I’ll start at the very beginning - a very good place to start.
I went to the candy store today after work to buy some treats for my holiday candy dishes and whatnot. I buy the usual junk… Sour Patch Kids, a few chocolate-covered pretzels, holiday M&Ms. Suddenly, I spot them out of the corner of my eye. Circus peanuts!!! So I figure, what the hey and I buy some.
The dude at the counter gives me a funny look when he’s ringing me up. So we decide to have a little conversation.
Me: So, do you know anyone who actually likes Circus Peanuts?
Clerk: You don’t like them?
Me: Never tried 'em.
Clerk: So why are you buying them? These things have been in the store for like, forever.
Me: It’s more of a curiosity than anything else. I wanna see what happens when you stick 'em in the microwave.
Random Guy Hanging Out In The Store: Circus Peanuts? Oh, man…I LOVE those things.
Me: You don’t happen to have Internet access at home, do you?
Random Guy: No. Why?
Me: Just curious.
So anyway, flash forward 15 minutes. I get home and jam one of the suckers in the nuker. Thankfully, I recorded the whole thing on my trusty Sony CyberShot. Have fun.
See, I was thinking it wouldn’t do anything. Like a twinkie, nothing disturbs its restful slumber. But it seems that it blows up like a blow-fish would. I’m miffed.
My God that was cool. It looked like the microwaves was causing the circus peanut to come to life. How wonderful. Plus, if I leave it looping in the background I can spend my workday constantly listening to your microwave humming and beeping. Very very relaxing.
What if the peanut really came to life? You could name it Lionel. You could give him a name tag that says, “Hi, my nam is Lionel. I don’t live at a circus. I live at THespo’s house. Please don’t eat me.”
I wonder if you left him in there long enough if he would grow arms, so he could do tasks around the house for you. If I didn’t enjoy their marvelous taste, I would try to create my own circus peanut man, who could help me build an addition to someone else’s house. But, he would always be telling me not to eat circus peanuts. That would be a drag.
Does anybody have a link for the marshmallow bunny torture experiments? I can’t find it anymore. I was just showing a co-worker the video and he didn’t believe me that there is a whole genre of this stuff.
Yet another fun thing to do with green grapes. Oil the floor of the microwave, and pop those puppies in there. The steam from their innards will jet through the stem hole and propel them merrily about their enviroment. Paint little numbers and place your bets. Don’t get me started with burning toothpicks…
Okay. It’s 5:30 AM here in NYC. You’re probably wondering why I’m posting this early in the morning…
I bought about 20 Circus Peanuts. (The candy store is one of those self-serve places with hundreds of little bins of candy.) I ate one Circus Peanut in it’s natural state, just to see what they were like. Not particularly good, but not bad either. I used two in the microwave experiment. (The first video didn’t come out for some reason.) And, yes Montfort, I did eat both of these in their swollen, lemon-like state. “Molten, banana-flavored marshmallow” is how I’d describe the experience. Anyway, I woke up about 15 minutes ago with a big tummyache. I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to sleep.
Man, for all I know, that orange chemical in Circus Peanuts turns to arsenic in the presence of microwave energy. The things I do for you guys…
Anyway, I’m gonna go to the bathroom now and jam a finger down my throat. While I’m in there, maybe someone should start thinking about other stress tests we can perform on the remaining Circus Peanuts. Whatever you guys come up with, please understand that I am NEVER EATING THESE FRICKIN’ THINGS AGAIN, COOKED OR UNCOOKED.
Just in case you’re wondering… I yacked at 6 AM and popped a Pepsid shortly thereafter. Went back to sleep until 9. Got to work at 10. Still feel icky. Dunno if I should have my usual coffee this morning.
I’m still open to more Circus Peanut tests, but I’m never eating them again. Any ideas?
