. Payrolls measure the performance of the job market. And being a professional, the only thing that would help me is when payrolls start going up in the industrial sector, cause that’s what I work in.”
“Nu uh. I heard Lou Dobbs say so. Then he told me to go buy a thousand shares of DobbCo stock. That’s not insider trading, is it?”
Why, why would a supposedly merciful god either inflict these lying degenerates on the news media, or inflict people incapable of understanding and following the economy for themselves as my personal circle??? Fuck these suit-clad know-nothings! Fuck them in their stupid asses!!!
Phew. Much better now. I almost forgot I spent high school as a dateless virgin, gave myself an ulcer getting through two tiers of higher education, and sent off so many resumes I can’t even remember which jobs I’ve already applied for any more. Where’d I leave that bottle of whiskey?