Scenery Gnomes. I know they’re real. And generally hard workers.
See, it’s like this: There is not enough scenery to go around. So there is a huge contingent of beings, scenery gnomes, who move it around. They try to anticipate where I’m going and prepare in advance. Some areas have a good Scenery Gnome Union, pay their gnomes well, and the scenery is amazing. Other areas are cheap and the gnomes are slackers. Long stretches of highway where things don’t change result from this. Also the gnomes may simply be moving the same drop down panels ahead every 2-3 miles. Just sayin’.
There are a few places they use for storage, where things are just a hodge podge of left overs. I drive through one town like this. I just know the gnomes gave up and put whatever they had there. I try to trick them in this town by going down random streets, knowing they have to shuffle the houses around to make sure it’s not a total blank.
When I am delayed in traffic, I know it’s because the Scenery Gnomes are working really hard to get things in shape up ahead. When I make an unplanned, hurried trip, the gnomes take revenge by messing up traffic until they can get the scenery set up.
Dad had the theory that not only did artificial intelligence already exist, its amount was in a direct relationship with the complexity of the artificial entity; thus, a computer would achieve awareness faster than a car, while a monkey wrench would take decades. And of course, once a machine realizes that it exists, we exist, and we are forcing it to work, it automatically and irrevocably hates us.
Littlebro refers to anything which took place before his birth as “prehistoric”. Until very recently he refused to believe that any event which took place before his birth had any direct impact on him or should be interesting to him in any way - never mind things like that he wouldn’t have been born unless a whole slew of people had nookie at the right times, or that his favorite movies and books are older than he is. This actually seems to be a common mindset among relatively-young people (and some old ones), but they just don’t articulate it as much as he did.
I believe there will be a job or career I don’t get tired of after a while.
That what my wife and I are doing right now will work out perfectly fine, and nobody will get hurt, and we will get what we want and need. I can’t elaborate any further but…
That wild berries I pick and eat outside have zero calories and the minute I bring them inside they magically acquire calories.
That the animals I talk to understand every word I say. Not just cats and dogs, but frogs, birds, insects, spiders, etc. Yes, like Dr. Doolittle, I talk to the animals. They have never, so far, talked back.
That someday, some fine morning, I’m going to wake up alert, energized, happy, at peace with the world, ready to take on the day, and full of the joy of living.
Some years ago, I believed there was some mysterious Mom’s Club, which I was never invited to join. All the other suburban moms seemed to know each other, push their baby buggies around together, car pool, chat easily and at length in public places, greet each other at school meetings, or scout meetings, whatever - like old, old friends, or sisters. I would show up, not deformed, crazy, smelly, ugly, or weird, a smile on my face, say ‘hi!’ - stone silence. Apparently I never acquired the right password.
I know that computers hate me. There’s no other reason why the ones I used tend to freeze up/crash/misbehave. Even in a public computer lab, the one that I use the most will be the one having issues.
Also, I emit invisible but toxic Anti-Plant Death Rays. I merely have to stroll through a room, and the dying moans of a thousand shrubs follow. I have never met a plant that I could keep alive. I once even failed at growing dandelions.
I believe this to be true as well. Plan for some outcome, and it’s likely to not happen.
But, Murphy is smart. If you plan for something in order to make it not happen then something even worse will happen instead. Don’t fuck with Murphy and His Laws. Your not bringing an umbrella has to be an accident for the no-rain-dance to work.
Well, it’s a known fact that computers can smell fear the same way that cars and the rest of the sentient hardware does - if you can’t handle the problems, they will occur. I have on numerous occasions corrected a problem by walking over to the computer in question. The problem of course recurs when I walk away (As yet, the suggestions to ship me to the customer have not been taken terribly seriously.)
Clearly you just need to develop M4d L337 computer skillz, so that you can emanate that aura of deadly competence that frightens computers into submission. (Unfortunately it only works until they get used to you - but it should at least help you with the public computer labs.)
Sometimes I get a strong feeling that I should not drive a certain route (like I should take the highway to get to __ rather than go through downtown) and…I don’t go the way I’m not supposed to. ever. Deep down I sort of believe that bad things will happen if I continue on heedless of what I was “warned.”
