I guess I’ll run for Congress. I’m not really running because I care that much about you or my country, but because I’d like to have the power, prestige, and career opportunities that come with the office.
I don’t really have a plan to save Social Security. Well, I do. But it’s really pretty lame, and nobody would listen to me anyway. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy trying to stop a runaway train. Let somebody else do that.
I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I bit Barbara Fritz’s finger in second grade. And in ninth grade gym class, I taunted a gay guy who then proceeded to whip my ass. When I dropped out of college, I was smoking pot and taking hallucinogens. Shortly thereafter, I became a Satanist.
I’m not sure that I’m completely emotionally stable. I do tend to be pretty passionate and fly off the handle. So there might be times that I vote on issues according to how I feel or how it might make someone else feel. But most of the time, I’ll just do whatever the polls say is most popular.
I’ll get as much money for the district as I can, but please understand that unless you have some political clout, you personally won’t see any of it. It’ll go to people who can help me advance and accumulate more power.
Well, that’s about it, I guess. If you’ll just help me get my foot in the door, I promise you won’t hear from me again for another four years.
I’ll vote for you as long as you try to keep your licentious affairs quiet and cover up or redirect the blame to the prior administration or some meek wannabe. Heck, I’ll even come to work for you.
Oh, for sure. I’ll keep a close eye on the polls and blame whoever you people like the least. As far as coming to work for me, I need to know what you look like.
The polls aren’t conclusive enough about that for me to decide.
A pundit with an elephant’s memory said
I have my people looking into that. But in the meantime, just let me just say this. We must fight terrorism, but at the same time we must be tolerant of our fellow Americans who, through no fault of their own, worship differently from us.
An inquisitive voter asked
Like everyone else, I am unique. But let me say this. I think what sets me apart is that I’m not all that bad once you toss out all the negatives. My opponent, on the other hand, favors legalizing gang rape, euthanizing the elderly, and sterilizing poor people. I mean, I can’t say that for sure, but just the fact that it is possible ought to make you stop and think.
Our polls show an overwhelming majority of Democrats in this district, and so I’m going to run on that ticket.
Hi. I want to build a ammonium perchlorate plant near a densely populated area. But those silly environmental laws keep getting in the way!
Now, I can’t vote for you, as I live outside your district. Now that I think about it, my company and the proposed plant site are also outside your district. But I do have big, heaping gob of money to hand out to politicians such as yourself willing to hear my case. In fact, here’s $10,000 just for reading this post. Thank you.
How do you stand on the ammonium perchlorate issue?