I teach remedial math to high school seniors, and one of my more sharp tacks asked me the other day…
wait for it…
“Who was the guy that shot Kennedy out the window of the book suppository?”
All I want to know is who is supposed to be teaching them vocab?
Anybody else ever mix up words in a really unfortunate way?
One time I was talking to my ex-wife and I meant to say, “What are you doing for the holidays this year?”
But it came out, “You ruined my life you fucking bitch!!”
[sub] – yeah, yeah. an oldie but a goodie.[/sub]
How about verbal omissions? At work a couple of months ago, a guy at work was trying to explain how our coworker was ignoring a couple of us and not taking us seriously. Unfortunately, he left out the word “off”. He said loudly at the office, and I quote, “Yeah, she just keeps blowing you guys all day long!” We all died laughing.
Not strictly a single-word substitution, but I once heard my employer make an amusing gaffe while telling an irritated customer why their equipment wasn’t delivered on time.
He conflated the terms “short-handed” and “under-staffed,” and explained to the customer that we were “under-handed.” What made it so funny was his sincere tone of voice: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we’re very under-handed today.” I had to leave the room, in order to properly bust a gut. 
I was working customer service on a busy night at the call center once. I’d been having to put a lot of customers on hold, it was very late and I was distracted, and ended up answering a call with “Thank you for calling Company Name Here, this is Angela, how may I hold you?”
Oops.
Geez, and the worst I’ve managed to do is in an email to my very prim and proper uptight Catholic schoolgirl type best friend, write “well, it’s been a long time since I rode you and I thought I ought to do something about that,” instead of “since I wrote you.” But I bow to you people in awe.
When I was still at school, a group of us were having a chat with the Home Economics teacher, and the subject of her sister came up. She told us that, while her sister was trained as a solicitor (lawyer), she preferred to work as a childminder.
Confused as to why anyone would choose a low-paying job over a law career, I asked her:
“How come she does that when she could make heaps of money by soliciting?”
As soon as the words were out, I realised what I’d said and almost died of embarassment. Only when she went into a fit of giggles did I see the funny side.
Could have been worse. He could have said, “I’m sorry but I have a short staff.”
orgasm instead of organsim
i remember in school… we had a substitutre teacher with a lisp.
we were doing a spelling test… the word was PIANIST… it came outta his mouth as PENIS.
no better way to get a bunch of 11 yrs to giggle
I think I’ve told this in a thread before, so don’t read it if you already have…
When I was in high school, my dad headed a fundraising effort for the A Capella Choir. During one of the meetings, he mish-mashed “Ace in the hole” and “Ace up his sleeve” when referring to a contingency plan the principal had. So dear old Dad told the choir parents that the principal had an “Ace up his hole” - Dad cracked up almost immediately, but I’m pretty sure the principal was whooshed.
Classic faux pax that happened to a collegue of mine while she was teaching a maths class of 17/18 year olds:
She was helping individual students with their work, and a particular pupil, who had been waiting for assistance for some time, began hitting his ruler against the desk, hoping to attract the teachers attention. She turned to him and said "There’s no point in banging so hard - you are not going to make me come any faster."
I once when referring to how cheap someone was changed metaphors in midstream and said he’d steal the pennies from a blind man’s eyes.
kirk280980’s post reminded me (in a vague sort of way) of a poorly-worded memo which I’ll never forget, reminding employees that a security guard was available to make sure people made it to their cars okay:
I would have thought it was a deliberate joke if the circumstances weren’t so serious. (A horribly mutilated body had been found in a dumpster a block away from our building.)
Overheard in my college dorm:
“…We’ve already constipated our relationship.”
“Um, I think you mean consumated.”
Talking to my friend after a day of shopping:
“Well, you really blew a wad today.”
The mental image this sentence creates will stay with me for a while…even if he had gotten the word “depository” right, the sentence structure still implies that JFK was launched out the window somehow…
Not an exact substitution, but funny nonetheless:
When we were in college, one of my friends who was quite smart but not in a common sense way asked “What’s a pedophile?”
I was trying not to offend her or the rest of the group by being graphic, so I said as diplomatically as I could: “Um, well it’s someone who, er, likes children.” Trying of course to imply with my tone of voice that I meant “likes” in a nefarious way.
She totally misses my drift and promptly blurts out loudy in front of everyone: “Oh, well I guess I’m a pedophile then!”
Thanks, guys. You all made me laugh so hard that my mother is thinking that there must be something wrong with me.