Christmas dinner at my ex’s house, many years ago. Her brother was a university student, but he was home for Christmas, and telling us about a bar he had been to. Apparently, there were all kinds of shooters being served, and he quite liked one called a Blowjob.
Now, his (and my ex’s) mother was at the table, of course; and while English wasn’t her first language, she usually did pretty well at speaking and understanding it. There were a few things that were lost on her however, and when the discussion turned to how the brother always needed extra money, in spite of his having a part-time job, she tried to explain to him why he was always short of cash:
“You have no money because you spend it all on Blowjobs.”
We all cracked up. She had no idea what she said, but once it was explained to her, she laughed harder than anybody there.
My friend was going to the Dominican Republic and hadn’t been on a plane in a long time. She was worrying about terrorists on the plane, and her parents were there. Her dad said “Ah, you don’t have to worry, they have air marshalls on the plane now…” and her mom, mishearing ‘air marshalls’, said “ARM WRESTLERS?” and started cracking up.
Then there’s my other friend’s mom who just makes up names for stuff when she can’t remember the real name:
McCain Ready Crisp Bacon -> Crispy Bacon
Lipton Sidekicks -> Sidesplits
Pokémon -> Pikapookoo
Frank & Gino’s (restaurant) -> Papa Gino’s
Sidesplits and Pikapookoo are my favourites.
My mom was watching that show that used to be on that was called “It’s Like… You Know”, or something similar. I came in and asked her what she was watching. She said “Like… somethin’ like that. No, really, that’s the name… like, somethin’ like that.”
My Gram was talking about what she got for her birthday one day. She listed everything, and then pointed to her chair and said, “And of course, I got penis.”
Well, that’s what it sounded like. What she really said was that she’d gotten Peanuts, which was a little Beanie Babie elephant that she had on the back of her chair.
This wasn’t anything said out loud, but my uncle took a bunch of pictures of the fireworks show we watched on the Fourth of July. I browsed through them, not paying too much attention to the little subtitles he’d given them, until I came across one shot of a particularly spectacular firework, one that explodes into a massive fountain of shimmering yellow sparks that hang in the air for ages.
My uncle’s subtitle for that one was, “My favorite: Golden Showers.”.
