Just need to get this out. Mr. Bobkitty is having his own health issues at the moment, and I don’t want to burden him.
I used to be a martial artist. I spent nine years practicing different types, and was pretty good. I used to be really active. I walked my dog 2 miles, twice a day. I was witty, and smart, and a lot of fun to be with. (I also used to weigh 125 pounds, but that’s neither here nor there. Just another regret.)
In April of 1998 I got sick. A really, really bad strep infection that lasted forever. Went to the doc, had it treated, got it cleared up. But things were never the same after that. I was tired, sluggish, my short-term memory sucked and I was in pain. I ignored it for six months. Well, ignore isn’t exactly the word. I avoided it. I tried to keep up my regular activities, but after six months I was so concerned about my driving that I went back to the doctor. Lots of tests later, there was still no diagnosis. I lost my health insurance and just went on as best as I could.
Things got worse. I hid most of it from family and friends. But there were things I couldn’t hide… Mr. Bobkitty decreed that I was no longer allowed to handle anything made out of glass after I wound up breaking most of our dishes (I thought I was holding onto them, really). The pain was the worst part of it… I was up to 4000mg of Motrin a day, and would often supplement it with at least 2000mg of Naproxin. I couldn’t continue the martial arts. I couldn’t walk my dogs anymore. I could barely make it through the work day… I’d come home and just collapse. Went back into therapy… the antidepressants help a bit. After several different doctors and specialists, I’ve been diagnosed with (at least) a degenerative muscular disorder. But, according to the docs, that doesn’t explain everything that’s going on.
I’ve recently gotten a new doctor. He cold-turkeyed me off of all my pain meds, after giving me a pretty severe tongue-lashing for overdosing on the Motrin and Naproxin for over a year and a half. Luckily I haven’t destroyed my kidneys or my liver. It’s been almost a month since I’ve taken any pain meds, and I cry myself to sleep every night (when I can sleep). I’m still hiding a lot of the symptoms… I don’t think Mr. Bobkitty has any idea how bad things really are. I try to be upbeat and happy… sometimes it works. We’re remodeling our home, preparing it for selling, while building a new one. We’re doing a good bit of the work ourselves. I work and go to school full time. I push through, because I have to. But it’s getting to be too much.
I go to see a neurologist tomorrow. My new doc- who I really like, which is a nice change of pace- has narrowed things down to one of the following (in addition to the muscular disorder): some type of seizure disorder, a tumor, some kind of neurological disorder, or MS. I’d thought about MS from the very beginning… I worked in the medical field long enough pre-illness to know the symptoms. I’m 28 years old. If things have gone downhill this quickly in only three years, I don’t even want to think about what happens when I’m 30.
I liked it better when I only had to worry about Mr. Bobkitty. I don’t want to be sick. I want my life back the way it was. I’m a shell of the person I used to be, and I miss her.
Sorry about the whining. Just needed to vent. Cookies for all those who made it this far.
-BK
