God dammit! Get the fuck out of my place! I pay rent, and you do not. I pay the bills (occasionally on time, even). I do not need a fucking roommate. I choose to live alone. I did not invite you here. And yet you remain.
Oh, so you think I’m a slob? Like your fucking opinion matters. If you noticed, I never asked. Besides, I clean my apartment every fucking weekend, from top to bottom. I leave a relatively clean life. You know what? The only garbage in here is you, you stinking little fuck.
And stop all the fucking mooching. No, you may not eat my food. You did not pay for it, and your constant mooching is not only rude, but disgusting.
And I make this promise to you now: If I see you again, I will do everything in my power to fucking kill you. Dead. Yes, disposing of your twitching little corpse will be unpleasant. But it will be worth it. I will laugh at your lifeless body. I will revel in your demise. I will drink to your unmaking.
Oh, and another thing – if I don’t get you, then perhaps I shall get a pet. What’s that, you don’t like cats? HAHAHA, I know just where I can get one on short notice. And she has claws, my friend. Sharp claws. And you will find that you have scurried across my kitchen floor for the last time.
The mouse has offered an opinion on your housekeeping? You need to hang onto that sucker. You bring her to a bar an I’m pretty sure you could drink all night for free with a talking mouse in your pocket.
Yeah, as if. I don’t want the little scratching fucker in my kitchen. You think I’m going to put it in my pants pocket, right next to the Good Meat?
The mouse doesn’t talk. It offers its opinion on my housekeeping through the fine medium of interpretive dance. Often mistaken for the Escape Run from the Broom of Death. (And by "broom ", I mean “shriek.” And by “death”, I mean “fear of small critters.”) By such subtle and refined dance steps, it relates the message “You got cheese? Me want cheese!”
Wow, that was really clever, and I feel stupid that I didn’t get it right away. That’ll teach me to read closer, I guess. I was just starting to wonder what the “fur-wearing” apellation had to do with this girl…
Anyways, keep this one on file for the time you have a human doing this, make it a two-for-one. Classic.
