This is too mild for The Pit; I hope MPSIMS doesn’t mind.
It was a sunny Saturday this past weekend at my household. It was one of those nice spring days that seem to sneak up on me after I’ve had my morning coffee and have made out the bills to be paid. I only noticed it after I opened the front door and heard some birds singing. “Honey, I think I’d like to take the kids to the Park…” I called out as I stepped out onto the porch. In the sky, a jet flew by lazily and in the next yard over, two men in bright red shirts appeared to be engaged in a loud (strikethrough) lively conversation with my neighbors.
I remember thinking “Damn, NJ PIRG already? I thought they weren’t due back until August.” As my boys scurried around inside for shoes & coats and what would be a good ‘outside’ toy for the park, I remember hearing my wife saying that she was going to do some shopping & if I could get the boys out of the house it would be great. And then they were at my porch asking for me by name. But they weren’t NJPIRG.
“Mr. Blucher? We want to talk to you…”
Sounded ominous.
“Who are you…?”
“I’m Mohammed”, he said in a loud/thick accent that wasn’t quite Israeli and wasn’t quite Egyptian, but was definatley close to both. “We are installing fiber optic and we want your permission to replace the old copper wire to your house.” I could see now that the bright red shirts and the clipboard said ‘Verizon’.
I stopped them. “But if I lose power, I can call out on my copper wire. With fiber optic, if I lose power, I have no phone service.”
“Ah, but it’s all part of the contract…a back-up battery in case you lose power…” he said loudly. Too loudly. It was to become a theme. “Do you have Internet, Mr. Blucher? Maybe cable…?”
“Yes we do.” My wife chimed in. I’d say she sneaked in behind me, but with the bellowing noise that this salesman was making, she could have rolled up in a bulldozer and I might not have noticed.
“Well, you’re only getting 6 (units) of upload speed now. With FIOS, you’ll get 20 (units). You have XP on all your computers, right? It’ll work fine.”
“Well, actually only one. The other one has 98se, but it works OK with COMCAST though.”
“Well I’m sure it’ll still work…” the fake Santa Claus lied. “How many TV sets do you have?”
I was growing less and less happy with this person bellowing the contents of my house to Og and Country from my own front porch, unbidden. It seemed to go on and on, with him promising big savings over what he assumed we paid vs. Verizon’s introductory price. When asked how much their regular price was, he wouldn’t answer, but he discovered he could speak even louder as well as gesture wildly with his hands as he continued his high-pressure sales pitch. I’m not sure how he was able to crank out such volume. Maybe it was all those invisible guys from the Verizon network behind him all yelling in unison. Eventually I realized that this unwelcome guest was screaming at me, on my own front porch and without invitation, and that I was taking it.
“We’re not interested. Good Day.” I said as I headed back through the screen door and inside my home.
“Good Day!” he replied. And then he continued his screaming sales pitch as before.
“We’re not interested.” I repeated. “Good bye!”
“Yes, but with Verizon, you can get…” he continued shouting into my house.
Slamming the front door in his face seemed to muffle his noise a little, but it presented a new problem.
“I thought you said you were taking us to the Park, Daddy….”
Yes, there I stood… hiding behind my own front door and waiting for the two Verizon Thugs to go away. What a fine example I had set for my sons. I hadn’t gotten the Decibel Brothers full names. I hadn’t gotten their Verizon ID numbers. I hadn’t gotten the number to call to verify they were even Verizon employees. I hadn’t called Verizon to complain that their salesmen were Jackasses and were harassing my family. I hadn’t called the cops to have the trespassers’ removed. I did nothing but hope they’d go away.
Eventually, they did leave. After that, I did take my kids to the Park. But the day wasn’t anywhere near as nice or as sweet as it had promised to be earlier. As for Verizon, I wouldn’t use FIOS in my house now if you paid me. But I might give that NJPIRG kid a cold can of soda come August.