In this exciting episode of “Voyage of Discovery,” our hero Alereon discovers in a nearly Darwinian fashion that homemade fireworks are a very, very bad idea. Contains graphic depictions of dumbassery, reader discretion is advised.
So, I bought one of those large firework assortments that tend to be a very good deal. It contained, amongst the “good stuff,” two boxes of “pop-its,” which are tiny paper baggies of unidentified explosive which detonate upon impact with a surface. These are the kind of fireworks you give to kids, because they are completely impossible to injure yourself with, even if you blow them up between your fingers or under your foot. I, knowing that these fireworks are completely boring, decided to open up all of the little paper packets and combine the explosives, creating an uberfirework with which I would achieve world domination, or at least have a good time. I hopped onto #straightdope on Undernet IRC to see if anyone had done something like this before. Upon disclosing my plans, I was met with a chorus of “Um, Alereon, that’s a pretty bad idea,” to which I readily agreed, but proceeded to do it anyway.
I put on the movie “25th Hour” on DVD on the TV, hopped on the couch, and with two plastic containers on my lap began to open the little pop-its to extract their contents and place them in a pile in one container. As I did this, I was continually thinking to myself: “Self, this is a very bad idea. This explosive is IMPACT SENSITIVE. You probably shouldn’t be pouring the now open packets into this container.” Furthermore: “Self, if this explodes, you are going to have to tell the SDMB about this when you get out of the hospital. You’re going to need to create a thread and expose your stupidity to the world.” I must confess, this wasn’t like five seconds of doubt, this was a full FIFTEEN MINUTES of awareness that I was doing something very, very stupid.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light, a loud BANG, and I was showered with the burnt remnants of the explosives that just a moment ago had been in my lap. When I opened my eyes, I was looking directly at the TV through a billowing cloud of smoke, and had a sharp ringing in my ears. As I sat looking quite dazed, I thought “Hmm, the sound in the movie went off.” I toggled the mute a few times, then realized that I just couldn’t hear anything. I got up, stumbled out of the room into the clear air, and looked upon life with the eyes of a man who had almost been a victim of his own stupidity. I wandered back into #straightdope, apprised the chatters of what happened, and was greeted with a simple yet eloquent response: “Dumbass.”
The damage: None. My hearing came back fully after about 15 seconds, and I suffered no injuries at all except for a dull ache in my groin where the container holding the explosives was propelled down into my balls. I not only survived, but remained fertile! Alereon: 1. Darwin: 0
Look upon me, denizens of the SDMB, for today I am an example of What Not To Do.
