Examples of instructions designed for Morons!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Have you ever looked at a warning or instruction on a product and wondered: “What kind of total idiot would even need to be told not to do that?”

My only requirement in this thread is that they have to be real-life examples.

I will start us off. I have an enema bag for colonic irrigation (flushing your ass out with water) which says: “Do not use boiling water.” I am not joking. Somwhere, somehow, someone out there needs to be told that it is not a good idea to inject boiling water up his ass!:dubious:

So now it’s your turn. Go!

2

On a peanut container: “Warning: May contain peanuts.”

3

I totally read that as “instructions designed for Mormons” and I thought this was going to be a lot more interesting. :slight_smile:

4

On a tube of anti-itch cream

“Do not insert this product into the rectum with fingers** or a mechanical device**”

I gues if they just gave the warning about fingers, someone would be" Ok, I’m not allowed to stick this up my butt with my finger, let me go out the shop and invent something?"

5

MAY contain peanuts? Good grief!

At least the bag of peanuts I got on the plane the other day said, “Warning: Contains peanuts.”

6

Think maybe I need my eyes checked. I misread the title as “Examples of instructions designed for Mormons”.

Edit to quote Zsofia. Yay…I’m not the only one.

7

“May cause drowsiness” I fuckin’ well hope so!:slight_smile:

8

Michigan Lawsiut Abuse Watch runs an annual contest where users are supposed to find dumb warning labels. Here are some of the classic finds. Personally I’m partial to the printer cartridge that says: “Do not eat toner.”

9

I don’t have much to contribute, but I thought your post title said ‘Examples of instructions designed for Mormons’. I wondered why Mormons couldn’t use the same instructions as everyone else.

I always find it amusing when I pick up a packet of peanuts or similar and the packet says:

‘Mixed nuts. Warning: contains nuts’

Or even better:

‘This are packaged in a factory which handles nuts and cannot be guaranteed nut free’

They had better not be nut free, or I am not going to be pleased.

Edit: Stupid slow connection! Everything I wanted to say was said already! back to my corner I go

10

I actually met someone who once tried to iron a shirt while he was wearing it, contrary to warnings in instructions of many irons.

11

I have a brass bell that’s suited to afixing to a boat. Inside the bell is a sticker that says “Do not use to serve food.” Well then what the hell is it good for?

I love the instructions on moist towelettes.

  1. Open package
  2. Unfold
  3. Use
12

On a can of spray-cheese: “For best results, remove cap first.”

That’s only if you want the best results, though.

I seem to recall a fruit roll-up type product that instructed you to remove the plastic backing before eating.

13

tdn beat me to it.

14

You have one of those bells too?

15

A wart removal product instruction guide that warns, “Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.”

A small, 1” x 4” LCD panel warns, “Do not eat the LCD panel.”

A bag of livestock castration rings warns, “For animal use only.”

For a pair of hair straighteners, “Never use while sleeping.”

On a Swedish chain saw, “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.

16

You were supposed to buy the official Pavlov™ brand bell if you were going to use it when you serve food.

17

Add me to the list of people who initially read “Mormons.” I think the irregular capitalization is what threw us off.

I’ve seen designers on Project Runway use steamers on clothes that were already on their model at least once.

And Captain_Awesome, I think I’ve heard that the “hands or genitals” one was made up, sad to say.

18

I worked in a grocery store as a kid and I remember stocking new brooms.

There were instructions with pictograms on the cardboard that protected the bristles and they read something like: Hold thusly, extend bristle head out and towards floor, draw head towards body, lift and repeat.

I remember thinking that if the consumer had the wherewithal to pilot a motor vehicle to the store then they probably didn’t require instuctions on how to run a broom.

19

Not sure it meets the OP criteria, but I once got a RX for Vicodin and the warning label cautioned “May cause feelings of euphoria”.

20

My dad had an electric lawn mower that told us not to try to trim trees with it.

Regards,
Shodan