Here’s a list of the trees on the ballot and my opinions of each:
Baldcypress - the Bald Eagle is already our national bird, what’s with the persucution of things that aren’t bald? I vote against this as a matter of principle.
Maple* - as has been stated previously, Canada has dibs on this one. It’s bad enough we have to share the huge border with them, I don’t want to have to share the tree too.
Birch - I’m against this one by the sound of its name. The name sounds like someone just downed a Coke and is expelling the excess gas.
Oak* - Too obvious. Plus there’s the matter of conscience involved in owning oak as furniture.
Buckeye - wasn’t he Popeye’s cousin or something?
Palm - Oh yeah, let’s pick this for the national tree and let the masturbation jokes begin. BTW, shouldn’t the national tree be a little more common that where the Palm tree grows? Too localized to represent the entire country.
Cottonwood (Poplar) - apparently, this tree is already popular enough and doesn’t need any more ego-boosting.
Paloverde - the what? I think it’s just down the block from 4th and Main.
Dogwood* - I have one of these at my parents’ back yard. It’s a small tree. Too small to represent America. Fuck this tree.
Pecan (Hickory) - mmmm Pecan pie… Regardless of the tastiness of pecans, I think there’s enough nuts here without symbolizing it with a tree.
Douglasfir - Oh right, like everybody named “Douglas” needs another reason to be cocky. These guys have it good enough as it is.
Pine* - as has been discussed already, we don’t need a tree tht moonlights as a verb.
Elm - would’ve gotten my vote if it hadn’t stooped to lending its name to those teen horror movies.
Redbud - despite its name, its flowers are actually pink. Not the Red White or Blue that one would hope to symbolize America. No, this tree flowers pink, which just goes to show it’s subverisive Communist leanings. We should not only not vote for this tree, we should also round them up and have them all shot.
Hemlock - ok, people, this is the name of a poison!
Redwood* - like the Palm, this tree is too localized to represent the entire nation. Plus it’s found in California. Californian’s are already full of themsleves, they don’t need this too.
Holly - I used to date a Holly. She gave good head. I’m leaning towards actually voting for this tree for sentimental reasons. Unfortunately, its strong ties to the Christian religion (most notably decking halls at Christmastime) may hurt this tree’s chances with the liberals and non-Christians.
Spruce - another tree that moonlights as a verb. Sorry, if we’re ruling out the Pine, we have to rule this out just to be fair.
Kukui - This is a joke, they weren’t serious when this one got nominated. It’s the Jesse Jackson of the arboreal election.
Tuliptree - I did my research on this tree and it seems its flowers are only really pretty to look at when seen from above. Since this tree can grow to 100 ft, I think that leaves most of us high and dry so to speak. We need a tree that more fair to those of us who won’t be viewing it from a penthouse.
Magnolia - I can’t think of anything to say about this tree. If the Kukui is this election’s Jesse Jackson, then the Magnolia is Al Gore. Deserving, but too dull to be able to pull it out in the end.
*At the time of this posting, these trees were leading the voting.