Warning labels that should be on stuff in movies

WARNING: Trying to kill the Cimmerian will only piss him off, after which he’ll hunt you down.

WARNING: It’s too late, once the hero gives you that, " Guess What ", smile.

WARNING: If you have to ask the hero, “What’s so funny?”, you are doomed.

WARNING (On car): Virgins making love inside vehicle will be subjected to horrible death by slimy swamp monster or radioactive mutant zombie or ax weilding psycho.

WARNING (On basement door): Curious teenagers investigating funny noise will be subjected to horrible death by slimy swamp monster or radioactive mutant zombie or ax weilding psycho.

Surgeon General’s Warning: this movie’s intriguing premise and potentially interesting ethical questions will peter out and be replaced with an ending so simplistic and preachy it may result in nausea, headaches, and attempted suicide.

Warning label on Women’s Shoes:

May cause you to sudden fall when being chased by physcotic.
Warning on panties on Hot Girl Du Jour.

Will not come off unless X rating is attached to film.

Warning on Sex Scenes
Simultaneous Organs occur rarely in controlled circumstances. Do not anticipate regular occurences.

Warning regarding Black Women
They have a tendancy to set cars on fire if you done them wrong.

Caution on Parking Spaces.

This parking space was made available on a busy city street in a major metropolitian city by a permit. You will never in your life ever get a in-front of the door spot. Ever.

If you are within days of your retirement, you will die.


If you are the only African American character in the horror movie, you are dying first

CoughThe ThingCough

**Warning! **Castle Anthrax may contain Virgins! Proceed at extreme peril to your vitue!

Product Disclaimer This Supa-Villain HideOut™ not guaranteed secure in presence of James Bond, Batman, Superman, or any other solo Goody Two-Shoes Hero.

If I understand First Contact correctly it’s even worse than that. They use force fields for windows! Power failure = explosive decompression of entire space ship!

On communication devices:

WARNING: This product will not function in the presence of other such devices. You can only bring the one and that’s it.


XXX Industries, Inc. is in no way, shape, or form liable gunshot wound to the head being ineffective.

(On a typical busy intersection)
Left agressive power-turns only.
(Accompanied by a little graphic of a Chevy Impala up on two wheels)

(On machetes, chainsaws, harpoons, wire hangers, big ass kitchen knives:)


On women’s shoes:

WARNING: Even if you are an Olympic hurdler, you WILL trip over the first pebble you encounter. In addition, you will NOT be able to outrun a zombie/outer-space creature/wounded axe-murderer moving at .001 MPH even if you are a world-class marathoner.

On firearms:

WARNING: You will fire all 11,465 rounds from your 8 round magazine with absolutely noresponse or effect, but when you throw your empty weapon your target will duck.

If I can make myself sit through the continuity conflicting(in ways both major and minor) First Contact again, I’ll have to check. However, numerous episodes state that the windows are transparent aluminum.

HOWEVER-The Taylons of Earth Final Conflict(which should itself carry a warning-Show features great writing and acting until it jumps the shark more violently than anybody ever has before.) did have ships whose exteriors were often partially made up of virtual glass-essentially forcefields. Power failures and malfunctions could expose sections to space.

Back To The OP

Warning-Aliens may be overtly hostile and dangerous. They may act friendly while secretly planning to eat you. They may be genuinely friendly but profoundly alien. Aliens may truly think that they’re making the earth a better place by removing our genitals and blasting Barry Manillow though mile long speakers.

Warning-Fancy lasers, ray guns, and military prototype energy weapons can suddenly run out of power.

Warning-If your experiments in Mad Science do not go amok and turn against you/infect you/vaporize the lab and you with it/or lead to your demise directly, it’s certain that a group of non-scientists will misunderstand your work and form a lynch mob.

Warning-Even if you avoid causing paradoxes, altering history, or becoming your own father, time travel situations may lead to massive confusion and headaches.

Warning-If you should realize that the bizzare stranger is actually Doctor Who, run away. If you leave him in a death trap, he’ll escape. If you leave him to be finished off by your minions, he’ll escape. If you attempt to kill him yourself, you stand a very slim chance of success. However, he will regenerate and be as large a threat as before.

Warning-Leaving cryptic clues for your superhero nemesis will not result in your winning a battle of wits and proof that you are an arch villian. It will just make it easier to catch you.(The ClueMaster realized this. He kept his name and gear, but no longer give cops or Batman clues.)

How about:

WARNING - Ammunition clip contains a finite number of bullets. Gun will no longer operate after all bullets have been fired.

CAUTION: Material may not be physically posible outside of writers imagination.
I have to enforce some of the rules here (well, ‘sugest’ since this is supposed to be fun, not serious). While ridiculous, no warning is required on the windows in Star Trek since they never seem to have a problem with them. The holodecks and transporters, however, require extensive warnings and possibly a waiver as well since they break and end up becoming a plot device for half the episodes (at least the ones I’ve seen).

Now on with the warning signs.
(At the entrance to places like ‘Gilligans Island’, ‘Sir Arther Conan Doyals Lost World’ and other places where people get trapped in syndicated hell)

:smiley: WELCOME TO [WHEREEVER]! :smiley:
This entrance will become unusible for egress to the first party of 5 or more people who enter here. Subsequent parties may come and go freely.
:smiley: ENJOY YOUR STAY!:smiley:
(an email)
FROM: ITsupport@evilorg.com
TO: eviloverlord@evilorg.com
CC: headquarters_ALL@evilorg.com
SUBJECT: Passwords

Please do not use personal names, birthdays, favorite hobbies, operation names, or names of special people or places from your past as passwords.

WARNING TO SOLDIERS: Showing fellow soldiers pictures of your girlfriend will result in death soon afterwards.

[on a pirate]