WARNING: This movie has such bad horror victims just ready to be ground up into kibble and violating HUGE gaps in judgement (going into spooky place, investigating sound when they know maniac is around) that you want to physically climb into the movie and beat the hell outta them for being so mind numbingly stupid
WARNING: A Lillard/Freddie Prinze calvacade 'o fun…take appropriate actions (I recommend tearing ones eyes out)
WARNING: Hilarious scenes you may laugh yer ass off but will make you look like a fool in front of date. (This one due to the Dumb and Dumber Turbo Lax scene…I took a date and nearly cried laughing too hard. My date thought I was shallow. What can I say, it was Jeff’s legs shaking from the immense bowel movement)
WARNING: Jim Carrey taking himself seriously…See Jerry Lewis
WARNING: Bad push in advertising by IDIOTS at Warner Brothers (see Iron Giant)
WARNING: Overuse of extended slow-mo, gurney shots showing main character in middle of chaos.
WARNING: Buttholes striking manly poses while firing guns stupidly.
WARNING: Movie only made it onto screen because someone blew the right dicks at the studio (See Dungeons and Dragons…what a utter turd)
WARNING: GENRE RUINING DIRECTOR SCREWING UP YOUR MOVIE WITH HIS ASSHOLE AND ELBOWS IDEA OF HIS ‘VISION’. (See Aliens 3…Resident Evil…Star Wars…etc etc etc)
Warning: Marketing budget = Production budget x 2.
Warning: Little or nothing in common with the story / book / computer game of the same name.
Warning: Money not refunded even though it sucks.
Warning: This movie has had its own 12 page feature in a very glossy magazine called something like “Computer-Intensive Special FX CGI Animation Fest Monthly”.
Movies with Keanu Reeves are usually billed as such, so no extra warning is needed. I suppose that’s the one good thing about him being a “star”. If he appeared only in supporting roles, I wouldn’t have been able to avoid his movies so easily for years.
I think I could use a “WARNING: soundtrack contains songs from one of David Bowie’s annoying incarnations”. The man has many fine songs suitable for use in film scores, but I do not need to be subjected to anything from his disco phase.
Perversely, if someone made a Disco Bowie musical starring Keanu Reeves, I might just have to see it.
Warning: This movie contains scenes of pointless and nauseating male bonding.
Warning: The critics were dead wrong about this movie. It is NOT the best movie you’ll see all year. It is NOT Oscar-worthy. It is NOT the best work of actor “X”'s career. In fact, get up and run out now. You can still get your money back while the opening credits are rolling.
Warning: This movie features a long, drawn-out torture scene involving dull knives and appendages and an overly sarcastic torturer.
Warning: This movie contains a heavy-handed message of morality.
Warning: This movie contains a soft-focus slow-motion sex scene where the participants engage in “Movie Sex” that is not possible to recreate in real life.
Warning: The Main characters of this movie will be in your child’s next Happy Meal, on their shirts, shoes, posters, backpacks and under your tree at Christmas time. You will hear the soundtrack repeated endlessly in your head for the next 6 months.
Warning: This movie contains cringe-inducing murder by an axe off-camera with such realistic sound effects you will want to bolt to the bathroom. (i.e. “Frailty”)
Warning: This movie is NOTHING like the book, which happens to be one of your favorites and will make you quite angry upon viewing. (“Simon Birch”)
CAUTION: This movie requires thought. (Should be tacked onto every Terry Gilliam movie)
I like movies like that, Ms. D_Odds doesn’t. Recently (re)watching 12 Monkeys, we had the same conversation at the end we had several years back when she first saw the film.
Ms: So what happened?
Me: What do you think happened?
Ms: What did she mean by insurance? Did she save everyone?
Me: Perhaps.
and so on. She wants all loose ends neatly wrapped up.
Warning: The hero tells the child / woman to stay in the house / somewhere safe. The child / woman immediately does the opposite and gets captured. The hero spends the rest of the movie trying to rescue captured personnel.
WARNING: Every interesting idea or image in this film is a direct rip-off of another, better film.
WARNING: Gumby ending*
Ending in which a large number of complications and loose ends are improbably wrapped up in the last few minutes of the movie, leading to an undeserved happy ending for the protagonists and their loved ones (named for early Gumby shorts, which had a tendency to do this kind of thing).
WARNING: Contains scene of heroes walking in slow motion in front of a waving American flag. (Armageddon)
WARNING: Contains a head-in-a-vice scene. (Casino)
WARNING: Picture is 60 minutes too long. (Casino again)
WARNING: Picture is so fluffy you could wrap it around a stick and sell it at the fair. (The Majestic)
WARNING: Based on a video game.
WARNING: Contains unbelievably advanced computer equipment, on which every database comes with 3D renderings of the building, and every criminal record has color photos and videos.
WARNING: Script written by committee, not by a writer.
CAP Alert, in between its fundie rantings about how pretty much all movies ever are hateful to God, catalog things like that to the point of being ludicrous. There’s the obvious things like “person shot to death” or “x instances of swearing” down to stuff like “facial piercings” and “disobedient children” and “talking animals”.
I still can’t understand why they condemn the magic in Harry Potter, yet Mary Poppins is the only movie they give a perfect score to.
WARNING: This film contains scenes of extreme embarrasment.
I can deal with shit blowing up. I can deal with people being shot. I can deal with modest amounts of gore. But dammit, I hate it when people get embarrassed or humiliated on screen. I can’t even watch it and I have REALLY bad emotional reactions.
Me too. I just can´t stand it when the main character does something really embarassing or stupid. When it´s on TV I just want to change channel for a few minutes to make it all go away. My wife says that it is the nerd in me that sympathizes with the (quite often nerdy) character.
