Warning labels that should be on stuff in movies

It occurs to me that a lot of the trouble people get into in movies could be avoided if they just put warning labels on things like we do in real life.
For example:

(on a chemical that creates zombies)
WARNING:
Substance may cause nausia, vomiting and reanimation of the dead. If ingested induce gunshot to the head.
(on a time machine)
CAUTION:
Use of this device may cause temporal paradox or alter the established timeline. Use caution while operating.
(on a door leading to a hallway full of chomping crushing things)
DANGER:
Severe injury or death may result from entering pathway while flame and crushing devices are in operation. See owners manual for timing.

On every woman’s bra: Showing these puppies the light of day may result in sudden violent death.

(on a building)
WARNING: Entering these premises may cause you to be taken hostage by terrorists, and possibly killed as a warning to others.

(any car)
CAUTION: If punctured by projectiles from any weapon larger than a .22 pistol, instant immolation/explosion may result.

WARNING: Any impact at a speed greater than 10mph will result in massive explosion.

(on an Imperial Stormtrooper’s blaster)
NOTE: Studies have shown that firing this weapon at any character whose name appears on the movie poster will result in greatly reduced accuracy.

FURTHER: If this weapon falls into enemy hands, especially those noted above, its accuracy will increase exponentially.

Blastech apologizes for any inconvenience.
(on all military equipment used in giant critter films)
WARNING: This armament not approved for use against kaiju, irradiated oversized ants/spiders/grasshoppers/rabbits, dragons, or overgrown building climbing monkies, and any such use invalidates the conditions of your warranty.

“It’s a trick. Get an axe.”

This line is one of the reasons I love Army Of Darkness. Instead of stupidly assuming a monster is dead, turning his back on it, and letting his guard down, Ash assumes that the monster is faking and won’t relax until it has been chopped into small pieces.

“Nuke the place from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

Again, somebody who assesses the situation and proposes the logical solution.

But so many movies depend on inadequate safety precautions-

The germ warfare lab-

isn’t properly sealed.

Nor does contamination of the lab result in a total lockdown which can only be overridden from outside.

Nor does the lab have a system for sterilization of the entire premises in case of contamination.

The genesplicing monster making lab-

doesn’t have sufficient back up generators.

doesn’t have containment devices that work without electricity.

doesn’t have cages with bars close enough to prevent the experiments from sticking their arms/tentacles/whatever/ through/

doesn’t space cages far apart enough that a person can walk between them safely out of reach.

doesn’t have enough failsafe devices for sealing the entire lab and destroying everything inside in case of monster escape.
Think of Jurassic Park. If they had wisely decided to use reinforced concrete barricades instead of electric fences, no dinos would have escaped. If they had decided not to clone a poison spitting dino, or surgically removed their poison glands, no dinos would have escaped. etc.

Seen on a bottle of Worcestershire Sauce~

WARNING: Not to be used as embalming fluid! Emergency hotline 1-800-555-5633

.

You beat me to it Rhythmdvl

Warning: Cape DOES enable wearer to fly

One of the things about Star Trek (and specifically Voyager) I find ridiculous. Sure, the whole forcefield-in-the-brig thing looks cool and futuristic and all, but one small power outage and the criminals are all over the deck. What’s wrong with bars, people?

That said…
On long, black capes: Warning: wearing this item will not necessarily make you look “cool”.

On firearms: Holding item sideways will not necessarily increase accuracy.

CAUTION: Do not stand under or on cargo container while loading or during a gunfight. Severe flattening may result.
(sample evil corporation waiver agreement)
I hereby agree that Wayland - Yutani, its owners, officers, agents, supervisors, instructors, employees, successors and assigns may not be held liable in any way for any occurrence in connection with the use of the facilities or equipment of Wayland - Yutani or the execution of any activity related to the business of Wayland - Yutani which may result in injury, death, alien infestation or other damage to myself or my dependants.

I further save and hold harmless the said corporation and persons from any claims or vigilante rampages, by me, my dependant, my family, estate, clones, brain-implanted cyberneticly enhanced robots, heirs or assigns.

(from the online help for an AI computer that controls an entire facility or ship)
CODE E-099 HOMOCIDAL RAMPAGE
Should your Gigantotron 5000 exhibit the following symptoms:

  1. Failure to folow simple instructions
  2. Random killings and mutilations
  3. Mouse cursor does not scroll.

Perform the following actions:

  1. Check all cable connections
  2. Reboot the machine (WARNING: Rebooting may cause the release of any prisoners, aliens, or mutated or cloned animals maintained by this system)
  3. If problem continues, contact your service provider. Please have you registration and product number ready.

I can think of many movies that require a standard warning something like this:

WARNING: Any entertainment you experience while watching this movie may be accidental and completely unintentional.

Star Trek
WARNING: Wearing a generic uniform with a red top and no officer markings while participating in away missions my be hazardous to your health.

Perhaps a Trekkie can correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that if you have a power outage total enough to turn off the force fields entirely, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands than a few criminals escaping…

Wasn’t there something about them being unable to figure out exactly where the poison was produced from? Hmm wonders around that now and considers popping the movie in for a looksie

Sticker on every car

WARNING

This car will fail to start in the event you need to get away from any homicidal maniac/kidnapper/zombie/general bad guy

Welcome to U.S.S Enterprise
4 Days without a holodeck, transporter or deflector shield related accident.:slight_smile:

Welcome to the U.S.S. Enterprise
Accident free since stardate 2375.6 :slight_smile:

(on self destruct buttons/ship disengagement buttons/power cell activation buttons)
WARMING: Attempting to operate this equipment in anything other than optimal conditions will require a crew member to self sacrifice themselves pulling a lever on the other side of the ship in a room that is rapidly filling with lethal doses of radiation/poisonous gas/shark infested water. Use only as directed.

Lightsabers: CAUTION-use of this item may result in loss of limbs.

WARNING: Stepping on this twig will instantly snap the ankle of any and all females who are fleeing hideous monsters.

NOTICE: The danger posed by this monster is inversely proportional to how many others of it’s design/series/model/species are alive or online.

(Translation: The more monsters there are, the less dangerous each individual monster is. Check it out, it’s true.)

Such as drifting powerless in space with no life support, food production, shields, weapons, inertial dampers (assuming the power kicks in and the engines start), communications…

Basically, the criminals getting out (assuming they’re violent) would likely be a mercy.

Of course, if it weren’t for those force fields eating energy, there might be fewer of those complete power failures.

OTOH, with some of the beings that have to be put in them, just normal bars wouldn’t be very useful…

WARNING: Pushing cop over the edge may result in villian’s demise

WARNING: Pay attention to needlessly mundane scenes, they’ll turnup as vital plot points. A quiz may be given on this.

CAUTION: Warrenty on structural integrety of Evil Lair invalid in the event of Evil Villian’s demise.