“I’m sorry I didn’t beat you more often” is not an apology I would accept.
Victims of school bullying: if you met your bully now and were offered an apology, would you accept?
There’s only one reason I would use for not accepting an apology. If I believe it was insincere. That’s it. I don’t care if I remember you, or don’t remember you, or if remembering the bullying still hurts me or not. The apology heals the person giving it, and why would I want you not to be healed? That would make me as cruel as they once were. If we were both hurting due to this incident, even if I wasn’t able to get past it, why would I want to deny forgiveness and resolution to someone else? Doing so doesn’t help me get past it, it just prolongs their suffering. I try to live my life through very simple rules. My most famous is “Never refuse someone a breath mint if they ask for one” but only slightly less well known is, “Always accept a sincere apology.” Even if you still hurt, accepting an apology lessens the total amount of mental suffering and anguish in the world, at no cost, and that’s pretty much always a good thing.
Enjoy,
Steven
Thank you. 
It’s adapted from something a friend of mine used to say: “I’ve been through a lot of shit, and I’ve found that shit washes off.” Dunno if it’s a quote he got from somewhere else or if he came up with that himself. I’ve always tried to bear it in mind, even understanding that sometimes the scent still lingers, so to speak…
I was only lightly bullied (not enough to really scar me), but any apology would not be for my benefit. Thus at best my response would be “that’s fine, but I don’t care.”
I let go, but that doesn’t mean I forget. Or necessarily, forgive. I never fully forgave my mother - then again, she never asked for an apology. I just expunged the hate and resentment from my soul but that doesn’t mean I’d ever trust them again the same way.
What exactly does forgiveness mean, anyway? If it just means forgetting the actions and moving on, I’ve already done that. If it means telling them “it’s cool man” - it would depend on whom.
I’d define forgiveness in either of two ways:
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Releasing the person from the spectre of punishment, or from a debt, when the pardoner is legitimately entitled to see the debt repaid or or the punishment; or
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Expunging the guilt and resentment from your own heart.
It doesn’t mean giving unconditioal trust again – hell, it doesn’t mean giving any trust again. I’ve forgiven my father for twice accusing me of stealing from him with no basis whatsoever, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t harm our relationship (already rocky) in an essential way.
This. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of my bullies in over 1/3 of a century. If one of them were to track me down and apologize, I’d be extremely suspicious of their motives. At best, their purpose in seeking me out would be to ease their own feelings of guilt, rather than any intent to do me any good.
Let 'em get right with God, if they want to apologize to someone. Otherwise, I’m perfectly happy if everyone concerned lets sleeping dogs lie.
Now if the private school I went to that seemed to be more troubled by my behavior than that of the bullies who were beating me up every day - if that school ever wanted me to donate money, I’d politely explain the important lessons I learned from growing up in that environment, such as someone’s wearing a coat and tie doesn’t mean they’re not a thug, and that power structures are generally more concerned with order than justice. Important lessons and true, but still not lessons one feels gratitude for being taught the hard way.
Then according to 2, I already have forgiven them. I can only think of two young men who can still make my hackles rise. One I just remember as being a total white trash hick asshole. He had flaming red hair and a serious mullet. And the only thing I really remember is he used to wipe his boot on the seat of my pants and then laugh about it. I know he picked on me all the time but that’s the only thing that sticks out. I wasn’t the only one he did this to, but I was his especial target because I was the little foreign kid with the funny name. Sometimes I think I’d like to punch him in the face, once. Most of the time I wish I could put my current self into my body and treat it with the contempt and disdain it deserved.
The second one was…well he molested many girls and I was one of them. Him, I’d like to kick his ass, too. But then I shrug and think so? Will that accomplish anything?
They’re probably both just as much assholes and I don’t believe they’ve changed at all.
I would say you haven’t forgiven the latter. But I would not say you need to.
Possibly. I still feel a little sick sometimes if I dwell on it, but I try not to dwell on it. It was way worse because it was so anonymous - it had nothing to do with him being attracted to me or any girl. He had just made a decision to do it to as many girls as possible.
I don’t feel angry anymore though. I just want him to feel the same feelings of helplessness that I did.
There’s something too - I’d be more inclined to forgive a grade-school bully. High school? Personalities are somewhat formed by then. But then, I changed a lot since high school, so maybe they did, too.
I was bullied in grade school and high school quite extensively by groups of people, some physical but mostly psychological, and I wouldn’t forgive them regardless of what kind of apology I got. I don’t think the ‘people change’ argument holds any water. They were assholes as children, as far as I know, they’re bigger more experienced assholes now. Sure, they might not be, but I really don’t care. What was done permanently affected me as a person, and has had serious consequences throughout a lot of my life. A six second ‘Sorry dude’ isn’t going to help anything. I would honestly have a hard time believing they were sincere without large amounts of corroborating evidence. I have absolutely no interest in talking to pretty much anyone from those times in my life because of everything that happened. Those people made me truly miserable for a long time. Fuck them all.
I ended up meeting one particular individual who took sadistic glee in messing with me in high school. I was still in high school, working at a K-Mart when he started as an employee there. Turns out he’d gone to college, drank himself into expulsion, and then his parents kicked him out. He tried to be friendly with me, and I ignored him every time. Why the hell would he possibly think I would want to talk to him after the shit he’d done? Did he honestly think I was in any way his friend? Screw him, I hope he’s still there.
Black humor I know, but I can’t resist it. Don’t read the spoiler.[spoiler]
How you doin’?[/spoiler]Sorry,
Steven
Just remember when dealing with the likes of me. I am well aware of the fact that saying ‘Sir.’ to someone does not make them bullet proof.
I don’t let many folks have much room in my head but if you wronged me and then come back and open the door, don’t be all surprised at what comes out.
You might should have left that door closed.
I have not become a better person, moved on, or take the high road and you best remember that.
I try to live so that I do not have to say ‘I’m sorry.’ I hate saying that, seldom mean it and would rather not do it so I just live so that I don’t need to so much.
Works good for me and what else really matters?
I was bullied twice, once in elementary school, and once in high school (when I was living in a five-day-a-week prep-school dorm). The first time, I was insulted and punched by Dennis and Bill, two junior hoodlums whom I barely knew, on the playground. I went straight to the principal’s office and reported them. We had a pretty fearsome principal, who gave them enough of a hair-raising talk that they never bothered me again.
The second time, the bullying was by Mark, an asshole upperclassman, off and on over the span of several years. There were times when, if you’d put a loaded gun into my hand, I’d have shot him on the spot without hesitation. I still loathe the guy, but I haven’t seen him in 20-some years.
If any of those three guys apologized to me now, I would accept their apologies. Enough time has passed that I’m just not that mad at them anymore.